The Schlocktoberfest – Day 31: Halloween Ends

Halloween (Weak)Ends (2022)

Trailer:

Check out our review of Halloween (2018) here!

Check out our review of Halloween Kills here!

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: I can tell you what it’s not about—it’s hardly about Michael Myers or Laurie Strode. I can tell you that much.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

Brad: WURG; Haddonfield’s home for rock! I have the urge to turn this off.
Jim: Halloween 3 font in the opening—good start.
Brian: Halloween 3 had nothing to do with Michael Myers, surely this will be different!
Brad: Why start your third installment of a highly successful and scary franchise with this terrible novelty song?
Brad: I still think it’s fucking bonkers that Haddonfield has not banned Halloween for good. How any parent would allow their kids to wander the neighborhood of Haddonfield is beyond me.
Jim: Corey is from that Hardy Boys show on Hulu that I couldn’t get through the pilot.
Brad: How is this kind of opulent three-story house in suburban Haddonfield?
Brian: This is North Haddonfield, which is 3 times the size of Texas.
Jim: Corey looks like the guy who plays Doctor Wolfula.
Brad: I see more of a cross between Johnny Galecki and Charlie Kirk.
Brian: Not to sound racist but a college-aged male babysitter??
Brad: Yeah leave the candy outside so the kids will help themselves that always works out well.
Jim: Gratuitous John Carpenter shout out with the guys watching “The Thing”.
Brad: They are watching Carpenter’s The Thing. And we’ve come full circle.
Brad: “Michael Myers only kills babysitters. Not kids!” I’m sure for you Jeremy, he’d make an exception.
Brian: And that has also been demonstrably proven false many times over. What a dumbshit.
Brad: Jeez it’s been only 5 minutes and I’m bored.
Brad: “Heineken?! Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!”
Brad: OK. I like how scared and reluctant Corey is when he finds the knife and Jeremy yells for help. Most films will have him race upstairs yelling Jeremy’s name a 100 times.
Jim: Eddie Vedder hasn’t yelled out, “Jeremy” this much.
Brad: Jeremy is an insufferable little bastard.

Brad: Best kill of this new trilogy and it was a freak accident.
Jim: OK, that was the greatest kid death in a horror flick I’ve seen in years.
Brian: Hahaha was the kid falling and splattering on the floor supposed to be that funny?
Jim: James Jude Courtney getting to be in the top-billings is cool and deserving.
Brad: This took 4 writers? Not a good sign.
Jim: The pumpkin gag for the opening credits was pretty weak this time.
Brad: Laurie is narrating? And they’re showing flashbacks to the previous movies including the ’78 original. “Previously on Halloween ….”
Brian: Laurie: “I remember what he did all those years ago when Michael was vastly more entertaining and memorable…”
Jim: Jesus, right into the ’78 film balls first!
Jim: This looks like a YouTube kill count video for the last 2 movies.
Brad: “Michael doesn’t use guns.” Frank knows.
Brian: Guns don’t kill people, boredom does.
Brad: So Laurie is saying that since the killings 4 years ago, Haddonfield has like a plague of guilt and fear and random people are killing themselves? Why exactly?
Jim: Bob Odenkirk’s high school photo gets another cameo next to P.J. Soles.
Jim: At least Judy Greer got a picture cameo.
Brad: So after her attack in 1978, this trilogy had her so paranoid and wracked with fear that she built a panic/trap house for Michael. Now 4 years after he returned and killed her own daughter and son-in-law (as well as a dozen more people in Haddonfield) she’s moved on. Riiiiiight.
Brian: RIGHT???!! This trilogy is friggin’ backwards. In the first one he was completely locked up and she was nuts about it, but now he’s on the loose and no one knows where and it’s time for positive healing?
Jim: Laurie is now writing a memoir entitled, “Stalkers, Saviors and Samhain.” It seems even she knows about fan service.
Brad: “Stalkers, Saviors and Samhain?” It should be Bombs, Babes, & Bullets!
Brian: I think I’m really not going to enjoy this picture.
Brad: It would be funny if the Microsoft paperclip popped up while Laurie’s writing and asks: “Looks like you’re writing a memoir about being a victim of a serial killer, would you like assistance?”
Brad: “Yeah it works. Just kind of shitty.” Pretty much sums up this trilogy.
Jim: Subtle local DJ “Willie The Kid” billboard placement. Might be foreshadowing, might be not. Getting slight Stevie Wayne vibes from The Fog.
Jim: Haddonfield has the ugliest fucking teenagers in all of creation.
Brad: Marching Band bullies?! Are we serious here? That’s what we’re going with?
Jim: Every one of these cunts in this bullying group better get slaughtered.
Brian: And why are they even acting like this? Maybe if like the head bully was the cousin of the little boy that got killed it would sort of make sense.

