The Schlocktoberfest – Day 13: Friday the 13th


Friday the 13th (2009)


Check out my review of Friday the 13th, Part 2 & 6 here!

Check out my review of Friday the 13th, Part 4 here!

Check out our triple review of Friday the 13th, Part 7 here!

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About:
 97 minutes.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • OK Marcus Nispel lets see what dog shit you throw at the screen this time.
  • I actually don’t h a t e this remake/reboot. Although this is only my 3rd time going through it. Let’s see if it’s better than those damn enchiladas.
  • It starts in 1980 with the death off Mrs. Voorhees in a very quick recap of the original’s ending with the final girl beheading Mrs. Voorhees in self-defense. But with a terrible boring soundtrack.
  • I forgot Ben Feldman was in this. If anyone cares.
  • This stoner kid looks familiar. I guess they couldn’t afford Seth Rogen but got a close enough look-alike.
  • Are these 5 kids just wandering around Crystal Lake looking for the old camp? How hard could it be to find it? Look for the yurts!
  • I will give credit to this film for condensing elements from the first 4 original Friday the 13ths. The death of Pamela Voorhees, kids telling the legend of the death and the revenge of Jason. Jason wearing the potato sack as a first mask. Keeping his mom’s head as tribute/memorial. There’s also Jared Padalecki’s character looking for his sister later on. It just leaves out Crispin Glover’s awesome dance.

  • These kids are just so very unlikable and obnoxious. I wouldn’t be friends with any of these kids.
  • Bewbs!
  • “Sister Christian?” Seriously? Why don’t I remember this song being used? [Checks notes] Wait a minute…I think I’m watching the extended version. Maybe that’s the difference.
  • I love how there’s just random marijuana plants growing around a New Jersey lake.
  • That first Jason kill should’ve either been way more graphic and gruesome or more subtle like the early original F13s.
  • Yes, there’s probably “cool shit” in the dilapidated shack you found in the woods.
  • If you’ve been in one dilapidated shack you’ve pretty much seen them all. I don’t know why this guy is so fascinated here.
  • Man, either I am watching a different version then what I last saw or my memory is getting annihilated by years of booze because I do not remember any of this shit.
  • Like, was it a plot point that that girl took a locket from Jason’s shack and that’s one of his motivations to kill every teenager he finds until he gets it back?
  • Like, Jason needs motivation to kill people though. But I admire the effort to give him more reason for revenge. Humanize him so to speak.
  • “I’m not going out there with a boner!” I don’t go anywhere without my boner, I don’t know what this bloke’s issue is. And who still uses the word boner over the age of 12.
  • I wish I could remember if this reboot was supposed to have sequels if it was successful. Part of me thinks yes but another part thinks that it was a one-shot deal. It’s been 13 years since and I know the franchise has had many legal issues holding it up but all we got since regarding Jason was a video game.
  • Burning someone alive is new for Jason. I always thought of him as a sharp and pointy instrument kid of guy.

  • Jason keeps his mom’s severed head in a hole in the bathroom wall above the tub? Kinda odd. No nice memorial for mommy.
  • Why is Jason attacking these kids from underneath by stabbing the floor upwards? He’s a large hulking killer and can easily overpower these idiots on the same floor. I guess it’s more scary not knowing where he’ll strike but it’s weird and has to be more difficult. Maybe he wants a challenge.
  • Nice machete death to the skull. 
  • More douchebag kids. Yippee.
  • I do remember how much I loathed these assholes.
  • Jersey gas stations are not self-service Nispel. Is it that hard to do some Garden State research? I mean, we’re like the only 1 of 2 states that it’s illegal to pump our own gas.
  • This main douchebag, the de facto leader of the dickweeds, is named fucking Trent but more interestingly is that the actor’s name is Travis Van Winkle. That’s even more douchebaggery of a name than Trent.
  • Is that the dame girl from The Crazies? Yup.
  • It’s also weird that both Winchester boys starred in horror remakes in the same year while they took a break from filming Supernatural. Shame both failed miserably and their success never branched over to film.
  • It’s also interesting that they kept the location of Crystal Lake in New Jersey. I don’t think that the originals really made this a point that they took place in Jersey so there is zero reason for making the remake in the same state again. But I commend them for keeping it the same. I have some Jersey pride and having Jason a fellow Jerseyan is awesome.
  • Movie is trying to be all woke with the one African-American friend getting offended that one girl thinks the record label he’s going to start will be rap music. It turns out the joke is, it is a rap label. The bigger joke is that this college student thinks he can start record label.
  • I also forgot Ryan Hansen was in this. If anyone still cares.
  • This may be set in Jersey but it is definitely not Jersey. What idiot substitutes Texas for Jersey!?
  • So Jared Padalecki is searching for his sister, who was “attacked” by Jason six weeks ago. He chatted with the police chief who said they’ve exhausted any leads and clues and basically have given up. But she wasn’t the only kid slaughtered by Jason six weeks ago. 4-5 other kids also “disappeared” and yet this isn’t a much bigger manhunt? Baffling.
  • Fucking Budweiser? Although this game of beer Russian roulette seems kinda fun. Whoever opens up the shaken can out of 6 other cans and gets sprayed in the face loses. 
  • Has there ever been an interesting teen/victim in the F13 series? Maybe Corey Feldman in part 4. Tina the telekinetic girl in part 7? Otherwise they are dull as dishwater and inconsequential.
  • Why are there so many rednecks in New Jersey?
  • This F13 sure has a ‘high’ weed count.

