Apollo 18 (2011)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Coordinates: Have you ever wondered if there was a secret Apollo mission that was never revealed because of moon crabs? No you have not.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• We landed on the moon?? When the fuck did that happen???
• I’ve only seen Apollo 13 so I have no idea what happened in the 5 movies in between.
• So this is a found footage movie. I thought we were done with that genre, legally.
• This is one of those movies set in the ‘70s that doesn’t remotely feel like it’s set in the ‘70s. I think the big problem here is that the footage is old film stock-looking but it sounds like it’s in Dolby 6.9.
• So this is “unseen footage” of a bunch of whiteys going to the moon on a secret Apollo mission that nobody knew about. The launch is covered by the lie that the rocket is “Unmanned Payload,” which is one of the finest porns ever made.
• I’m pretty sure my iPhone does this old footage filter.
• So far this is on par with Moontrap [coming soon!] but without the great cast or nanometer of fun.
• Ok, we get how lunar landings work for 50 years now, we could probably skip this part and just start with them on the moon. Like we could have skipped First Man except for the very last 30 seconds.
• I still can’t believe these guys are doing this when a rat done bit my sister Nell.
• The idea of any menacing alien on the moon is just dumb. It’s just a bid dead dusty rock. Like my genitals.
• These astronauts probably gave their names earlier but fuck if I caught them, and there’s zero backstory, so I’m really invested in their safety.
• Why the fuck would there be multiple camera angles. They would have one camera. And it certainly wouldn’t be getting B-roll and second unit footage.
• This is the worst thing to happen to an Apollo since Rocky IV.

• Again, the footage just looks too clean for the ‘70s. Either go all the way with this look or just shoot a straight movie. According to IMDb: This film was shot using old camera lenses from the 70s. I guess it takes more than that. I could eat a can of sauerkraut from the ’70s, that doesn’t mean it will work out so well. Also: The script was constantly rewritten during the shooting of the picture. You don’t say… Also: NASA’s liaison for multimedia, Bert Ulrich, has officially stated that “Apollo 18 is not a documentary … the film is a work of fiction.” Jesus H. Christ… Also: Not screened in advance for critics. You don’t say…
• Can’t even tell these guys apart, they all look exactly the same.
• You know what’s more interesting than this movie? Staring up at a new moon for 90 minutes.
• So they find an old Russian LEM and it seems like there was wrongdoing. So it’s The Thing. Fuck off.
• My god damn god, this makes me long for the days of Neowolf.
• Some of these Schlocktoberfest movies I know I’m going to watch with Brad because we’ll have more fun seeing them together, and some I know are going to be boring turds and I know it’s best to just watch them alone. This is one of those. Brad would 100% be nodded off right now, and better for it. I don’t know why I’m not.
• Why would the Russians have a moon mission but not tell the world about it? That’s absolutely antithetical to what was going on back then.
• “What are we doing up here? What are we REALLY doing?” GREAT FUCKING QUESTION.
• “I don’t know if it’s my mind playing tricks on me.” This year Halloween fell on a weekend. Me and Geto Boys were trick or treatin’. 

• OH NO THE FLAG’S GONE.
• If there’s a scene where one of the astronauts is laying on the ground in front of the camera and something drags him off into the background I’m officially quitting Schlocktoberfest for good and I wish Brad and Jim the best of luck.
• Is this supposed to be suspenseful in any way? Because it’s about as interesting as the toenail on the toe next to my pinky toe on my left foot, whatever you call that toe. Ring toe? That sounds like an STD.
• I never thought an astronaut movie could get more dull than First Man, yet here we are.
• There some spider alien thing in this guy’s space helmet, but I don’t care. His buddy is calling his name over and over but I still don’t know what his name is.
• I haven’t been less invested in anything since my daughter’s college fund.
• I’d like to blow up the moon right now if I could for being involved in this movie. But I’ll wait until it’s a full moon, to make sure I get it all.

• I wish I was watching this on YouTube so I could turn on the 2x speed option.
• I could write more about the plot, but I also can’t. And you wouldn’t care anyway.
• Is it true that somewhere up there still floating around is the corpse of Laika the space dog cosmonaut? I just looked it up, and it turns out after 5 months the capsule disintegrated on re-entry, but she was long passed. Looking that up and being a little sad about that was way more interesting than any single thing that happens in Apollo 18. Maybe if this movie starred dogs you would care about the characters.
• Ok so the alien spider bite guy is dying of a space infection and it’s so dull I’m thinking fondly about the crown I’m getting replaced next month. Tooth, not like royalty.
• So somebody but this movie together in editing and was like, “Yeahhhh, we fuckin’ got it!” There’s just no way that’s possible.
• Speaking of things that aren’t possible, there’s still 30 minutes left.
• Oh shit, there’s still 27 minutes left.
• They should’ve just shown most of Apollo 13 but it turns out there’s an alien destroying the outside of the ship like that Twilight Zone episode but a space capsule instead of an airplane. Shit, that’s an amazing idea. I’m going to write a spec script for Jordan Peele.

• So they tried to go somewhere in their rover, I don’t know where the fuck they think they were going, and they crashed it, which doesn’t seem possible, unless it was the aliens, but I don’t care about that.
• Yep, one of the astronauts got dragged away. It was nice entertaining you all these years. Goodbye, and goodnight.
• Hey, I’m back, I couldn’t stay away from you. Anyway, the other white astronaut goes back to the Russian LEM and NASA tells him they can’t take the risk of bringing him home. Just like how they wouldn’t let me come back to the office because I was lousy with pubic lice.
• WHY. THE. FUCK. WOULD. THIS. FUCKING. GUY. STILL BE. FILMING. HIMSELF.
• Oh hey, the main astronaut guy is named Ben! Better late than never. Anyway, he was infected with moon crabs and the Russian LEM crashed into the NASA capsule, I think. Nobody cares.
• Oh my god all the lunar rock samples ever are actually moon crabs. FUCK IT.
• OH, executive producers Bob and Harvey Weinstein. GOODNIGHT FOLKS.

Scare Stars: I’ve long held a theory mostly brought about by Schlocktoberfest that you cannot be scared when your mind is completely numb from confusion and boredom.

Gore Galaxy: It’s more like moon mummies? Was the astronaut who was infected gory? Who am I talking to?

Nudity Nebula: You expect a devil’s triangle between the crewmen but it never happens.

Space Vacuum: Yeah I mean, it’s all in space and on the moon, but a lot of it is shot in the LEM, which looks like a metal storage shed and likely was.

Best Transmission: “Y’know I just about had my fill, of Whitey on the moon; I think I’ll send these doctor bills, airmail special; to Whitey on the moon.”

Best Visual: This scene was weird and came out of nowhere, and I don’t think these two guys were in the movie before now, but it was way more interesting than anything else that happened.

Worst Visual: Like I said, they went for a ’70s look and feel but failed pretty miserably. Not once does it really seem like you’re watching sound found film from 40+ years ago. It seems like you’re watching a cheap film some jabronies put a filter on with their home computer.

Universally: My old buddy Smash once said that space movies are no good unless there are aliens. Normally I like NASA movies, and this movie has both, and it’s the most boring pile of moon shit this dark side of my ass. I was driving the other day and thinking about the Schlocktoberfest movies I had already watch and I knew I had watched five up to that point but could only name four and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what the fifth one was until I got home and looked up my notes on my phone. It was Apollo 18. And I think that sums it up pretty perfectly. 

Analysis: 0.5 Cases of Moon Crabs (out of 10)