Friday the 13th – Never Hike Alone/Never Hike in the Snow

Full Movie: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Camp Crystal Lake is terrorized by You-tube vlogging  hiker Kyle MacLeod. Is Jason prepared for the annoying outdoor sports enthusiasm?!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Almost every one of these fan flicks opens with a disclaimer stating they don’t own the rights and that these films are a love-letter to the Friday the 13th franchise and that there has been no profit made so don’t sue us yada yada. But my question is, some of these flicks aren’t just some crazy fans playing in tents in the woods—some are lavish feature-length productions with actual actors (this one has Thom Mathews returning to the franchise as Tommy Jarvis!), so they are making these movies for free just for fun? Seems like a very expensive and pointless endeavor.
• That scenery looks nothing like Camp Crystal Lake or NJ.
• NY license plates. Close enough I suppose.
• The Catskills? No one puts Jason in a corner!
• So Jason strolled northward from Camp Crystal Lake or Manhattan (depending on what movie this follows) to go annihilate folks in the Catskills? He needed a change of scenery, I don’t blame him. Least it’s not outer space.
• This movie follows Kyle McLeod, a hiker/outdoor sportsman who has a website or video blog and he’s currently shooting an episode in the remote Catskills. I’m perfectly cool with this as it’s a new reason to have people encounter Jason in the woods. And this isn’t really a found-footage movie per se (it’s not framed that way anyhow) but he is constantly filming himself on his hiking adventures and I’m sure the video will come into play at some point.

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• Hope you guys like hiking because we spend a good few minutes watching a montage of Kyle doing just that. A whole lotta hiking.
• There’s a scene now where he’s filming and highlighting one of his sponsor’s products, a hiking shovel and he flubbed his take and kinda having doubts about the tool. So you know it will either save him or fail him agents Jason in the near future.
• While I already stated that I like the video blogger hiker aspect, Kyle’s alone (duh) so this flick will have the lowest kill count of all the movies I’ll watch this month. (Looking at imdb there’s a total of 4 other people plus Jason) I’m willing to bet that 1 or 2 of those 4 are police or paramedics cleaning up the mess.
• Kyle is just barely annoying enough for me to wish him dead. Just barely.
• Kyle finds an old hiking trail and decides to follow it. But after almost a full day of hiking it he comes across a no trespassing sign. He says that he read that this area of the lake was donated to a wild-life preserve and that going back would waste another day. How come he didn’t know there was a prohibited area when he knew about the donated land? Anyway, Jason is seen lurking and watching him unbeknownst to Kyle and Kyle desires to trespass into the area anyway.

Have you ever had the feeling, like you’re being watched?

• Kyle uncovers a huge Camp Crystal Lake sign. So they changed the location of Wessex County from southern NJ for northern New York for some unknown reason. 
• I must admit this flick looks great. The production value is top-notch and the editing and music are well done. It looks and feels like a real movie made by professionals and not some loonies filming on their phones.
• And the attention to detail is something to admire. As Kyle is rummaging around one of the cabins there’s an old stereo box that looks like it’s over 30 years old as well as old weathered camp game books and the Summer Sex Issue of Playboy from July 1980! (

You just know Jason wanked his crank countless times to that magazine.

• Dead opossum jump scare. I nearly pissed myself!
• Obligatory legend of Jason and his death and his mother’s killing spree story time. DRINK!
• It would be hilarious if Kyle opened up one of the cabins and found like 5 hobos squatting.
• In keeping with canon, Kyle is exploring Camp Crystal Lake and finding police forensic tags and markers indicating the murders for previous Friday films (mostly the first one).
• I’m expecting Jason to pop up in the background while Kyle is taping his tour of the camp. Like while Kyle is focused on one thing and off in the distance we see Jason slowly come out from behind a tree but this film ain’t really doing that. Which is a wasted opportunity.
• I think Kyle stumbled upon the corpse head of Mrs. Voorhees and while he’s in a state of shock, Jason grabs Kyle and throws him out of the second-story window!
• Kyle survives the fall and Jason attacks him but miraculously, Kyle is holding his own and actually landing some punches.
• I think this flick is avoiding all (or most) of the sequels because Jason has the original hockey mask (or rather, one that has no battle damage) and his head is not rotting like the later sequels when he was mostly a zombie.
• The foley artist went a little over the top since every step Jason takes sound like a herd of elephants is trampling on a steel plated bridge.

