It Chapter Two (2019)

I guess I’m gonna have to review the old one twice.

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: It. Again. Stupid.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Hello to the two people reading this that are not named Brad or Brian.

• We start right off with Beverly’s future vision the Losers – way to hit the ground a -runnin’

• That pause when Stan asks what he looks like older is not foreshadowing at all.

• That “Meg Ryan called” comeback was pretty lame I must say.

• So all it takes to wake up Pennywise is gay-bashing and assault, noted.

• OK, at this point why are they not utilizing “99 Luft Balloons?”

• Mike, who grew up to be the Old Spice guy, now lives in what looks like the Birds Of Prey headquarters.

• Stuttering Bill, who grew up to be Professor X (depending on which Marvel timeline you’re watching); does not seem to get along at all with Peter Bogdonovich. He is directing the film based on one of Bill’s books.

• I don’t like that fucking creep either due to the whole Dorothy Stratten tragedy.
  

• So the blood oath scars come back with their memories of being kids, which makes sense in a Stephen King sort of way.

• The casting director should have received an Oscar because the adult Eddie, Stan, and Ben look exactly like the kids.

• The woman playing Eddie’s wife is the same woman who played his mother. There are so many jokes/metaphors for this, that I’m not gonna bother writing one of them down.

• This movie answers the burning question, “What would it look like if Bill Hader puked on me?”

• Oooof. You would think that the filmmakers would have let Hader write Ritchie’s standup material. The heckler was right in pointing out that he sucked.

• Like in the book and in the 1990 series, Ben grew up to be a successful architect. A very nice nod to the original series happens here when the head of the Zoom meeting with Ben is played by the original Ben as a kid.

• That starry sky to puzzle pieces transition was pretty sweet.

• I wonder if this scene was shocking to people who didn’t know the story when Stan did the Frank Pentangeli in his bathtub.

• The fight between Beverly and her abusive piece of shit husband was darker in the 90 series when Annette O’Toole did it.

• Christ, there are corpses, blood, and body parts flying out of the water in Derry’s sewer – and I bet it is still more drinkable than Detroit and Jackson.

• Oh, I see – we’re finding out how Bowers survived that header he took down the well in ’89.

• It seems all those years in the drooling academy has turned Bowers into quite the artist.

• It was nice of Hockstetter’s rotting corpse to give Bowers his old knife back. The plot had to be advanced somehow.

• I give myself a small chuckle every time I start an entry off with “It” for hopefully obvious reasons.

• 30 years absence and a new array of gory murders in town just scream for a huge Chinese dinner.

• 2 lines in and Hader has already stolen the show. This guy fucking rules.

• We don’t get Hader’s impression of a Tauntaun, but we do get his Jabba.

• Great, now I’m jones-ing for Chinese food and it’s 11:35 at night and doubt there are any more delivery places open. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I’ll order some from that place in the shopping center in front of my building. Huh? Don’t mind me just keep watching the movie.

• In case you were wondering, the reason everyone keeps talking about how Bill’s endings to his books and movies always suck is an inside joke about Stephen King. He has been accused of this his entire career.

• As soon as these movies were announced, I couldn’t wait to see how crazy the upgraded fortune cookie scene would be. It’s great, but once again I have to favor the ’90 series as being just a little bit better.
  
  
  

• Pennywise has his first real scene finally and reminds us that his prime directive is to in fact, eat children.
  

• When Bowers breaks out of the asylum, I was kinda hoping Hockstetter’s corpse would pick him up in Christine.

• Nobody works in this inn? You can just go behind the bar and help yourself? Kick ass.

• Turns out Mike lives above the town library. I was sorta close with the Birds Of Prey reference.

• The acid “root” scene should have shown the Turtle, the arch-enemy of the cosmic It. Since no one reads this, I won’t get into the backstory. All things serve the Beam.

• The Ritual of Chud! That movie rules! But how do cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers stop a child-eating clown? I’m getting ahead of myself I think.

• Seems that Beverly had bad visions of her friends in pain like she was on Dagobah levitating rocks while doing a handstand.

• I’ve always wanted to walk down the middle of the street in a deserted town. Looks cool.

• The losers old underground fort had old issues of Gorezone, cassette tapes, and a Lost Boys movie poster on the wall. The stuff late 80’s dreams are made of.

• At this point, the movie has just as many side quests as Final Fantasy and Zelda combined.

• The Beverly scene with Mrs. Kersh was definitely an upgrade in the creepy department from the ’90 series.

