Mardi Gras Massacre (1978)
What’s It About: A john named John killing hookers in the most repetitive way.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Legend has it that this movie is a “semi-remake” of Blood Feast. So, it’s going to semi-semi suck.
- The title card is silent and jittery for 30 seconds – I wanted to punch the slide carousel that I haven’t seen since 5th grade to advance it.
- John is saying he wants something “special” so many times, I thought I was watching an old Lowenbrau commercial from 1977.
- Shirley does not look like the most evil hooker in the bar.
- She is however, the worst actress in the bar.
- Shirley looks very good naked, so I will excuse her acting skills.
- John is wearing a costume that is very reminiscent of Belloq’s from Raiders, so I can only guess that he’s about to open Shirley’s Ark. Bah-zing!
- Who doesn’t love a ritual sacrifice done to funk music I ask you.
- Call me a stickler for detail, but the dummy that John eviscerated could have at least matched the color of the actresses’ nipples. Yup, I’m critiquing nipple color.
- This music sounds like an ELO/Meco mash-up.
- I’m glad that we’re back in the states for this massacre, I was really tired of Greece.
- Sam the bartender’s voice sounds like an American James Mason gargling with hot gravel.
- Aside from this hooker, who still calls a cop “flatfoot” in 1978?
- The obvious hero cop of the movie takes Sherry to dinner to music that sounds like the intro to “Rubberband Man.” I am paying way too much attention to the music of this shitfest – but I have to admit, it’s damn good.
- A bottle of Blue Nun with chilled glasses for the lady – you Sir, a conno-fucking-isseur.
- During the fight scene in the restaurant, the director forgot to tell the extras in the foreground that they didn’t have to imitate statues and could move around.
- Does this cop really want to bang this hooker or is he somewhat corrupt?
- It doesn’t matter, he shtupps her.
- Creepy-ass John is back in another strip club. Joy unbound.
- I think hookers who call their Madams “bitch” is definitely an HR issue.
- While being tied to the table naked, the hooker mentions that this reminds her of Baltimore. What exactly is Maryland like?
- You felt sorry for Shirley getting killed, but this hooker – not so much.
- The same shots used for Shirley’s sacrifice are repeated exactly for the second victim. The nipples however are faithfully replicated this time.
- Yeah – 70’s funk and nipple architecture, that’s what I’m focusing on. Give me a break Maggie May, it’s late September and I really have to finish these reviews.
- This cop’s boudoir antics leave a lot to be desired.
- It took 38 minutes for someone in this movie to mention Mardi Gras.
- This professor is saying human sacrifice so many times I want to add, “dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!”
- John speaks of “A God that will endow God-like powers.” Makes sense in the long run.
- The cops are warned of the legend of The Lady of The Serpent Skirt. I met her once in the late 90’s – don’t believe the hype.
- Sweet fuck, this stripper looks like Fred Gwynne.
- The Herman Munster hooker and her pimp try to rob John in an alley, and the result is the most silent fight I have ever seen on film.
- Never do business with a pimp who rhymes every sentence he says and looks like Steve Winwood.
- Here we go for the third fucking time with the sacrificial bed. At least this hooker does a nice dance before the same shit happens to her.
- The relationship between the cop and his hooker girlfriend is complicated at best.
- This movie has somehow morphed into a shitty version of Saturday Night Fever.
- Chick fight on the disco floor!
- It’s only been mentioned once, but can this massacre please head to Mardi Gras now?
- The cops walk by a t-shirt store that has a Travolta poster in the window, so that Saturday Night Fever joke I feel is vindicated.
- Ok, this movie has to end now – I’ve seen this fucking ritual so much I could perform it myself.
- With 15 minutes left in this harrowing drama, we finally arrive at Mardi Gras.
- I remember hearing Jay Mohr once describe Mardi Gras as, “Everyone you hate in the world – drunk.” I can see that.
- John tells the three hookers that the drink he serves them has to be consumed in one swallow. Nope, too easy.
- Only in the 70’s did cops go drink at a bar while waiting for backup.
- After all of the full-frontal nudity and evisceration, they mute the cop when he says, “shit.” Gotta keep it family-friendly here.
- These last few actors are definitely locals since they pronounce “the French Quarter” as “the French Kwarter.”
- So John perfectly eludes these cops, only to steal a police car and drive into the Gulf? What a fucking moron.
- The car is towed out of the water, but John is not in it. Only his mask is recovered. Dum-dum-dum!
Scare Level: Realizing that I paid way too much attention to a special effect’s nipples during a ritualistic sacrifice involving hearts being ripped out in honor of a Peruvian God; I don’t know about you, is enough to make me scared.
Gore Level: The hookers all get their right hands stabbed, their left feet sliced open, and their hearts ripped out. That is all.
Nudity Level: A whole lot thankfully.
Best Line: “Some crazy is making meatballs outta hookers.” Let’s add a little more garlic, bam!
Best Scene: I’m gonna have to go with the nude scenes again, since there is no other redeeming quality to this shit-burger.
Worst Scene: Seeing a true Creole New Orleans bartender wearing a Steelers’ jersey.
Overall: I have never written the words “hooker” and “nipple” this much in my life. Thanks Schlocktoberfest!
Score: 2 Reusable Naked Hooker Dummies (out of 10)