Jim: I’m not really digging this embrace life, sunny-disposition Laurie.
Brad: That is one hot redhead. The carpet has to match the drapes.
Brad: Why is this doctor pimping out Allyson, his nurse? IS everyone in Haddonfield a psycho?
Brad: “A motorcycle? Teach me how to ride it?” Oooh the sexual innuendo is priceless. Even after that awkward dad joke she told moments ago.
Brian: And Allyson has fallen in love with this weird-looking weirdo for absolutely inexplicable reasons. I have a feeling this movie should be title “Halloween: Absolutely Inexplicable Reasons.”
Brad: THE DEATH CARD!
Brad: I don’t know if I’m uncomfortable or turned on when Laurie just said “Show grief your fucking tits!”
Jim: What’s wrong with both?
Brad: Corey’s mom is a real classic cunt. She’s hounding Corey like he’s 14-years-old and got suspended for smoking in the boys room.
Brad: I really want to pick the brain of the person whose grand idea was to close out the reboot trilogy that has no Michael Myers in the first half of the movie. I want to know what drugs he was on and score some.
Jim: I believe his office is next to the guy who thought that the return of Palpatine would be a cool thing.
Brian: Guys, it’s 2022, it only matters if these movies subvert your expectations, not that they’re incredibly shitty and make zero sense.
Brad: The main marching band bully is getting bullied by his dad for not being smart enough to change a flat tire.
Brad: Hate to break it to Frank but if Laurie isn’t interested in you by now, it’s probably never happening.
Brian: Sex, Frank?

Jim: OK I’ll say it, Where the holy fuck is Ben Tramer?
Brad: “Don’t Fear the Reaper” in muzak form? Buck Dharma must be so proud.
Jim: I guess you can survive getting half of a fluorescent light bulb stuck in your neck.
Brian: And apparently a cut on the neck also confines you to a wheelchair.
Brad: This lady is giving Laurie an unnecessary guilt trip worthy of Mrs. Kintner.
Brian: Why is everyone blaming Laurie for this? Shouldn’t they be blaming that Ron Jeremy Dr. Loomis replacement from the 2018 movie?
Brad: Enough with the Cherry Blossoms Frank!
Jim: This shit DJ needs to stop trying to be a Greek chorus and play “Don’t Fear The Reaper” already.
Brad: They did. In Muzak!
Brian: I ate 34 pairs last time around. Where were you?
Brad: Little red-headed devil!
Brad: When did it become 1998 all of a sudden? Is Loveburger going to perform?
Jim: Nick Castle cameos and gets to say Linda’s iconic line. You can tell there is gonna be fan service o’plenty in this final installment.
Jim: This is a horrible Halloween party, stop dancing white people!
Brian: What, your local dive bar doesn’t put on a Matrix-like rave on Halloween?
Brad: Jeremy’s mom is at the same bar/party chastising Corey for having a good time. He should be home wracked with guilt for what he did to her son! Only she can be at this very noisy bar and party!
Jim: She looks like she’s filming an audition for The Real Housewives of Haddonfield.
Brad: Clearly these Green/McBride Halloween movies are not about Michael Myers. All three are about how Haddonfield reacts about him but the main focus is not about Myers. Sorry folks, the moose outside should’ve told ya.
Brad: We now return to Days of our Halloween Lives. Why is Allyson so upset for one failed date with Corey?
Jim: This is Macdonald Carey, and these are The Days of Our Halloween Lives. I always wanted to say that.
Brad: Not only are these punk bullies in the Marching Band but one has one of the ugliest mullets ever.
Jim: What kind of 21 year old gets bullied by 2 pussy high schoolers?
Brian: Why do some people in this Illinois town have a thick Boston accent?