  • Trent is not only a major douche-nozzle but he’s also so anal that he’s afraid that his friends that he invited and drove to his parents’ cabin in the woods, will wreak the place and is constantly cleaning up after them. Dude, fucking relax. He’s like the Felix Unger of Friday the 13th victims.
  • So Jared Padalecki (Clay) makes it over to Trent’s cabin seeking information about his missing sister and Jenna the girlfriend of Trent invites him in. Which is weird since she has a boyfriend. But he is Trent so I don’t blame her. Weirder still is that Clay comes in despite already hating Trent from earlier. I guess getting some pussy trumps looking for your missing sister for a short while.
  • Travis Van Winkle was also in the first Transformers movie and he was also named Trent! Guess Michael Bay really liked this actor’s douchiness.
  • Trent has the perfect face to want to punch. This guy has to be a dickhead in real life.
  • Yes. The motorcycle that took him to the cabin runs Jenna. He didn’t pedal it there.
  • Random redneck is randomly killed. I mean, he lives and works there all year round and Jason just decided to kill him this very day?
  • I can’t tell if this hick is kidding when he is sweet talking this mannequin about the special night they shared a while ago.
  • Again, the Jason kill was a simple light slash across the neck. Boring as shit.
  • In all the junk laying around, Jason finds a hockey mask. Cool. Cool. Cool. Not that him getting the hockey mask from Shelly in part 3 made much more sense but still uncreative. Plus in 2009 that old school hockey goalie mask isn’t even used anymore so it’s weird that one from the late 70s/early 80s is still lying around.
  • Trent just allows his girlfriend to take a stroll in the woods with Clay?
  • They find the Seth Rogen lookalike’s GPS device while hiking around. The police really combed this area well.
  • Topless Waterskiing!
  • There’s no fucking way anyone should drink beer out of a stanky sneaker. And it’s Budweiser to boot!
  • Random arrow to Ryan Hansen’s noggin’ while he is driving a speedboat. Jason’s a crack shot! Just like Robin Hood!
  • The girl who was topless waterskiing tries to take refuge under the dock but Jason doesn’t care for watersports.
  • One of, if not the best, kill in the entire franchise is when Jason stabs the girl in the head and pulls up making her reveal her breasts for a few seconds and then frees the machete making her drop in the water again. Glorious.
  • Man, it got real dark all of sudden!
  • How in the holy hell does Jason’s shack have electricity!? Who’s paying that bill?
  • WHY did Jason keep Clay’s sister alive?! Maybe I don’t want to know actually.
  • Minor nitpick but if Jason was a young lad when his mom died how does he have the knowledge to sharpen knives and set traps? Plus, I’m assuming, like the originals, that he was mentally handicapped.
  • And how is Whitney surviving in Jason’s house of horrors for these past 6 weeks? Is he feeding her?
  • Whitney somehow freed herself and is trying to leave the shack. Wonder if she’ll make it.
  • There’s another chick at Trent’s house, Bree I think, and she’s just randomly dancing provocatively in front of 2 dudes.
  • “…Better shot fucking a penguin…” I’ll take those odds!
  • Hahahaha. Dude tries to do a flaming shot (a drink that the alcohol was on fire) and stupidly burns his lips on the glass. True story I saw this happen in real life many years ago when someone did the same thing. Forgot to let the glass cool down first and severely burnt his bottom lip. Ah the memories.
  • A chair is a family heirloom?
  • It’s been hours and Trent still doesn’t give a shit where his girlfriend is.
  • This one fella (don’t care about the names) is marveled by how nice Trent’s garage is.
  • There’s no reason to make this film over 90 minutes but having this idiot talk to himself in the garage is the wrong reason why.

