The Schlocktoberfest: The Recap Ends

Let‘s review!

In order from best to worst score:

Piranha (9)
Fright Night (9)
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (8.5)
It: Chapter One (8)
Maniac (6.75)
Stage Fright (5.5)
Child’s Play (5)
Last House on the Left, The (5)
Friday the 13th (5)
It: Chapter Two (5)
Black Christmas (5)
Mother’s Day (5)
Halloween Ends (5)
My Bloody Valentine (4.5)
Crazies, The (4)
Hills Have Eyes, The (4)
Omen, The (4)
Poltergeist (4)
Toolbox Murders (3)
Fog, The (3)
When a Stranger Calls (3)
Rabid (3)
Night of the Demons (2.5)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The (2)
Hitcher, The (2)
Town That Dreaded Sundown, The (1.5)
Children of the Corn (1.5)
Prom Night (1)
April Fool’s Day (1)
Halloween (2007) (0)
Halloween II (-0.5)

Brad’s Thoughts

Our initial idea was to do a month of nothing but horror schlock from 2000 and up since we rarely cover flicks from the modern era. But one September morning I woke up from a fever dream and as I sat, uncomfortably clammy in the pool of my own cold sweat I realized that there are a ton of bad horror remakes in this same time frame especially movies that we already reviewed the originals for! And what better way to self-flagellate ourselves than to review even worse versions of already bad films!

However, in a way some of the better movies I watched during Schlocktoberfest happened to be a few of these remakes. I can’t remember the last time I gave 9s out as a score. (it was last year for A Nightmare on Elm Street 3 BUT BEFORE last year, I can’t recall many 9s!) And truth be told even the worst movies I reviewed this month are still way better and less painful to watch than a typical Schlocktoberfest so for me, personally, this was one of the more enjoyable Schlocktoberfests in a long time.

We keep saying that we don’t know if we’re continuing on for future years and every year we more or less twist our own arms to do another year. And by that time I forget to cancel the auto-pay option for WordPress so Schlocktoberfest is the least we can do. We pretty much stopped everything else. Honestly, we still think of ideas for the next year in the World Wide Web’s most popular annual schlock marathon so we returning next year is a distinct possibility.

Movie That I’d Gladly Watch Again: I had a lot of fun revisiting Fright Night and Piranha so I can easily watch those two again if I find myself with that kind of time! All my other reviews were in the 5 or lower so not sure if I would ever watch them again. But that’s the thing about this year’s theme with remakes—I’m much more inclined to just watch the much better originals than these tiresome bores.

Movie I Already Forgot About: Even though Prom Night was the worst scored movie I watched, I barely recall what happened in The Fog. In fact most of the others are a bit fuzzy already.

Best Villain: Hard to compete with Jason, even if that Jason was in a mediocre remake. Runner-up: Jerry Dandridge, unfriendly neighborhood vampire.

Best Kill: Jeez, so many decent kills this Schlocktoberfest…so hard to choose just one. But I was very impressed with David Thewlis’ decapitation in The Omen. Can’t beat a good ol’ head loppin’.

Runner-up: Jerry O’Connell getting his twig and berries ripped off in Piranha.

Worst Kill: No one died in Poltergeist. So by default, that should be the worst, however, I will give it to Jason in Friday the 13th since it was very bland and hardly memorable for such an iconic villain.

Best Character: Tie goes to Kelly Brook and Riley Steele in Piranha!

Runner-Up: Jerry Dandridge from Fright Night. Colin Farrell really had fun with that role with equal amount of camp and gravitas.

Worst Character: Really anyone from Prom Night. Runner-Up goes to anyone from When a Stranger Calls.

Best Special Effects: This is not an easy choice for me for some reason. Not sure if it’s a lack of decent options or that most of the flicks I watched was not effects-heavy. Piranha was OK but sometimes the CGI fish looked silly. I wasn’t even that impressed by Fright Night‘s obvious CGI vampire effects. I guess The Omen should be mentioned for its awesome death effects as well as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with its very nice gun blast to the face effect.

Worst Effects: I much rather have an animatronic Chucky than whatever CGI pixel nightmare the new Chucky was.

Best Female Lead: I know I can’t say Riley Steele and Kelly Brook since they are not leads so I will have to go with Rebecca DeMornay for having a lot of fun with the character and being the only memorable aspect to the dull Mother’s Day remake.

Favorite Review from Someone Other Than Me: Brian’s April Fools Day, probably because he and I watched the dreadful mess together and shockingly we both survived. Also, kudos to him for having not one but two Smokey and the Bandit mentions!

I thoroughly enjoyed Jim’s IT reviews because his enthusiasm for the book and movies made me want to revisit them again. he also made me go back and watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers due to his great observations.

Brian‘s Thoughts

Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? And by that I mean watching new Halloween movies.

Least Excruciating: Maniac was honestly the only picture I enjoyed more than a passable amount.

Runner-up: Stage Fright, which was fun in between the parts where it didn’t really work at all, kind of like eating the two ends of a meatloaf and you find out that the middle of the meatloaf was just sawdust and spit.