Brad: It was so bold for the filmmakers to show that much restraint in showing your main antagonist for 40 fucking minutes.
Brad: I think you need a new microwave Ms. Strode.
Jim: Oh for fuck’s sake, Michael lives in a sewer pipe like Pennywise?
Brad: Has Michael been living in the sewers of Haddonfield for 4 years? Guess he survived on eating the rats.
Brian: The C.H.U.D.s are looking after him.
Jim: Michael went a little Matt Foley and now lives in a sewer down by the river!
Brad: So Haddonfield PD didn’t bother to search the sewers for a 60-year-old serial killer? Great police work there Lou.
Brian: How exactly did he get away from the house after the events of the previous picture? The whole town was out for his blood and no one noticed him apparently slowly walking from the house to this sewer?
Jim: Please tell me Michael did not just read Corey’s memories. Did we just witness a Force transference?
Brad: He has a new super power of seeing what naughty deeds his victim has done in their eyes? It’s like The Shining or The Dead Zone.
Jim: Is Corey gonna be possessed by Michael? If so, I’m gonna punch out now. If I wanna watch Ninja 3: The Domination I will.
Brian: Please someone explain to me where Michael got magical powers from. I thought he was just a crazy dude with a knife.
Brad: Wait. Did that crazy bum just imply that Michael is eating people?
Jim: Corey has been through more shit in these 45 minutes than Laurie has in six movies.
Brad: So I see where this film is going in the theme and that’s in terms of what makes someone evil. Michael senses that Corey is evil because he has killed. And then when Michael lets him live, Corey then kills a bum. But the first kill of Corey’s was accidental and the bum was in self-defense so should they really count as kills? I mean Corey is not living a great life nowadays and is going to be driven to madness and I don’t blame him. But is that the same pure evil as Myers’ evil? No way.
Brian: One bad thing happened to Corey that wasn’t his fault and he was cleared of all charges for and then some band geeks pushed him a couple times so that means he has now turned completely evil! Just polish up their Best Original Screenplay Oscars now!
Brad: Is this sub-plot about Allyson not getting the promotion going to go anywhere?
Brad: We now return to Halloween and the City with Laurie Strode as Carrie Bradshaw.
Jim: Laurie looks out her window and sees Corey standing behind a ledge. Ring a bell?
Brad: Did Laurie also sense Corey’s evilness?
Jim: Laurie’s picking up bad vibrations.
Jim: You would have thought Laurie would not have any sort of hedges on her property for this very reason.
Brad: That jump scare was hilarious. Corey was exactly and perfectly behind Laurie in such an unnatural way even for a horror movie.
Jim: The first 3 notes of Laurie’s theme make a nice cameo at the piano.
Brad: That’s quite the come-on Corey. “I killed someone” gets all the ladies all gooey. Is he hoping that Allyson is the type of gal that would keep correspondence with criminals in prison?
Jim: Corey and Allyson’s relationship is odd to say the least.
Brian: This is true love. You think this happens every day?
Brad: “Everything happened so fast.” I was there too Corey, we all watched it, and it wasn’t fast at all.
Jim: When did this turn into gothic Dawson’s Creek?
Brad: Laying the symbolism pretty think David Gordon Green. I wonder what the spiral staircase represents?
Brian: Nothing in your plot has to makes sense as long as there is symbolism no matter how shoehorned and obvious it is.
Brad: Is Corey’s mom blaming Laurie for making Michael disappear? Did I hear that right?
Brad: More EVIL!
Jim: You think Corey is gonna kill the creep deputy for his second victim? The deputy by the way was in the first season of Mindhunter. You’re welcome.
Brad: Corey’s a bad man. A very bad man! Evil! Evil I tell you!