  • More bewbs!
  • The black friend is so stoned and horny he’s actually getting aroused by an LL Bean catalog. Wish I was joking.
  • “Your tits are fucking just…so…juicy dude. You have perfect nipple placement baby. These will win in a fucking titty contest.” No notes.
  • Maybe Jenna isn’t Trent’s girlfriend because she’s banging on the door to warn them about Jason and she knows they’re fucking and doesn’t seem to mind. So no one was coupled before coming here? You mean, Trent has this many friends? Now that’s what we call suspension of disbelief!
  • Why is Jason taking so fucking long in killing this kid? Jeez. C’mon while we’re young Jay.
  • And the death, again, is lackluster with Jason slowly sticking a screwdriver into his neck until he chokes on his own blood. Tom Savini is rolling around in his grave and the dear man ain’t even dead yet.
  • Awesome sex scene though. You win some, you lose some right?
  • Jason has again, kidnapped Whitney instead of simply killing her. He must be crushing hard on her.
  • Funny thing is she was inches away from reaching the cabin’s window to get help but he snagged her right before she had the chance.
  • The black friend is calling the Asian friend (the one who got screwed in the garage) looking for him and apparently his name was Chewie. Write your own Star Wars gag here.
  • Jason is also a master ax throwing champion as he nails the black dude in the back from yards away as he was running away.
  • And now he’s leaving him outside screaming in pain as bait to get the other kids out. Why doesn’t he just Jason his way into the house like usual and do some good ol’ fashioned slaughtering?
  • Rare for a F13 movie in that there are 4 survivors left and they are all aware of the threat of Jason. I don’t think that’s ever really happened before. Maybe Part 6 with the little kids at camp. But usually he kills slowly and unaware until there are 1 or 2 victims left and they realize there’s a killer stalking the area.
  • Finally I heard the Ki-Ki-Ki-Ma-Ma-Ma sound. Maybe I missed it earlier but it had to be subtle. 

  • Cop car came. Cop knocked on door. Cop gets an arrow through his eye. Cop dead. Cop was useless.
  • Can’t believe Trent survived this long. It’d be funny if he ends up the hero in this.
  • Nope. Impaled by a machete. Again, boring death.
  • I said I didn’t hate this flick and that’s kinda true but it is not a worthy installment in the F13 franchise. I mean, it’s so boring and the kills are mostly mediocre. It’s a F13 reboot, back to its roots, it should be simple and yet Marcus still fucks it up somehow. This should be an easy lay-up. 
  • I really miss Harry Manfredini’s score. This music is just droning noises. 
  • So Jason again kept Whitney chained up in the basement of his shack. He didn’t punish her for escaping earlier? He must REALLY really ‘like’ like her.
  • Sorry guys. Jenna didn’t make it. I know how much you all liked and cared for her. Rest in Power Jenna.
  • Clay may or not also be dead. The film is doing that ol’ you-thought-he-was-dead-but-nope-he-saved-the-day-one-more-time trope.
  • By the time I typed my last sentence, Clay helped Whitney get away from Jason again. 
  • Let’s see if he truly survives this next scene though.
  • The filmmakers really didn’t put that much effort into writing this didn’t they? 
  • Whitney is using the locket to lure Jason away from Clay but it’s not the same as Part 2’s ruse of the final girl pretending to be Jason’s mother. Both are stupid but at least Part 2’s ending was more interesting albeit a Psycho homage.
  • Oh man, now Jason is really pissed off.
  • I don’t even know what this cutting machine is really for. It’s kinda like a large paper shredder but I’m at a loss to what it’s really used for. Anyway, Jason got caught in it and Whitney stabs him in the heart with a machete. 

  • Seriously, that’s Jason’s “death?” Fuck off!
  • Why did Clay just throw Jason’s corpse into the lake? Save it for the police asshole!
  • Yeah, we never got the Jason face reveal like all the other installments. 
  • One last jump scare. Yawwwwnnnnn.

Final Thoughts: While not the worst installment of the decades long franchise it’s definitely in the bottom tier. it really didn’t bring anything new to the table. I complained a lot about the kills being dull or unimaginative and that’s very true. The kills are probably the most important aspect to a Friday the 13th flick and this one decided to make them all humdrum. however, Chelsea’s death under the dock is one of the best but that’s really for the added boogie shot. She only got a machete to the skull which I think happened to 2 other victims in this same movie. I do like the fact that they took elements of the original 4 F13s and condensed them down into one movie. That was a smart enough idea but unfortunately the whole movie isn’t very well made. I keep saying I don’t hate it but it does suck and I wouldn’t really recommend it unless you’re a huge Friday the 13th fan. 

Score: 5 Budweiser Sneaker Shots (out of 10)

Which was Better?: Every Friday the 13th from the 1980 original to Part 7 Part 6 is way worth your time compared to this reboot.



One thought on “The Schlocktoberfest – Day 13: Friday the 13th

  1. Pingback: The Schlocktoberfest: The Recap Ends | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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