Mission Log: This was Dorothy Stratten’s final movie before her murder, and it’s my last film for this year – so lets initiate System 9 one last time…
Here are some of my observations during playback:
- Wow, I’ve never seen an opening crawl like this in a sci-fi movie before.
- This movie also has a galactic federation, never seen that before either.
- Who checked the grammar of this opening crawl? I thought I was bad with commas.
- Those of you who know Dorothy Stratten’s story, and those who know what my sense of humor is like; I give you this article as sort of a disclaimer because I really don’t know how brutal I might get. It’s far more forgiving than South Park, who said that you have to wait 22.3 years for something to be funny – but either way I’m covered.
- An overhead shot slowly panning over a very large starship – again, never saw that before.
- Dean Cundey, the genius Director of Photography for Halloween did this movie too. Why?
- The captain of the ship is doing a VO entry into his log announcing the date of their seven year mission. Holy shit is this movie breaking new ground.
- Joy and Yummies indeed.
- Captain Cornelius Butt. Hilarious. I can’t believe they didn’t go with Seymore.
- Written and directed by William Sachs, who also did The Incredible Melting Man. This is a very good year for pingbacks.
- Ah, remember the good old days when you could see matte lines around anything that was in space?
- What exactly did Dorothy Stratten see in Peter Bogdanovitch? That asshole looks like he should be under a bridge taunting goats. Think I’m being too cruel? Well, he went on to marry Stratten’s younger sister in 1988 when he was 49 and she was 20. Yeah, a real fucking prince. Pezzo di merda.
- Pilots in bad sci-fi movies always seem to have to wear cowboy hats.
- Is Dorothy just gonna spin around in her chair the whole movie?
- The pilot is watching the year 3008’s equivalent of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
- And it is being broadcasted live from Uranus. They actually went with a fucking Uranus joke.
- Hey! It’s Sean’s dad from The Monster Squad! Right on.
- Why is this starship screaming?
- The Los Angeles Dodgers are still around in 3008?
- Would someone please turn down the Echoplex on this alien?
- I was wondering when this movie would use “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”
- Avery Schreiber ladies and gents, I haven’t seen him since Silent Scream three years ago.
- This is supposed to be a comedy right?
- I bet even Corman thought the effects in this movie were cheap.
- That is one foul-mouthed alien prisoner. Golly.
- A black dude with Vulcan ears and bat-wings, and an old Asian guy smoking a pipe – this crew is just ready for hijinks.
- Are they ever gonna let 1980’s Playmate of the Year speak?
- Now that I mention it, a decent alternate title for this film could have been, Star 80. Was that the Hemingway or the Jaime Lee one? The Hemingway one, right.
- I always thought Dorothy’s appearance in Buck Rogers in the 25th Century the year before this movie was far better. Sorry, we now return you to the arts…
- So if the bat-winged Vulcan guy is Maurice, does that make the pilot the Space Cowboy or The Gangster of Love?
- Captain Butt eats an alien egg and coughs up an alien baby that runs away across the dinner table. I would like to apologize on behalf of this movie to the estate of Dan O’Bannon. Thank fuck Schlock 9 is over.
- Everyone is staring at Galaxina’s tits and ass (and why would you not) like they’ve never seen a Playboy Playmate before, sheesh.
- Oh OK, Galaxina isn’t programmed to talk – that explains a lot.
- This is supposed to be funny right?
- The year 3008’s version of online porn looks like you’re watching the Playboy channel scrambled in 1986.
- Captain Butt, Sgt. Thor, and Buzz (groan) the pilot get a 24 hour shore leave, so they go to an alien whorehouse where the aliens are just women in Halloween masks. If I stopped my review here I doubt anyone would notice.
- This scene really puts the Star Wars cantina to shame.
- A hooker with 3 tits! Paul Verhoeven, were you watching this too?
- Buzz ends up with a blue hooker and her makeup is all over his mouth and chest, no need to shoot that scene again at all.
