Schlocktoberfest IX – Day 6: Jason X

 

Schlocktoberfest-9_Logo-FINAL

Jason X (2002 – Ignore what the trailer says, it didn’t hit NY and L.A. until 4/02)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Our favorite slasher Jason Voorhees gets a futuristic upgrade, only to find out his model was obsolete by the next Apple event.

Here are some of my observations during playback:

  • I always enjoyed that New Line Cinema intro logo with the symphony playing.
  • Said it before, will say it again: Kane Hodder fucking rules.
  • This is the most intense opening title sequence for a F13 movie yet.
  • I think that this is easily the most we’ve ever seen Jason’s eyes so clear.
  • However, this is the worst look for Jason so far in the franchise. It looks very rushed and he was just covered in chains.
  • David Cronenberg has a cameo! Right on.
  • Between Jason and Michael, has a prisoner transfer ever fucking worked out?
  • One of the guards actually has one of those dog lasso things the cops use – yeah that’s a good weapon of choice against Voorhees.
  • Kirzinger and Mears were great Jasons – but nothing will ever top Hodder’s deep breath and shoulder rise move.
  • Since Jason killed David Cronenberg, the hottie in the pant suit has got to be next.
  • Nope, she gets cryo-frozen along with Jason. All righty.
  • Why is everyone in this exploration party dressed like The Sandman from the 1930’s?
  • Fucking hockey was outlawed in 2024? That gives the NY Rangers only 5 more years to get their shit together and win a cup with Henrik in goal. Fuck the future.
  • Ha ha! Even in cryo-stasis Jason manages to cut off the dude’s arm when his body falls out of the freeze chamber. How can you not love this goddamn franchise?
  • From the looks of things outside, it seems Jason and the pant suit hottie were stored on Arrakis.
  • Nah, these guys don’t look like the crew of the Nostromo at all.

    I thought the protocol was three to an escape pod, what the fuck?

  • Did the filmmakers purposely make the cockpit of this spaceship look like a hockey mask?
  • 445 years in the future there will still be annoying stoner douchebags.
  • OK, Janessa is definitely in the running for Miss Schlock 9 Universe this year. Yummy.
  • With all of the advances in science and technology the future has to bring, white people still think they look good in dreadlocks. We’re doomed.
  • Jason has a small brain? That doesn’t make sense, he’s executed some pretty crafty kills in his day.
  • This movie was made in 2001, takes place in 2010 then fast forwards to 2455, and Facetime still looks like utter shit.
  • Do androids dream of metal nipples that don’t fall off of their breasts?
  • Jason awakes and sits up just as a couple starts to have sex, talk about days of future past.
  • The infamous liquid nitrogen head bath and face slam, oh yase.
  • Kane, pull her shirt up higher dammit!
  • Earth 1 is dead, makes sense – we’re pretty close to it now.
  • Professor Lowe talking to Rowan does not at all remind you of Burke talking to Ripley.
  • Janessa has an iPad 9 years before and 435 years after they were invented, and you still can’t run 2 games while trying to send an email.
  • If KM-14 stabs a knife really fast between someone’s fingers, I’m punching out of this.
  • Every sci-fi flick has to have some cool asshole slide down the railings of some stairs.
  • Even in the future, Jason kills people post-coitus. There is such a thing as a universal standard.
  • The actor playing Sgt. Brodski better be on tap to play the new Candyman.
  • These grunts look like they’re trying to re-enact Aliens using the costumes from 1975’s Rollerball.
  • Jason dispatches two guys in the Holodeck with what have to be the most boring kills in the franchise.
  • Professor Lowe defending his motives for keeping Jason alive is such an Aliens rip-off that Paul Reiser should be getting residuals.

    Adrienne’s Noxzema addiction resulted in the most brutal of interventions.