Runners on first and second and now the wind-up and the pitch…

• Kyle badly cuts his leg with a branch running away but he made it back to the no trespassing sign from earlier. I’m guessing the film will establish that Jason can’t cross this line since they’re making the sign a point.
• Yup. Jason has boundaries apparently. Either that or there’s an invisible fence for Jason.
• He’s also very rusty with his killing skills.
• Blair Witch video moment of Kyle recording a goodbye video if anyone finds it.
• Kyle has no choice but to go back to the camp to treat his leg before it gets infected. I like the stakes this movie is presenting us and that the actions of Kyle all make sense.
• However, he’s rather spritely for someone with a large laceration on his leg. But I can overlook that.
• Hahaha! Jason throws Kyle down on a table and seemingly knocks Kyle out. Jason goes to get his machete to finish Kyle off and Jason is shocked that Kyle is gone. Kyle pulled a Jason and disappeared on him!
• Now Kyle is battling Jason with that aforementioned hiking shovel. It is a handy shovel after all.
• Kyle is bested, loses the shovel and gets a minor cut on his arm before grabbing a nearby rock and knocking Jason’s mask off his face.
• Finally a great Jason face reveal. And even though it’s mostly shrouded by shadow it looks great. One of the more stylish and grotesque face reveals.

• In a F13 first, both Kyle and Jason strike each other with weapons, Jason stabs Kyle with a machete in the gut and Kyle impales Jason’s shoulder area with an ax. They both fall down BUT Kyle realizes that the machete impaled his hiking guide book making his stab wound less severe.
• Where’s Kyle’s phone? Since the flick started he never showed he had a cell phone. Just a small video camera. Seems odd.
• Kyle looks back and notices that Jason takes the ax out of his shoulder and Kyle says “Fuck this!” And runs away.  It’s like this movie is too smart for a common F13 flick.
• Hold on, I spoke too soon. The next day and Kyle wakes up and hears a noise in the woods but Jason leaps out of the lake and crushes Kyles skull like a casaba melon.
• Great kill but of course it’s only a nightmare and Kyle is in an ambulance.
• The male EMT tells Kyle, while he’s reading the same 1980 Playboy Kyle found in the campsite, that he should never hike alone and then exclaims, “Oh goddamn, look at the beard on that vagina!” I’m loving this flick!
• The only way this flick could be more awesome if Jason appear on the road and makes the ambulance crash.
• Meh, Kyle hallucinates that Jason is in the ambulance and starts to freak out. Not the same.
• Although if it was revealed that some poisoned berries Kyle ate accidentally while hiking made him hallucinate everything that would be interesting.
• And did we really need two dreams/hallucination scenes? Especially right after another. A bit much.
• Tommy Jarvis played by Thom Mathews is the ambulance driver. Nice cameo. And his name plate says Tommy Jarvis so it’s not just an actor cameo.

Jason belongs in Hell and I’m gonna see to it that he gets there. But first we have to take this guy to General Hospital.

• Cunningham Road! DRINK!
• Hahahaha! As Tommy is calling in to headquarters he realizes Jason is approaching and exclaims, “Son of a Bitch, I knew it!” And starts to fight Jason off screen while the male EMT goes to help and the female EMT is losing her shit in the ambulance with Kyle! This is great!
• I thought since Jason is now trying to kill Kyle that he killed the EMTs and Tommy but before Jason can kill Kyle, Tommy is back in the drivers’ seat and yells to Jason, “Hey Maggothead remember me asshole, hang on kid!” and then drives off leaving Jason alone on the road. Brilliant ending!
• Kill Count: 2 EMTs just trying to do their job.
• NOW this is not only how you make a fan-made flick but this is how you make a proper legacy sequel for a tired old franchise. Holy spitballs! And this was made for fucking free!
• Apparently there’s a sequel premiering this Friday the 13th so look for my review of that before the end of the month!

Kill Count: 2 (3 if you count Kyle’s head getting crushed in a dream sequence)

T&A Count: 0

Best Kill: Jason using Kyle’s head a stress ball was the only “kill” we actually see.

Final Thoughts: This is (so far) the best looking and produced of the F13 fan-made flicks I’ve watched.  Like I said, it was incredibly entertaining, well thought out and unique in its approach. I really enjoyed it and totally recommend it. And this is despite the fact that it had virtually no kills and the 2 measly kills it did have were off screen. However, the movie as a whole was so well done that it doesn’t matter. 

Score: 9 Vagina Beards (out of 10)

Crazy Ralph’s Opinion: