Piranha (2010)

Trailer: 

Check out my review of the original Piranha here!

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Cute little piranha 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• More Alexandre Aja. Yippee.
• HOWEVER! The best Richard Dreyfuss cameo ever reprising an old grizzled Matt Hooper on a fishing dinghy drunkenly singing Show Me The Way To Go Home. Gawd, I love Richard Dreyfuss. I hope half the budget went to this cameo. It’s worth every penny.
• It’s astounding to me that the Jaws sequels followed the Brody family instead of being focused on Matt Hooper. I mean, he was the shark expert after all.
• Why would a herd (school?) of piranha cause a whirlpool? Aw, heck, it’s awesome!
• THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!!! Did you notify the Coast Guard?!
• I totally forgot Adam Scott was in this. I’ll try to not let it damper my mood.
• AND Christopher Lloyd?!
• SPRING BREAK!!!!
• Edited by Baxter! BAXTER RULES!!!
• I wish this flick came out back when I was younger. 
• Liz Shue is film history’s hottest cop. Prove me wrong!
• She can tase me any time!
• This main chick, Kelly, reminds me of a chick I had a huge crush on in high school. This will undoubtedly affect my review of the film.
• A little girl just complimented on some hot chick’s boobs. Multiple times. Man, I forgot how awesome this movie was.
• Is there anyone NOT horny in this movie? Nope. And that Includes me.

This is what happens…

• Good ol’ Jerry O’Connell. Bless him.
• Jerry is basically a caricature of the dude who was head off Girls Gone Wild. Which I believe was way past its prime by the time this movie came out.
• The main kid, Jake (played by the grandson of Steve McQueen) is Liz Shue’s kid and man, do I feel sorry for him. If I was him I’d have a major case of Oedipal complex.
• She can play the “Sheriff Card” with me any day.
• Jake likes Radiohead, Lou Reed and The Ramones. Good kid in my book.
• Good ol’ Ving Rhames.
• I have zero issue with Ving and Liz Shue flirting about skinny dipping.
• This was no propellor!
• Ya know, I could make a 1000 more Jaws references and jokes, but so everyone’s sake I’m gonna decline. I’ll try to anyway.
• Jake’s sister is hilariously obsessed with boobies. And I’m all for it.
• The fact that I never partook in any kind of raunchy Spring Break vacation while in college is a major regret on my part. I did not spend enough time with drunk chicks.
• Kelly Brook! And pornstar Riley Steele! This movie is nitpick bullet-proof!
• Seriously, if anyone complains about this flick they are a fucking asshole.
• It is kinda odd that Riley Steele and Kelly Brook would spring break in Lake Havasu Arizona though, no?
• I would party with Jerry O’Connell in a heartbeat.
• I’m quickly falling for this Kelly girl. Could be the beers that its making me admit this more freely but day-umm.
• Wet T-shirt extravaganza? Seems quaint for this crowd. 75% of the girls are nude already.
• Paul Scheer? Nice.
• There’s no way I wouldn’t cream my jeans if I just heard Kelly Brook speak to me in her English accent.
• Do they know how old Jake is? I don’t know myself but I’m assuming he’s way too young to be in their company doing what they’re doing.
• FULL FRONTAL!
• Kelly Brook and Riley Steel are nude swimming to classical composer Léo Delibes’ Flower Duet. I don’t want to brag but this could be the greatest scene in Schlocktoberfest history.
• All they are wearing are flippers.
• Jerry O’Connell said if fish looked like them, he would fuck fish. I don’t disagree, however, it is a weird thing to think/say.
• This is one of, nay, the best scene in film history. I can watch this on a loop 24/7.
• I would gladly volunteer to swim with these girls even if it’s piranha infested waters and that would risk my life in the process.

Cum with me, my love, to the sea, the sea of love.

• OK. I’m starting to chafe so maybe that’s enough of the nude water ballet. For now.
• This kid Jake has to be only a high school kid considering his mom is nagging him this much about babysitting his siblings.
• This movie is alluding to the piranha coming from a recently opened volcanic ridge of an underwater lake inside the lake from the prehistoric era. Cool. Let me know when the nudity comes back.
• I appreciate the movie’s attempt to flesh out the science and reasons why there are an abundance of prehistoric killer piranha but this is taking up too much time. Especially away from the bewbs.
• Adam Scott to the rescue! I know it sounded weird for me to type that as well.
• The CGI piranha flopping around looks terrible.
• Kelly is resistant to do any of the Girls Gone Wild stuff with O’Connell but then again she did volunteer to go on his mini yacht here when she knew he was filming stuff with Brook and Steele.
• Idiot Jake doesn’t know the proper order for a tequila shot.