Brad: We are going to have Michael Myers in a Michael Myers film yes? (Read like Ian Malcolm)
Brad: This flick isn’t going to have Corey bringing victims down the sewer for Michael to kill, is he? It’s not going to be like Hellraiser wherein each new kill makes Michael stronger? Or Little Shop of Horrors.
Brad: “Show me how to do it?” Say what now? It’s a knife Corey, you thrust or stab it into something you want to cut. How hard is this to understand?
Brian: Corey: “Ohhhhhhh, blade side outward! Now I see what I was doing wrong…”
Jim: So Corey likes to just hang with Michael now?
Brad: Finally! Michael found a friend!
Jim: Jesus Christ, he’s a disciple.
Jim: What the actual fuck just happened? Michael’s power bar is at 5%, he shakes like a car on bad gas going uphill – and Corey asks him to show him how to kill.
Brad: I think Michael just came. No seriously, Michael shudders like he had an orgasm after killing that guy that Corey was holding.
Brian: Halloween Climaxes
Brad: Wait a minute, didn’t that crazy bum that Corey kill say that he’s seen Michael take people into the sewers and then he asks why Michael didn’t kill Corey. So that means, Michael has been killing some folks for these past 4 years right? Maybe they just didn’t feel the same as they used to.
Jim: Corey and Allyson going upstairs to fuck is shot like the opening scene in the ’78 film. Nice touch yet again.
Brian: Such a fine line between nice touch and hamfisted callback.
Brad: Watching Michael Myers kill someone always gets me in the mood.
Jim: At this point I’m waiting for Corey’s eyes to turn yellow after he rejects the Jedi order.
Brad: Yup. Laurie can see Michael in Corey. It made sense that Loomis could see evil in Michael’s eyes being a psychiatrist but now Laurie and now the Jeremy’s father can see the evil in Corey’s eyes. Seriously?
Brian: Corey Hart wore sunglasses at night for this very reason.
Jim: When did this turn into Haddonfield Red Shoe Diaries?
Jim: The red-headed nurse got her promotion by banging the doctor. Who saw that coming?
Brad: I love how the Doctor and the red headed nurse being randomly killed by Corey just happens out of nowhere. Like why did Corey choose them to kill? Did he kill them for Allyson? This is such a shoe-horned scene.
Brian: How did he know where this doctor lived? How did Michael get there?
Jim: I was really hoping Corey wasn’t gonna start killing people in that scarecrow mask. It probably should have been a clown mask, either way, I think I’m ready for this Halloween to end.
Brad: I get the good vs evil in all of us theme the movie wants to happen but for Corey to go this evil this quickly is a bit much.
Jim: Nurse carrot-crotch gets impaled on the wall a la Bob from ’78 thanks to Michael. Him and Corey are a tag team now. Jesus wept.
Brad: This is now becoming Leon: The Professional with Michael teaching Corey to be a psychopathic killer.
Brad: I guess the one question I have at this point is why would Michael need a side-kick? Why would Michael even allow someone to help him?
Brian: Don’t you get it?? Corey is Michael Myers’ sister!
Jim: Haddonfield’s radio station is getting far too much attention for a plot point and a red herring combined.
Brad: Now we’re in the middle of Romeo and Juliet if it was made and set in 1983.

Jim: Allyson looking at Corey’s palm and saying, “infected” is a deeper observation than she knows.
Jim: OK, Corey even does the patented Michael Myers sit up after he falls. We get it already.
Brad: Corey Cunningham? OK, now I see the Christine connection. But instead of a nice geek falling in love with an evil Plymouth Fury, Corey is in love with Michael Myers.
Jim: Jesus-tit-fucking-Christ what is going on in this movie?
Brian: I just completely despise almost everything about this.
Brad: Ya know my main criticism of the previous two in the Blumhouse trilogy was that it didn’t do or explore too much that was new. So I can’t complain that this one is totally doing everything new. This is interesting to say the least. Not sure if it really works or is done well (watching this again sober may answer this) but it is creative. [with another sober viewing I can honestly say that I was right the first time. Crazy as that is]
Brian: Right, it’s like instead of someone wearing a hat on their head, they wear it on their ass and spew diarrhea all over a wedding cake. It’s good because it’s different!
Jim: What is the deal with Corey’s mother? Who is Corey’s boss and why does he always have a Bud in his hand and give weird line deliveries? Help me Rhonda.
Brad: The only real psychopath in this movie is Corey’s mom.
Jim: An October 31st title card? Why?
Brian: Lest you think this was set on Memorial Day.
Jim: Were the writers purposely trying to get the vibe of a shitty mid-90’s Miramax Halloween movie? Because if so, mission accomplished.
Jim: Corey sleeps on the blood stained floor where the kid he was babysitting fell in the old abandoned house. Enough.
Brad: So this flick basically made Laurie the new Loomis. Ya know I’m kinda cool with that idea.
Jim: OK, Laurie is bad-ass here.
Brad: Yeah, but her ham-fisted exposition about the origins and nature of evil is a little over the top.
Brian: I mean, don’t you get it yet? EEEEEVIIIILLLLLLLLLLLALALALALA!!
Brad: Why is everyone blaming Laurie for everything?
Brad: Is Laurie a Force ghost to Corey now? Or is Corey manifesting her in his mind?
Jim: Corey just walks into the sewer and takes Michael’s mask after a lame shoving match. You hate to see the veteran players get old.
Brad: I think I’m kinda liking this movie. It’s twisted as hell. Corey starts a fight with Michael Meyers, wins, and takes his mask all while insulting him. Finally something new in a Halloween film!
Brian: Yep! That’s what I’ve always dreamed of happening since 1978: Michael bested by a dorky loser! It’s not like in the previous film he defeated an entire army of townsfolk with weapons or anything.
Brad: Again more unnecessary blame given to Laurie. This is nuts! Seriously, Laurie and Michael have zero connection other than she survived his attack 40 years ago. I don’t know why people associate her and him as a yin-&-yang dynamic. Remember, they aren’t brother/sister anymore.
Jim: They were all fucking drinking to her and having puppet shows in the bar not too long ago!
Brad: These marching band punks are still in this and still bullying Corey. Unreal.
Brad: Corey’s boss is watching a Van Damme flick in his junk shop’s office but wasn’t he just at Corey’s house a moment ago with his mom? Is this the same night? I’m confused.
Brian: Every night after dinner he goes back to his closed junkyard to watch Van Damme movies on his small office monitor. You don’t?
Jim: Now Corey is dressed up as Michael. I am not enjoying this.
Brian: Thank god he worked in that junkyard just so he could have that mechanics suit.
Brad: So bold that they made the final installment like Friday the 13th part 5. I hope this joke makes sense. I’m not exactly sober writing this.
Brad: How in the hell is Margo still alive?
Brad: “Michael” just used a gun. He didn’t shoot it but used it to knock that kid out.

Jim: Blow torch to the mouth! Nice! I give props when they are due.
Brian: Literally the only entertaining kill in this movie, but it also rips off the ending of the 2014 Godzilla.
Brad: I’m digging the score. I hear elements of Prince of Darkness.
Brian: And do I detect a hint of cinnamon?
Jim: Another face stomp though—kinda weak.
Jim: Oh Jesus, Corey’s gonna kill him Mom shot the same way as the ’78 opening.
Brad: At least she wasn’t naked and brushing her hair like Judith was when Michael killed her.
Brad: When I watched this for the first time I thought the film was going for the who’s really under the mask, Michael or Corey as we see The Shape kill people. I thought that would be clever. Especially when Corey’s mom bites the dust. Like, is Corey that evil enough to kill his own mother? But then again, have you met Mrs. Cunningham?
Jim: I hope someone sees Corey/Michael and asks, “Aren’t you a little short for a slasher?”
Brad: Now it’s a Spike Lee joint.
Jim: Is Corey dressed as Michael driving around in a tow truck a Halloween 4 shout out?
Brad: Scratch that, now it’s a Quentin Tarantino picture.
Jim: Darcy the Mail Girl! Fuck yes! Greatest cameo in the movie.
Jim: OK, the killing of the DJ with the broken jaw and cutting off his tongue with a pair of scissors was fucking metal.
Brad: Great head smashing death of the radio DJ although it seemed extra vindictive for a Michael to cut off his tongue when he was already dead. Like I just hate your voice and want you to shut the fuck up.
Brian: The aftermath of the DJ’s face kind of reminded me of Chocolate Chip Charlie in The Stuff.

Jim: The DJ’s tongue spinning on the record and knocking the needle off was the icing.
Jim: Old behind the scenes photo of Laurie, Linda, and Annie on Laurie’s kitchen wall. With 30 minutes left in the movie I think we can set the references from stun to kill.
Brad: I’d like to report a suicide? Umm, you don’t need to report that.
Jim: When Laurie puts on her blue shirt, shit is about to get real.
Brad: See? Everyone’s fucking guilt trips made Laurie want to kill herself!
Brian: Evil dies tonight!
Brad: How did Laurie know Corey was coming for her and going to assume she was going to kill herself? How would Corey know she was going to kill herself? This is strange. Did I miss something?
Jim: Yes. Somehow Palpatine returned.
Brian: Corey gives off a VERY strong odor of grease and failure… and EVIL!
Brad: Why does this movie feel 3 hours long?
Brad: Corey never got around to fixing Allyson’s creaky muffler. He was too busy playing Robin to Michael’s Caped Crusader.
Brad: Corey stabbed himself in the neck! Why?! How?! This raises a few questions now. Like, did he do it to try to ruin Allyson and Laurie’s relationship or did he do it to protect Allyson? Or did he just say fuck it, I’m screwed, buh-bye.
Brian: And he said something like, “If I can’t have her, no one can.” But wouldn’t that only make sense if he killed Allyson and not himself? Now anyone except him can have her!
Jim: Why did she pull the knife out of Corey’s neck to make it look like she killed him? I saw that trick a mile away.
Brad: Now Allyson thinks Laurie killed him when she walks in seeing Laurie holding the bloody knife and is screaming at her grandmother. EVIL!
Brad: This is one fucked up Halloween movie. These plots are insane. It’s a love story drama with some slasher kills sprinkled in. Laurie senses evil in Corey and wants him to leave Allyson alone but Allyson is too in love (didn’t she meet him just days ago?).
Jim: The only thing that could ruin it now is a Busta Rhymes cameo.
Brian: Jim you misspelled “save.”
Brad: Corey’s still alive? How many people in this trilogy are going to survive massive neck injuries from a sharp object? Hawkins, that African-American lady from Halloween Kills happened to survive as well as we saw earlier in this flick.
Brian: Right??! He’s just a normal human being with normal human blood flow!
Brad: Did Michael just mercy kill Corey? Like why did he decide to kill him now? Was he pissed off that he failed as a slasher?
Jim: Always two there are, a master and an apprentice. Well, Michael finished off Corey and we’re back to just him and Laurie. Only took an hour and a half.
Brad: And did Corey just try to final jump scare Michael?
Brad: Laurie let Michael kill Corey. EVIL!
Brian: Whelp, I’m glad the entire movie was about that kid.
Brad: Clever that they introduced the faulty microwave earlier in the film only for it to be used again to distract Michael. A sort of Chekov’s Microwave so to speak. See, that’s the foreshadowing that is lacking in horror flicks.
Brad: C’mon Laurie, if that scrawny kid Corey can kick Michael’s ass, surely you can.
Brian: This is just like when my grandparents used to fight.
Brad: The garbage disposal? Seriously? Didn’t we just see this in Last House on the Left? And didn’t they already try this gag in Halloween H20?
Jim: This is one of their best fights for sure. Laurie grabs her knitting needle for another hi-how-are-ya to 1978.
Brad: It’s kinda comical seeing Michael crucified on a kitchen table and having a fridge fall on his legs.
Brad: It’d be hilarious if Laurie’s fridge was filled with Activia Yogurt.