Never Again: I mean, almost everything really but Children of the Corn was as dull as a horror movie gets, and at least April Fool’s Day had that chick accidentally getting shot in the head at the end.

Most Disappointing: Again, everything was disappointing, but the premise of the original April Fool’s Day was great, and the remake just screwed it up more badly than sticking your hand near a running lawn mower.

Runner up: Night of the Demons, but I’m not sure why I had any hopes for it at all; Sean Bean’s performance in The Hitcher.

Most Pleasant Surprise: The Last House on the Left being watchable, unlike the original.

Best Villain: Wow, there was just nothing this year, so I guess The Maniac by default.

Worst Villain: Fuck off, Corey.

Runners-up: The Screeching Kabukiman from Stage Fright; the Baby Preacher from Children of the Corn; anyone in April Fool’s Day.

Best Kill: Michael getting shredded in Halloween Ends. Just get out of here, you’re a terrible disappointment.

Runners-up: Meat Loaf getting sliced in Stage Fright; that girl accidentally getting shot in the head in April Fool’s Day.

Worst Kill: Krug getting his head microwaved from The Last House on the Left.

Runner-up: All other kills from April Fool’s Day.

Favorite Character: Ooooof, I don’t know, man. I guess I’ll just go with Camille from Stage Fright, because she wasn’t too annoying and could really fill out a kabuki costume.

Worst Character: Hands down Jeff from The Video Dead. Yeah that was 11 years ago but I still hate him. This time it‘s Corey, of course. In fact, he may replace Jeff in this running gag for the next 11 years.

Runners-up: Allyson from Halloween Ends for instantly falling in love with an obvious lunatic; Laurie Strode from Halloween Ends for not moving as far fucking away from Haddonfield as possible you idiot.

Best Special Effects: The Wife Creature from Rabid looked pretty good, I suppose. Ok, I just wanted to get Rabid in here somewhere.

Worst Special Effects: Every 3D moment in My Bloody Valentine.

Runner-up: The dumb head shaking demon transformations in Night of the Demons.

Schlockscars:
Best Actor: Elijah Wood – Maniac
Worst Actor: Everyone who identified as male – April Fool’s Day
Best Actress: Laura Vandervoort – Rabid
Worst Actress: Kandyse McClure – Children of the Corn
Best Director: Franck Khalfoun – Maniac
Worst Director: David Gordon Green – Halloween Trilogy
Best Original Song: Stage Fright

Miss Schlocktoberfest 2022:

Kabubi

Best Chest of the Rest: Both of Jim’s Halloween reviews because of his brevity bravery. Brad’s Halloween Ends review because he’s my best friend and we agree on 99.99999999% of most things and it’s fascinating to me how he liked a movie that was the equivalent of a wad of bloody diapers in a nursing home dumpster.

See you next year?

Jim’s Thoughts

Step inside, hello! We have a most amazing show, you’ll enjoy it all we know. Step inside, step inside! We’ve got thrills and schlocks, supersonic fighting cocks! Leave your hammers at the box. Come inside! Come inside!

Felt like starting off with some old prog for you old fuckers out there.

Well, here we are at a dozen years. All that means is that next year is 13, and that magical number automatically gives way to some cool shit. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves and concentrate on the year of the remakes.

Oh by the way, yes, I am aware of the fact that the number of my reviews are declining as fast as the rising number of 60 year olds in California who say their father was the fucking Zodiac Killer. Inspiration is a rare commodity in these parts, and you make do with what you can – and my father was not an interesting enough person to be a Zodiac suspect. Although it would explain a lot of the goings-on in my head.

OK, let’s get down to it Boppers.

Movie That I’d Gladly Watch Again: I could do an It marathon any time anywhere. There was supposed to be a killer Blu-ray of both movies combined with extra and new footage inserted to make one huge epic, which unfortunately never happened. Apparently the box office for chapter two killed any idea for a Lord of the Rings-esque version of this movie. Fuckin’ shame.

Movie I Already Forgot About: Apparently Rob Zombie remade the first two Halloweens? Get right outta town! I bet they really sucked.

Best Special Effects: This definitely goes to Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Very cool and gross effects for 1978.

Best Hero: This becomes a group reward this year and it goes to The Losers Club from It Chapter One.

Best Villain: Of course Pennywise, c’mon.

Worst Character: Michael Myers from The Zombie remakes, and I mean both child and adult versions. I wish there were some way we could have gotten the young Michael into Derry and these movies would have never happened.

Best Compatriot Contributions: Brad’s Friday the 13th because an entry in this series is always worth it no matter how bad it is; and Brian’s Stage Fright because that movie has the esteemed distinction of appearing here three times.

Miss Schlocktoberfest 2022: Very slim pickens due to my choices, so I’ll go with Jessica Chastain from It.

I’m quite proud to say that almost all of the movies I’ve covered over the years here have never been remade. You can count the ones that have on the hand of Michael Myers after Laurie shot his fingers off like he was Roland Deschain. Do you honestly think there’s room in this world for a new version of Cannibal Holocaust or Galaxina? Me neither.