- Thor briefly kisses a female robot on his way out of the whorehouse and it is none other than Rhonda Shear! Who doesn’t remember being USA Up All Night with her?
- I’m beginning to wonder if Mel Brooks watched this movie with Paul Verhoeven.
- I’ve had it with watching these chairs spin around all of the fucking time.
- The crew’s cryo-sleep is going to last 27 years and I’m absolutely sure I’m gonna feel every second of it.
- Wacky Packages are funnier than the space commercials Galaxina’s watching.
- At this point in her career Dorothy wanted to be taken seriously as an actress, yet she does not speak until 57 minutes into the film. Just sayin’.
- I make jokes about the poor girl and her shit acting, but Dorothy was pretty awesome. If there is a Hell, I can only hope that Paul Snider is being raped in every hole by a ten-cocked demon 24 times a day. Yeah, I said it.
- That alien’s voice is the guy who did the trailer to Jaws. Whatshisname…Percy Rodriguez, that’s it.
- This old Asian guy’s Confucius jokes are fucking abysmal.
- What the fuck is Adam West’s Batmobile doing on this planet?
- Another Star Wars cantina rip-off, this time with an antique juke box in the corner.
- Such a hilarious menu as well: Skin & Tonic, Scotchman On The Rocks, Thigh Pie, and Fruit Of The Womb being the standouts.
- The bartender is a dead-ringer for Spock, but his name is Mr. Spot! Fuck this very much.
- Odric from Modric in the house.
- Ah, the good old days once again – when you wanted the set to look like an alien planet, all you had to do was adjust the color saturation.
- I think Thor said earlier that humans formed this colony, yet there’s nothing but aliens in the whole pueblo.
- Galaxina and Odric have an old west gunslinger duel in the street, and William Sachs did his best to channel his inner Sergio Leone.
- Sound effects courtesy of being stolen from the original Battlestar Galactica.
- It’s kinda funny that the entire crew had to stay behind due to mass whiplash.
- It’s 3034 and people are still spinning vinyl and dancing like it’s the 1950’s.
- Galaxina is captured by a group of outlaws whose leader stands in front of a motorcycle praising it as their God, “Ali-David-Son.” Suck me sideways.
- Their prayer involves saying, “Vah-room.” I want to kill myself.
- The doo-wop music stinger whenever someone says “Blue Star” is kinda funny.
- A chase scene done to the William Tell Overture. Well, it is public domain and didn’t cost nuthin’.
- OK, let’s wrap this up folks.
- At least the actor who played Thor can put on his resume that he got to make out with Dorothy Stratten
- Moving on, the coughed up alien rips apart Odric, frees the crew from captivity, and eats the Blue Star. The End. Thank fuck.
Scare Stars: This was lauded as a comedy as it happens, so this entry doesn’t apply here.
Gore Galaxy: Some silly body parts in the “Human Restaurant,” but nothing I would consider gore in the strictest sense.
Heavenly Bodies: Dorothy Stratten, Susan Kiger, and Rhonda Shear are in this movie and not one bit of skin from the lot of them.
Best Transmission: “Asshole, don’t you know that in space no one can hear your siren?” I did apologize to the estate of Dan O’Bannon already yes?
Best Visual: Dorothy Stratten.
Worst Visual: Any scene that had some sort of a special effect in it.
Damage Report: Once upon a time, way back in the early eighties (when Stranger Things really happened young ones) I remember some kid in school had stolen his Dad’s copy of Stratten’s Playmate of the Year issue and brought it to school. Suffice to say I was in deep smit, so it was nice to see her again after all of this time. She really was something else. That being said I don’t want to let the few people who appreciate my black sense of humor down, so I will end this review by saying: Dorothy Stratten was killed by a 12 gauge shotgun blast to the face – and I doubt it hurt as much as this movie did. Remember, I did warn you.
Guess what folks, that’s Schlocktoberfest 2019, and I…am…outta here.
Kobayashi Maru Score: