Schlocktoberfest IX – Day 30: Galaxina | Hard Ticket to Home Video

Galaxina (1980)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: This was Dorothy Stratten’s final movie before her murder, and it’s my last film for this year – so lets initiate System 9 one last time…

Here are some of my observations during playback:

Wow, I’ve never seen an opening crawl like this in a sci-fi movie before.
This movie also has a galactic federation, never seen that before either.
Who checked the grammar of this opening crawl? I thought I was bad with commas.
Those of you who know Dorothy Stratten’s story, and those who know what my sense of humor is like; I give you this article as sort of a disclaimer because I really don’t know how brutal I might get. It’s far more forgiving than South Park, who said that you have to wait 22.3 years for something to be funny – but either way I’m covered.
https://theweek.com/articles/451775/science-formula-when-tell-jokes-about-tragedy
An overhead shot slowly panning over a very large starship – again, never saw that before.
Dean Cundey, the genius Director of Photography for Halloween did this movie too. Why?
The captain of the ship is doing a VO entry into his log announcing the date of their seven year mission. Holy shit is this movie breaking new ground.
Joy and Yummies indeed.
Captain Cornelius Butt. Hilarious. I can’t believe they didn’t go with Seymore.
Written and directed by William Sachs, who also did The Incredible Melting Man. This is a very good year for pingbacks.
Ah, remember the good old days when you could see matte lines around anything that was in space?
Hello nurse!
What exactly did Dorothy Stratten see in Peter Bogdanovitch? That asshole looks like he should be under a bridge taunting goats. Think I’m being too cruel? Well, he went on to marry Stratten’s younger sister in 1988 when he was 49 and she was 20. Yeah, a real fucking prince. Pezzo di merda.
Pilots in bad sci-fi movies always seem to have to wear cowboy hats.
Is Dorothy just gonna spin around in her chair the whole movie?
The pilot is watching the year 3008’s equivalent of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
And it is being broadcasted live from Uranus. They actually went with a fucking Uranus joke.
Hey! It’s Sean’s dad from The Monster Squad! Right on.
Why is this starship screaming?
The Los Angeles Dodgers are still around in 3008?
Would someone please turn down the Echoplex on this alien?
I was wondering when this movie would use “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”
Avery Schreiber ladies and gents, I haven’t seen him since Silent Scream three years ago.
This is supposed to be a comedy right?
I bet even Corman thought the effects in this movie were cheap.
That is one foul-mouthed alien prisoner. Golly.
A black dude with Vulcan ears and bat-wings, and an old Asian guy smoking a pipe – this crew is just ready for hijinks.
Are they ever gonna let 1980’s Playmate of the Year speak?
Now that I mention it, a decent alternate title for this film could have been, Star 80. Was that the Hemingway or the Jaime Lee one? The Hemingway one, right.
I always thought Dorothy’s appearance in Buck Rogers in the 25^th Century the year before this movie was far better. Sorry, we now return you to the arts…
So if the bat-winged Vulcan guy is Maurice, does that make the pilot the Space Cowboy or The Gangster of Love?
Captain Butt eats an alien egg and coughs up an alien baby that runs away across the dinner table. I would like to apologize on behalf of this movie to the estate of Dan O’Bannon. Thank fuck Schlock 9 is over.
Everyone is staring at Galaxina’s tits and ass (and why would you not) like they’ve never seen a Playboy Playmate before, sheesh.
Oh OK, Galaxina isn’t programmed to talk – that explains a lot.
This is supposed to be funny right?
The year 3008’s version of online porn looks like you’re watching the Playboy channel scrambled in 1986.
Captain Butt, Sgt. Thor, and Buzz (groan) the pilot get a 24 hour shore leave, so they go to an alien whorehouse where the aliens are just women in Halloween masks. If I stopped my review here I doubt anyone would notice.
Stuck between a shit Spock and an alien dominatrix.
This scene really puts the Star Wars cantina to shame.