Brad: Having Michael demasked really doesn’t mean anything. It’s not like a plot twist or mystery of who is the killer. And it’s not like Jason Voorhees being demasked because he’s deformed and rotting with each sequel. Michael is just an old man that no one has ever seen his face before.
Jim: You gotta give it up for what looks like half a sweet mullet though.
Brian: Wouldn’t 4+ god damn years of growth have made his hair at least past his shoulders? Oh wait, remember when he was in that raging inferno? No?
Brad: They’re going to kill each other? Didn’t they already try this gag in Halloween Resurrection?
Brad: Look we Halloween fans know of the 40+ history of the franchise and the relationship between Michael and Laurie but this montage of clips from the previous movies is odd and out of sorts.
Brian: Give them a break, it’s the first and only homage they’ve shoehorned into this movie.
Brad: Allyson to the rescue! And she effortlessly breaks Michael’s arm on the kitchen table! My lord!
Jim: She snapped his arm like a stale loaf of bread.
Brad: Oh hey it’s the African-American Sheriff that always wears the cowboy hat. Totally forgot about him. If you had told me that he died in Halloween Kills, I’d probably believe you.
Brian: You mean ALL-American Sheriff.
Brad: The thematic shift from Corey goes from clean-cut all-American boy to raging psychopathic serial killer and now to we must destroy Michael Myers and his evil for good with the whole town involved is a bit disjointed at this point. It’s like we’re watching two movies.
Brian: How did everyone know about this?
Jim: Why are they giving dead Michael the Aunt Edna from National Lampoon’s Vacation?
Jim: Mother of fuck. They drive Michael’s body to the junkyard where they proceed to crowd-surf him into an industrial shredder.
Brian: Uh, would they not have all stepped over the corpses of the four dead marching band geeks at the entrance?
Brad: They’re parading Michael’s corpse to a trash compactor to destroy him for good! And by they’re I mean the whole town! This movie is so ridiculous I’m loving it!

Jim: Laurie shoves Michael into the shredder where he is instantly turned into chum. Well then, no more Halloween movies anymore right?
Brian: He might be ok.
Brad: Loving that the whole town of Haddonfield is a giving Laurie the honor of destroying Michael’s body. Again, making her and him tied together from the perspective of Haddonfield’s citizens is weird.
Brian: Maybe now they’ll stop blaming her for all of the town’s ills for no reason.
Brad: “Evil doesn’t die. It changes shape.” Wink wink. Nod. Nod.
Brad: Maybe there is a chance for you after all Frank.
Jim: Is Laurie a shut in again? She doesn’t seem to happy to receive that basket of fresh veggies.
Brad: That was an awkward silence.
Jim: Laurie survives, Allyson moves away, and we see still shots of the rooms where Laurie fought Michael like the ending of ’78—then we finally get “Don’t Fear The Reaper” and end credits. Great ending, shit movie.
Brian: So Laurie is writing a book about this and hoping that memory of Michael will eventually fade away? That why are you writing a book about it? And yeah, the public has no interest in outrageous serial killer stories whatsoever…
Brad: Yeah, it was a noble effort but maybe stick to comedy David Gordon Green and Danny McBride.
Brad: End credits song (after Blue Oyster Cult) sounds like Tangerine Dream.

Jim’s Final Thoughts: This movie might grow on me in time, and I’m sure it blew some Halloween fans’ minds. But right now, like six vodka gimlets and lobster thermidor – it’s not sitting very well. I had said to Brad a few weeks before this was released that I didn’t think I was gonna like it – just a weird feeling I got from the trailers. I avoided any spoilers (not like they were any really) and I probably shouldn’t have. The last part of a trilogy is not when you experiment with the plot – it’s when you wind things up. This movie could have had some of its elements in Kills, and then have a huge fan service Laurie vs. Michael massive ending in Ends.

Blumhouse has now lost the rights to the Halloween franchise and they have reverted back to Malek Akkad. What he does with the franchise from here on out is going to be probably under the most scrutiny, since this trilogy was pretty much embraced by the Halloween fans. All of the fan sites are saying the same thing: a remake of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. I would be all in on that. As Andor has taught us, not everything has to be about the fucking Skywalker family to kick ass. Maybe Halloween should finally be turned into the anthology series it was briefly considered to become. That way all of the past actors can come back in a new form. Danielle Harris, P.J. Soles, Tom Atkins, Ellie Cornell, Scout Taylor-Compton, Hell, even Tina Kaplan – can all be part of the fun again.

