Mardi Gras Massacre (1978)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A john named John killing hookers in the most repetitive way.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Legend has it that this movie is a “semi-remake” of Blood Feast. So, it’s going to semi-semi suck.
• The title card is silent and jittery for 30 seconds – I wanted to punch the slide carousel that I haven’t seen since 5^th grade to advance it.
• John is saying he wants something “special” so many times, I thought I was watching an old Lowenbrau commercial from 1977.
• Shirley does not look like the most evil hooker in the bar.
• She is however, the worst actress in the bar.
• Shirley looks very good naked, so I will excuse her acting skills.
• John is wearing a costume that is very reminiscent of Belloq’s from Raiders, so I can only guess that he’s about to open Shirley’s Ark. Bah-zing!
• Who doesn’t love a ritual sacrifice done to funk music I ask you.
• Call me a stickler for detail, but the dummy that John eviscerated could have at least matched the color of the actresses’ nipples. Yup, I’m critiquing nipple color.
• This music sounds like an ELO/Meco mash-up.
• I’m glad that we’re back in the states for this massacre, I was really tired of Greece.
• Sam the bartender’s voice sounds like an American James Mason gargling with hot gravel.
• Aside from this hooker, who still calls a cop “flatfoot” in 1978?
  

  Having forgotten to add a mouth hole to his mask, John shows with his fingers how many restraining orders Taylor Swift has against him.

• The obvious hero cop of the movie takes Sherry to dinner to music that sounds like the intro to “Rubberband Man.” I am paying way too much attention to the music of this shitfest – but I have to admit, it’s damn good.
• A bottle of Blue Nun with chilled glasses for the lady – you Sir, a conno-fucking-isseur.
• During the fight scene in the restaurant, the director forgot to tell the extras in the foreground that they didn’t have to imitate statues and could move around.
• Does this cop really want to bang this hooker or is he somewhat corrupt?
• It doesn’t matter, he shtupps her.
• Creepy-ass John is back in another strip club. Joy unbound.
• I think hookers who call their Madams “bitch” is definitely an HR issue.
• While being tied to the table naked, the hooker mentions that this reminds her of Baltimore. What exactly is Maryland like?
  
• You felt sorry for Shirley getting killed, but this hooker – not so much.
• The same shots used for Shirley’s sacrifice are repeated exactly for the second victim. The nipples however are faithfully replicated this time.
• Yeah – 70’s funk and nipple architecture, that’s what I’m focusing on. Give me a break Maggie May, it’s late September and I really have to finish these reviews.
• This cop’s boudoir antics leave a lot to be desired.
• It took 38 minutes for someone in this movie to mention Mardi Gras.
• This professor is saying human sacrifice so many times I want to add, “dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!”
• John speaks of “A God that will endow God-like powers.” Makes sense in the long run.
• The cops are warned of the legend of The Lady of The Serpent Skirt. I met her once in the late 90’s – don’t believe the hype.
• Sweet fuck, this stripper looks like Fred Gwynne.
• The Herman Munster hooker and her pimp try to rob John in an alley, and the result is the most silent fight I have ever seen on film.
  

  Realizing he forgot to buy any D’s or N’s – Big Daddy had to get a little more verbose when advertising his nude dancers.

• Never do business with a pimp who rhymes every sentence he says and looks like Steve Winwood.
• Here we go for the third fucking time with the sacrificial bed. At least this hooker does a nice dance before the same shit happens to her.
• The relationship between the cop and his hooker girlfriend is complicated at best.
• This movie has somehow morphed into a shitty version of Saturday Night Fever.
• Chick fight on the disco floor!
• It’s only been mentioned once, but can this massacre please head to Mardi Gras now?
• The cops walk by a t-shirt store that has a Travolta poster in the window, so that Saturday Night Fever joke I feel is vindicated.
• Ok, this movie has to end now – I’ve seen this fucking ritual so much I could perform it myself.
• With 15 minutes left in this harrowing drama, we finally arrive at Mardi Gras.
• I remember hearing Jay Mohr once describe Mardi Gras as, “Everyone you hate in the world – drunk.” I can see that.
• John tells the three hookers that the drink he serves them has to be consumed in one swallow. Nope, too easy.
• Only in the 70’s did cops go drink at a bar while waiting for backup.
• After all of the full-frontal nudity and evisceration, they mute the cop when he says, “shit.” Gotta keep it family-friendly here.
• These last few actors are definitely locals since they pronounce “the French Quarter” as “the French Kwarter.”
• So John perfectly eludes these cops, only to steal a police car and drive into the Gulf? What a fucking moron.
• The car is towed out of the water, but John is not in it. Only his mask is recovered. Dum-dum-dum!
  

  Here we see the last memory a woman has after grabbing drinks with the ‘Cos.

Scare Level: Realizing that I paid way too much attention to a special effect’s nipples during a ritualistic sacrifice involving hearts being ripped out in honor of a Peruvian God; I don’t know about you, is enough to make me scared.

Gore Level: The hookers all get their right hands stabbed, their left feet sliced open, and their hearts ripped out. That is all.

Nudity Level: A whole lot thankfully.

Best Line: “Some crazy is making meatballs outta hookers.” Let’s add a little more garlic, bam!

Best Scene: I’m gonna have to go with the nude scenes again, since there is no other redeeming quality to this shit-burger.

Worst Scene: Seeing a true Creole New Orleans bartender wearing a Steelers’ jersey.

Overall: I have never written the words “hooker” and “nipple” this much in my life. Thanks Schlocktoberfest!

Score: 2 Reusable Naked Hooker Dummies (out of 10)