Messiah of Evil (1973)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: I couldn’t tell you, I watched this movie while I was cooking dinner.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The theme song to this movie sounds like a 4^th place submission to a Bond movie’s opening credits.
• Produced, written, and directed by the husband and wife team that gave us “Howard The Duck.” Strap in kids.
• The doctors of this asylum are waiting for the narrator to scratch her breasts, lift her dress and urinate on the floor. This party’s picking up.
• What do you think would happen if the doctors in an asylum would consider the lunatic’s ramblings valid just once?
• This scene looks exactly like the opening to the pilot of Dark Shadows.
• Arletty pulls into a gas station where the attendant is emptying a pistol into the darkness at something screaming very inhuman-like. He then holsters his gun and calmly asks her, “Fillerup?” and she doesn’t get back in her car and peel out.
• Now a creepy quasi-albino dude shows up asking for gas and Arletty still won’t leave.
• If we’re gonna light the beach to film the crashing of the waves, we’re gonna light the beach and film the crashing of the waves.
• No wonder this town is referred to as an artist’s colony, the house is full of art.
• Jesus, how much VO is in this movie?
• Arletty’s father seems to be harder to find than a transgender black republican that is left-handed and has an exquisite singing voice.
• Hot damn! Anitra Ford is in this!
• “Sit on it” was used before Happy Days was invented?
• This won’t appear in her Wikipedia bio, but Anitra Ford was the first reason a lot of guys jerked off to the Price Is Right.
• This guy is a Portuguese-American aristocrat? Well, you don’t see that everyday.
• The prelude to Act 3 of Lohengrin always makes me think of this classic Woody Woodpecker scene:
  
• Aww shit I think this supermarket is The Grocery Store of the Living Dead.
• Yes it is, everyone in it just ate Anitra Ford. Lucky bastards.
• I really have nothing for this movie. I need to go get another glass of funny.
• …
• …
• OK, now I get it – all of those black and white paintings of people all over Arletty’s father’s house are actually the people from the town right? And they’re Vampires. No wait, zombies. Aw fuck it, who cares.
• Anitra’s partner in crime Toni is sitting on a bed very scantily clad, sorting matchbooks and singing Amazing Grace.
  

  Guests of Hard Ticket To Home Video dine at the all you can eat butcher counter in a Grand Union in 1973.

• According to Arletty’s father’s diary, his body temperature was 85° and he was fighting his “condition.” Yeah. He was cold, easily remedied with a sweatshirt.
• Arletty has puncture marks on her throat, maybe now she will sit up and take notice.
• At this point I’m praying for the Blood Moon to rise and take me.
• I’ve never seen a movie theater done up in this much pink. Then again I am watching a shit copy of this movie on YouTube.
  

  She is definitely the daughter of Luke Skywalker and that kid from Laserblast.

• The same people who ate Anitra Ford in the grocery store are filling up the movie theater that Toni is in. Something tells me she’s fucked.
• Toni runs up to the front of the movie screen only to be eaten by the rest of the patrons. Now that is what I call audience partici…
• … pation.
• I see a blood moon risin’. I see a bad movie ending soon.
• Whatever the hell these people are I bet Sarah Michelle Gellar could have wiped them all out in 20 minutes.
• Being turned into a vampire leads to bleeding from the eyes? Good thing, I thought it was just being subjected to a terrible movie.
• Not only do you bleed from the eyes, but you vomit live beetles, maggots and a gecko. Jiminy Cricket that looks tough.
  

  Val Kilmer has really let himself go.

• All right, are these people vampires or zombies for fuck’s sake. I can’t seem to figure out which. They act like vampires, yet they eat-bang people like they’re from a Romero movie.
• Arletty’s father returns to give the back-story: the much-toted “Messiah of Evil” we’ve all been waiting for was just a member of the Donner party? Fuck this.
• Arletty and the aristocrat try to swim to a boat to escape the town Vampzombies, but he drowns due to the wound in his arm. Good.
• Arletty is pulled out of the ocean by the Vampzombies, who then promptly commit her to the asylum from the beginning of the movie; where she has to spend the rest of her days telling this stupid tale over and over again until they come back for her. Her story and this movie thankfully end here.
• I think Dead And Buried kinda ripped this movie off a little.
  

  The actual retail price without going over is…

Scare Level: Having a blind art dealer run the gallery in a town that is supposed to be an artists’ colony is pretty scary. Actually no, it’s just fucking stupid.

Gore Level: A fair amount of that early 70’s bright red blood that Hammer always used in their movies.

Nudity Level: Some very low necklines mixed with short nighties but alas, no.

Best Line: “Mama delivered me herself, she took me from between her legs – bloody little mess. She was about to feed me to the chickens, my Daddy said, ‘Maybe we could use a boy, Dottie.’ That’s how I came into the world.” You can tell that Roe v. Wade was decided 4 months prior to the release of this movie.

Best Scene: The ones with the most exquisite Anitra Ford did their best to save the movie.

Worst Scene: Another 90 minute tie for first place.

Level of Hell: This movie was also released under the title, “Dead People.” Just in case “Messiah of Evil” wasn’t specific enough. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t fun, it barely even was.

Overall: My last entry came out a little slim so to make up for it I went for a little extra this time out, it was also another (yet the last) review that strayed from the recipe for this month. Whaddya gonna do? The titles looked good, how was I supposed to know. I’ve disliked or hated plenty of movies I’ve written about here, but this one is almost Kryptonite.

Score: 1.5 Self-Hating Vampzombies (out of 10)