• Bev gets her key, smokes, and the poem from Ben. Side quest complete.
  
  
  

• Boy, if I had a nickel for every time a scary old woman made me tea and then danced naked into the kitchen behind my back – I’d have 20 cents.

• It looks like the last 2 movies the Derry theater played were “You’ve Got Mail” and that shit-fest “Avengers” adaption of the old ‘60s show. What a horrible way to die.

• Ritchie gets an arcade game token, remembers that he’s gay, then gets attacked by a giant Paul Bunyan statue. Side quest complete.

• Gratuitous Stephen King cameo goes……here.

• Bill buys his old bike from a second hand store, and gets Georgie’s paper boat from the sewer drain. Side quest complete.

• I imagine that this is the first time the awful New Kids On The Block got a residual check from a movie.

• Some more kudos to the ’90 series, but Tim Curry said, “Kiss me fat boy!” a million times better.

• Wait, what was Ben side quest reward? The autograph page Bev signed? It’s not really said.

• Director cameo in the pharmacy.

• Eddie gets a new inhaler, chokes the gross leper from his youth, and gets black bile vomited on him all to Juice Newtons “Angel Of The Morning.” Side quest complete?

• Huh. In the book and in the ’90 series it was Mike that Bowers stabbed in the present day.

• There’s been a ton of them, but Eddie fires off one of the best mullet jokes ever – even after getting stabbed in the cheek.

• Halls of mirrors suck out loud even when there isn’t a monster clown inside them.

• Stan’s Bar Mitzvah speech was easily the greatest one I’ve ever heard.

• Story-wise (Get it? Wise?) it should have been Ben that killed Bowers not Ritchie.

• “Let’s kill this fucking clown.” Once again Ladies and Germs I give you the campaign slogan for the DNC in 2024 if the orange asshole runs again.

• Finally a “beep beep Ritchie!”

• When Stan’s head sprouts crab legs and chases the guys, I can’t make the appropriate “The Thing” reference because Bill Hader does it for us perfectly.
  
  
  

• Damn! Ben went all Halloween 5 opening credits on Stan’s crab head.

• These final scenes are filmed with so much green I thought I was in an old Type O Negative video.

• The constant green does give a slimy H.P. Lovecraft vibe to the proceedings however.

• OK, it was Ben’s yearbook page for his token, Eddie’s was his inhaler, and Mike’s is the rock that hit Bowers in the head when they were kids in the rock war. Side quests 100% complete.

• The Ritual of Chud is apparently screaming “turn light into dark!” which are basically the instructions for your toaster if you really look at it.

• Well, “Spider-It” is a massive upgrade from 1990.

• This movie really is playing out like a video game. The side quests, the final boss, and these special stages where the Losers go back to the 1989 scenarios in their memories.

• A fucking “Here’s Johnny!” Shining gag? Jesus wept.

• Again with Beverly and the oceans of blood.

• This final fight is beginning to go on a little too long.

• It’s deadlights sound like a fucking Skrillex dubstep.

• Eddie with the Red 5 Death Star Trench run shot!

• It declares himself “The Eater of Worlds.” So that makes him Galactus then?

• Hey everybody! It’s mini-me It!

• I’ve read the book 6 times and have seen the 1990 series tons of times – yes I knew Eddie was gonna die.

• The house on Neibolt Street finally collapses in on itself a la Poltergeist.

• Fucking Hader knocking it outta the park yet again.

• That shot of the adults looking into the window and seeing the kids is one for the record books.

• A major shout out to the original novel, Bill is writing a new book and writes a paragraph from it verbatim.

• One helluva tear-jerker ending. Someone’s cutting fucking onions in here again.

Final Thoughts: An argument I’ve had a number of times being a Stephen King fan, is that yes he writes some horrific shit – but the core of almost every one of his tales like this is friendship and being a kid. It, Stand By Me (The Body), The Dark Tower Series, and even Salem’s Lot to a degree, in my opinion; all get their energy from some sort of bond between people. And again in my humble opinion, I don’t think anyone writes about being a kid and having those childhood memories flood you like King does. Well, I’ve said enough. These are good movies. It’s not like I’m getting paid for this or anything.

Score: 5 Clown-Tongue Stained Mirrors (out of 10)

Was it Entertaining?:          

Which was Better?: Chapter One was better than Chapter Two, and both of them combined fall behind the 1990 series by a mere smudge.