But for now the big question is: in time will Corey be embraced by the fans like Jaime Lloyd from Halloween 4 or will he be constantly shit on like the Man in Black from Halloween 5? As Brad mentioned in the observations, I guess the life lesson from Friday the 13th Part 5 The New Beginning was not learned here: replacement killers do not work with franchise icons. But I’m not gonna end my final thoughts with a bunch of divisiveness, bring us all together Ronnie James!

Jim’s Score: 5 Baskets Of Frank’s Vegetables On The Front Porch (out of 10)

Brian’s Final Thoughts: No exaggeration, the only two parts of this picture I liked were when Corey torched that Boston kid’s mouth and when Michael got ground up. The rest of it makes all other Halloween sequels look like horror masterworks in comparison. I didn’t give a sewer bum’s solid shit about Corey’s story, Allyson’s absolutely asinine love affair with him, Laurie’s backwards trauma recovery, anyone else that died, or anyone else that lived. You don’t get points for trying something new if it’s a miserable failure that’s completely uninteresting and has to be padded with lazy symbolism and homages rammed up your ass every 3 minutes. That’s not a movie, that’s a cheesy fan film with a budget. Maybe someone could take all three movies in this trilogy and edit them together into something semi-decent (like removing most of Allyson and her boyfriend in 2018, the hospital scene in Kills, Corey from Ends, etc.) But as far as Halloween Ends goes, there’s no way in hell or Haddonfield I would ever waste my time watching this again, no matter what holiday it was.

Brian’s Score: 3 Awful Halloween Movies, Congratulations, Guys, You Did It (out of 10)

Brad’s Final Thoughts: Well well well, what a strange turn of events this movie hath wrought. I’m just as shocked that I kinda enjoyed this movie. And I’m not saying “kinda” to pad my actual disdain or enjoyment or to not sound like a misfit but I genuinely sorta, kinda, in-a-weird-way liked it. Mostly because of the strange direction they took this film and franchise. David Gordon Green and company took the wagon that the fans were more or less happy with and careened it off a fucking cliff. Bear in mind, this is not a great movie. And like Jim said you don’t subvert that much expectation and experiment with the third and final installment of a trilogy like this. Especially when the first two were by-the-numbers of what a typical Halloween movie should be. Halloween Ends is a terrible movie in context of the trilogy—no question or doubt about that—but on its own, it’s still awful but I complained after both the 2018 one and Kills that I wanted something different and fresh and I have to give them props for delivering on that. However, I already watched it twice because I wasn’t 100% sure my enjoyment of the flick was based on a false impression (my first time I was inebriated and writing notes so my mind wasn’t completely focused) but even on the second viewing I kinda liked it again. I know, I know it’s fucking crazy.

Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age but I appreciated the thematic elements about evil and having a seemingly good person slowly(!) descend into madness and evil. However, like we’ve been saying, start the trilogy that way, not end it condensed into one film. We compared this to the Star Wars sequel trilogy with its rebooting nature, bringing back old actors and the fan service and its totally misguiding direction of where the story will go and we’re not far off with that comparison. Corey should’ve been introduced in the first film. Brian mentioned recutting this trilogy and that’s not a half-bad idea. In fact, I would say have Corey in the first film and edit his arc and story throughout the rest of Halloween (2018) and Kills. I’d do a re-edit but I have less important things to do unfortunately but I’m sure some Halloween mega-fan will do something.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a ton of shitty decisions and ideas just in Halloween Ends alone and I totally agree with a ton of what Jim and Brian are saying. I more or less feel bad for the huge Halloween fans that this disappointed. I’ve always said that Halloween and Michael Myers wasn’t my favorite slasher icon so when they messed around and experimented with weird new ideas, I guess I felt that the character(s) weren’t sacrosanct enough for me to care. Plus, like Jim said, the franchise is back to Akkad and we all know there will be a ton more Halloween movies coming so I’m not going to complain about Halloween Ends and its very unusual premise and final take. After all, Halloween III: Season of the Witch was a subversion of the norm and it’s still great. It may have taken a generation or so for Halloween III to be the cult classic it is today but still. Only time will tell if Halloween Ends will have the same fate. All I do know is Danny McBride and David Gordon Green should probably just stick to comedy.

Brad’s Score: 7 Cherry Blossoms (out of 10)