  • Here come this movie’s version of the Space Marines, however this time it is not a bug hunt.
  • This far into the future and the engineer is wearing a steampunk monocle?
  • The marine getting impaled on that giant screw and slowly sliding down it was kinda cool.
  • This tough Latina grunt is supposed to be Vasquez right?
  • Another grunt gets cut in half by Jason, but we only get to see him crawl a few inches. The gore in this is a bummer man.
  • That hyperdrive didn’t look that hyper.
  • Christ, Jason hacked the pilot of the ship into brisket.
  • The ship crashes into the space station completely destroying it. Great shot kid, that was one in a million!
  • Why did the costume department dress Janessa in a sexy open top, with sailor pants and Don Martin shoes? Not Doc Martin’s, Don Martin. The artist from MAD magazine? Ah forget it.
  • Tsunaron thinks now is the time to start making out with his android?
  • We have now entered the part of every F13 movie called, “We Need To Stretch This Out To 90 Minutes.”
  • And the stupid hysterical bitch blows the escape shuttle and herself the fuck up.
  • A barrage of futuristic bullets can’t knock Jason down, but the Karate Android Kid thinks a few kicks will.
  • Amidst a deluge of horrible one-liners, KM manages to blow off Jason’s arm, leg, and head. And they say you shouldn’t always upgrade your hardware.
  • KM gets her head punched off by Jason. Hooray.
  • Janessa’s dying declaration of, “This sucks on so many levels” as she herself is sucked out through the hull breach is a poetic, yet unsatisfying end to her character arc.
  • Oh, if I had a nickel for every time the escape hatch door got jammed…
  • It took an hour and twenty three fucking minutes to finally get some F13 boobage. That is a sin by this franchise’s standards.

    This kill gave me the “Shivers.” Get it? No? A’ight then.

  • This whole Holodeck scene where Jason is back in the eighties is the martini shot of this film, and could easily end here if I have a say.
  • Bring back the sleeping bag kill by all means!
  • Brodski grabs Jason and sacrifices himself to burn them both up re-entering the atmosphere of Earth 2. I don’t think the old boy will be getting up this time.
  • Of course there’s a young couple watching the sky thinking that Jason and Brodski are a shooting star. Jason’s mask land in a lake and the couple decide to go check it out. Here’s to a future that still has lame F13 endings.
  • I’m posting that New Line Cinema symphony opening I mentioned earlier here, since it wouldn’t fit where it belonged because of the formatting next to the movie poster:

 

Scare Stars: Ha! Not even close. Although after finding out through some background info that it is one of the most successful entries in the series came as a bit of a shock, also counting up all of the blatant rip-offs/homages from the Alien franchise is a little scary.

Gore Galaxy: Again after reading some background info, this movie required only a few seconds of cuts to achieve an R rating, which is unheard of in this franchise. That being said, it is rather obvious that there wasn’t too much to begin with – the best kills were computer simulations.

Heavenly Bodies: The 2 camping girls in the Holodeck simulation let the puppies breathe, and that is about it.

Best Transmission:  “Hey, you’re lucky you weren’t alive during the Microsoft conflict. We were beating each other with our own severed limbs.” Over 400 years in the future people will still be driven homicidal with rage dealing with anything Windows-based.

Best Visual: Just like the scene from part 7, the sleeping bag kill reigns supreme once again. This time however, the girls in the sleeping bags are making funny “ouch” sounds when Jason slams them together – which brings this version of the kill right to the gold medal podium.

Worst Visual: Watching KM get a bunch of guns, dress up like Rob Halford circa 1986, and try to karate kick Jason into submission.

Damage Report: This movie definitively ends it for Jason since if you think about it; it takes place sorta kinda after Freddy Vs. Jason. Chronologically maybe not, but story wise yes – again, if you think about it. All that’s left after this is the 2009 reboot (which I dug) and now we’re actually in a frozen state as far as this franchise goes thanks to copyright lawsuits that are so intense; even the F13 video game can’t get updated. I have no idea when we’ll see Jason again, but I hope the franchise can get back on its feet someday soon. Until then, we’ll always have outer space.

Kobayashi Maru Score:

 

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