The Last House on the Left (2009)

Read my review of the original here.

Trailer (which gives away the entire movie so thankfully you don’t have to sit through it): 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Fuckin’ Waze…

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Directed by not Wes Craven, so we’re off to a good start. 

• I think they filmed this opening in the line for the ET ride at Universal Studios. 

• So the family who will be terrorized drives to a remote house in the middle of nowhere, so at least the events will make a bit more sense than in the original. Also, the road it’s on ends at a lake, so it’s literally the last house on the left, unlike the first movie, which seemed to be in the middle of the street. 

• The girl, Mari, is a competitive swimmer, but I bet that doesn’t come into play at all in this house set on a lake. 

• Oh shit, it’s the boy from The Town That Dreaded Sundown with the black eyes. This can’t be good. 

• Mari and her friend Paige are buying Lucifer’s Lettuce off of him. We all know how this ends. 

• The director of this movie is the Quentin Tarantino of knees. 

• Black Eyes’s dad is Krug, which was a dynamic hinted at in the original but never really explained, because it had a shitty director. 

• So the girls run afoul of the gang just because of a little weed. It’s what always happens, kids. The don’t call it the Devil’s Gaping Gateway for nothing. 

• Mari tries a daring escape from the gang’s car by slightly singeing a miscast Riki Lindholm with the car’s cigarette lighter, which makes the car skid uncontrollably down a gentle slope. 

• So they kill Paige and rape Mari. Not really something to write detailed notes about. The original was way more stupid and easier to make fun of. 

• Oh look Mari’s swimming. Who would’ve thought. 

• Krug manages to shoot her in the spine. I guess the movie’s over now. 

• So the gang ends up at Mari’s parents’ house, just like the original. Let’s hope it’s more interesting and suspenseful, but then again, so is your average topographical map of Nebraska. 

“Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Boo.” “Boo who?” “Quit crying, you pussy.”

• By the way, when did we start taking an interest in casting diversity? Must’ve been fairly soon after this movie. 

• Holy shit Mari is still alive? There’s no way she wouldn’t have bled to death in the lake. Or at least be completely incapable of swimming after that spine shot and all. 

• The one thing this movie is missing that the original had is kazoo music. 

• Mari makes it to the house and her doctor dad cauterizes her bullet wound instead of taking the bullet out. 

• Black Eyes leaves Mari’s rape necklace out on the counter on purpose, so her parents know that the gang wasn’t all that nice to her. Or maybe he just did not like the style of the necklace and wanted a refund.

• Her parents keep whiskey in the fridge? They’re the biggest psychos in this movie!

• There’s a seduction scene with the mom and Aaron Paul that has lasted until this day. Why is this movie almost two hours?

• A hammer is the best weapon the dad could find? I own a frggin’ axe and I live in a densely populated suburb!

• Well Aaron Paul gets that shitty hammer in the back of the head, so it wasn’t as useless as I was led to believe. He also got his hand caught in the garbage disposal somehow. 

• The parents’ revenge thing is playing out much better than the original. That being said, there’s a difference between tension and hurry-the-fuck-up. 

• Krug stabs his black eyed boy with the fireplace poker. Then the mom sprays Krug with a fire extinguisher and he freezes solid and then the dad bashes him and he shatters into a thousand pieces and they think it’s over but the fireplace warms his flesh bits up and they knit back together and now he has super strength!

• Actually they all escape but the dad comes back and puts Krug’s head in an open microwave and his head explodes which is not how microwaves work. The end. 

Final Thoughts: This was fairly mediocre aside from a decent cast, although even though I like Garret Dillahunt just fine they should’ve gotten someone much creepier to play Krug, like Jake or Gary Busey. If you know roughly what the movie is about going in you’re not going to be surprised by anything. We definitely never need to see another rape scene in movies ever again, or anything that Wes Craven was involved with.

Score: 5 Houses to Go (out of 10)

Which was Better?: The remake, solely by the virtue of not being the original.