A hooker with 3 tits! Paul Verhoeven, were you watching this too?
Buzz ends up with a blue hooker and her makeup is all over his mouth and chest, no need to shoot that scene again at all.
Thor briefly kisses a female robot on his way out of the whorehouse and it is none other than Rhonda Shear! Who doesn’t remember being USA Up All Night with her?
I’m beginning to wonder if Mel Brooks watched this movie with Paul Verhoeven.
I’ve had it with watching these chairs spin around all of the fucking time.
The crew’s cryo-sleep is going to last 27 years and I’m absolutely sure I’m gonna feel every second of it.
Wacky Packages are funnier than the space commercials Galaxina’s watching.
At this point in her career Dorothy wanted to be taken seriously as an actress, yet she does not speak until 57 minutes into the film. Just sayin’.
I make jokes about the poor girl and her shit acting, but Dorothy was pretty awesome. If there is a Hell, I can only hope that Paul Snider is being raped in every hole by a ten-cocked demon 24 times a day. Yeah, I said it.
That alien’s voice is the guy who did the trailer to Jaws. Whatshisname…Percy Rodriguez, that’s it.
This old Asian guy’s Confucius jokes are fucking abysmal.
What the fuck is Adam West’s Batmobile doing on this planet?
Another Star Wars cantina rip-off, this time with an antique juke box in the corner.
Such a hilarious menu as well: Skin & Tonic, Scotchman On The Rocks, Thigh Pie, and Fruit Of The Womb being the standouts.
The bartender is a dead-ringer for Spock, but his name is Mr. Spot! Fuck this very much.
Odric from Modric in the house.
Not quite Luke, Leia, and Han – but you take what you can get.
Ah, the good old days once again – when you wanted the set to look like an alien planet, all you had to do was adjust the color saturation.
I think Thor said earlier that humans formed this colony, yet there’s nothing but aliens in the whole pueblo.
Galaxina and Odric have an old west gunslinger duel in the street, and William Sachs did his best to channel his inner Sergio Leone.
Sound effects courtesy of being stolen from the original Battlestar Galactica.
It’s kinda funny that the entire crew had to stay behind due to mass whiplash.
It’s 3034 and people are still spinning vinyl and dancing like it’s the 1950’s.
Galaxina is captured by a group of outlaws whose leader stands in front of a motorcycle praising it as their God, “Ali-David-Son.” Suck me sideways.
Their prayer involves saying, “Vah-room.” I want to kill myself.
The doo-wop music stinger whenever someone says “Blue Star” is kinda funny.
A chase scene done to the William Tell Overture. Well, it is public domain and didn’t cost nuthin’.
OK, let’s wrap this up folks.
At least the actor who played Thor can put on his resume that he got to make out with Dorothy Stratten
Moving on, the coughed up alien rips apart Odric, frees the crew from captivity, and eats the Blue Star. The End. Thank fuck.

Scare Stars: This was lauded as a comedy as it happens, so this entry doesn’t apply here.

Gore Galaxy: Some silly body parts in the “Human Restaurant,” but nothing I would consider gore in the strictest sense.

Heavenly Bodies: Dorothy Stratten, Susan Kiger, and Rhonda Shear are in this movie and not one bit of skin from the lot of them.

Best Transmission: “Asshole, don’t you know that in space no one can hear your siren?” I did apologize to the estate of Dan O’Bannon already yes?

Best Visual: Dorothy Stratten.

Worst Visual: Any scene that had some sort of a special effect in it.

Damage Report: Once upon a time, way back in the early eighties (when Stranger Things really happened young ones) I remember some kid in school had stolen his Dad’s copy of Stratten’s Playmate of the Year issue and brought it to school. Suffice to say I was in deep smit, so it was nice to see her again after all of this time. She really was something else. That being said I don’t want to let the few people who appreciate my black sense of humor down, so I will end this review by saying: Dorothy Stratten was killed by a 12 gauge shotgun blast to the face – and I doubt it hurt as much as this movie did. Remember, I did warn you.

Guess what folks, that’s Schlocktoberfest 2019, and I…am…outta here.