Everyone knows it’s like this

• Lightweight Kelly pukes after one tequila shot off Riley Steele’s belly.
• Doc Brown! Great Scott!
• Adam Scott says the word Piranha like its a fictional creature and he can’t believe it exists.
• Doc Brown surmises that the prehistoric Piranha survived for millions of years in isolation by cannibalism. To eats its own I always say.
• Christopher Lloyd is acting his heart out!
• Topless parasailing. The way nature intended.
• How did Jake get this gig working the cameras for Jerry O’Connell? Why is O’Connell hiring local kids for his porn videos?
• The topless parasailor got both her legs bitten off while she was dipped in the water and when she was elevated again, she seemed to be dead. Kinda a quick death no?
• Eli Roth. Playing a perky wet t-shirt contest host. The role he was born to play.
• Hahahaha. There are religious idiots protesting the wet T-shirt contest.
• Ving Rhames can’t stop the party! These kids need to be naked and drunk and they are going to do it despite the law!
• This rambunctious drunken orgy has turned into an orgy of blood and guts!
• Hahahaha. A steel wire flung off one of the floating stages and whipped two hapless bikini girls and ripped them in half!
• I’m sorry this review isn’t that funny or entertaining but that’s mostly because I’m actually thoroughly enjoying it.
• Adam Scott. Action-hero?
• Seriously, it’s weird seeing Adam Scott wield a shotgun.

• Nice. Eli Roth’s just got decapitated when two boats collided with his noggin’ softening their blow.
• Liz Shue actually was able to tase a piranha underwater. Seems like that shouldn’t work.
• I forgot how long and gory this feeding frenzy scene was. It feels like it’s been going on for 20 minutes straight with no cuts to other scenes.
• Some girl has her hair caught in a boat propellor and had her face pulled off her face!
• This is easily one of the better Schlocktoberfest flicks I’ve seen! Like it’s been years since I actually enjoyed myself watching this kind of shit.
• Now Riley Steel and Jerry O’Connell are fish bait!
• Jerry is saved by Kelly Brook and he’s basically bitten all the way to the bone from his waist down and his only concern is if they ate his penis before he dies.
• Hahahaha. There’s his wang, floating in the water before being eaten by a piranha and then burped back up half eaten! Loving this shit.
• I was going to show the clip but seriously, if anyone actually reads this and gets offended it would shut this site down for good!
• Ving Rhames gives up on shooting the piranha and instead takes a small boat motor and uses it like a chainsaw!

I’m gonna go maritime on their ass!

• It’s not really doing the trick since he’s being devoured in the process.
• Liz Shue leaves the feeding frenzy rampage when Jake calls her and she’s off to save him and his siblings. Don’t worry her deputies I’m sure will assess the carnage the spring breakers just endured.
• Jake and his mom are wasting valuable time arguing about who’s going to save Kelly while the boat is sinking and Kelly is stuck in the lower cabin while the water gushes in from the broken glass bottom.
• I don’t think Kelly Brook is going to make it across that tether line.
• Nope.

’nuff said

• Jerry O’Connell happens to still be alive enough to spit blood in Jake’s face as he gargles Wet T-Shirt a few times before Jake can throw his carcass overboard to ward off the swarm of piranha.
• All the stupid Piranha go to O’Connell’s body instead of seeing and attacking Jake as he swims under the boat to get to Kelly.
• For a boat with no more glass bottom it sure is sinking very slowly.
• Jake rescuing Kelly is going to get him so laid later.
• Adam Scott can’t start the boat to pull Kelly and Jake back up to safety. But only for a moment of course.
• Jake also managed to detonate the boat just as they were pulled up killing the swarm of piranha. What a crafty lad.
• I’m just remembering that Christopher Lloyd was in this flick.
• Hahahaha. Lloyd tells Shue and Scott over the CB that the piranha specimen they brought him is a baby piranha meaning the adults are somewhere still out there and as Scott ponders this new information a giant piranha jumps out of the water and takes him off the boat.
• And roll credits! Brava! Give this movie its’ Oscars already!

Final Thoughts: I remember enjoying this flick back when Brian and I saw it in theatres but that was 12 years ago and I hardly thought about it since. Well, that was a mistake (also a mistake was not checking out the sequels) because this movie was a ton of fun. It never tried to be anything special, it knew exactly what it is, fun schlock with a ton of gore and T&A. Its tongue was firmly its cheek and never once was it meant to be taken seriously. And it’s really not that dumb either—more spoofy and over-the-top than anything but things make relative sense and don’t make you scream at the screen that something doesn’t work or leave you confused. Alexandre Aja found his niche with this feature and I think Brian will review Maniac in the near future and Aja also did Horns with Daniel Radcliffe that I also enjoyed mostly because it wasn’t so serious but had funny moments.

Score: 9 Wet T-shirts (out of 10)

Which was Better?: Sorry Joe Dante but your original is more like evil tuna fish compared to these Piranha.