The Hitcher (2007)

Read my review of the original here.

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A cowboy tries to break the record for most horses tied to a post within an hour.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• According to the U.S. Department of Transportation an estimated 42,000 people are killed on highways each year. These are their stories.
• That CG rabbit getting run over looked terrible. Trust me, I know what a smushed rabbit looks like. Stay out of my business!
• Wait was this filmed in 2007 or 1991? This is why we at HTTHV rarely watch anything from this century.
• I thought these two (Grace and Jim) were brother and sister but their being all over each other says differently. Or maybe not, this is set in the south, after all.
• So far I’m thinking whatever horrors befall these two will be richly deserved.
• Wait, there’s a NEW Mexico???
• They almost hit the titular Hitcherman in the rain. Then their car won’t start because the engine’s flooded? I’m no carologist, but would that happen just from slamming on the brakes?
• They ditch the Hitch, which is the move of a witch. I’m very tired, and this is only my second entry.
• But they meet up again at a gas station run by a boy from deepest inbred Arkansas. Maybe he was exiled to New Mexico because he kept getting his cousins pregnant.
• Ok so they end up taking Hitcher (Sean Bean) anyway and surprisingly he acts a little inappropriately in the car, like when your uncle would give you a ride to the landfill to find mannequin boobies.
• I’m afraid there’s not going to be a ton to write about here. He’s going to terrorize these two for a while. I think I can skip to the end, right?
• They kick his ass out of the car but he has Grace’s phone. Free calls! I guess it all worked out for him.
• Why wouldn’t they just drive back home at this point.
• Oh, she literally just said, “I just want to go home.” But he still wants to go to their spring break party destination at Lake Have-a-sue. What a dumbshit. And she immediately agrees. We’re supposed to like these two?
• I’ve never seen these two in anything else, and based on their acting ability it’s easy to see why.
• Man the music in this movie is atrocious. It’s like they just stole a burned CD called “Mediocre ’90s” and hit shuffle.
• Just like in the original, Hitcher is in the back of a family car, and they try to warn them but the family is too dumb? Then they drive off the side of a cliff but the family doesn’t stop to help even though they definitely would’ve seen that. Ugh…

• How is this worse than a movie with C. Thomas Howell in it?
• Hitcher kills that family but it’s ok because they were really religious, which seems to be what the movie is trying to say or something.
• They run afoul of Hitcher, once again, now in a truck. Hitcher knows where everyone is at all times, like he’s a metal detector and they’re the Tin Man’s illegitimate children.
• So Grace runs into a diner covered in blood and the waitress she screams at to call the police acts like she just asked her if they have decaf.
• So like in the original, the police come and arrest these two, suspicious that they killed this family. But why in the sweet hitching hell would you murder a family then run inside a diner and scream at someone to call the police?
• I still despise wrongfully accused plots, and this is somehow even more irritating to me than the original.
• And a bloody Hitcher is now in the police station, seen by no one.
• Oh I guess because he killed everyone. Armed cops. Because he’s superhuman, I suppose.
• And the kids just leave. Exciting.
• They narrowly avoid being crushed by the truck, because Hitcher knows their exact whereabouts at all times, like he’s early ’80s Stephen King and they’re made out of cocaine.
• I don’t want to type this out, it’s all wrongfully accused misunderstand Hitcher homing missile bullshit and I just completely hate it. It’s everything I don’t like in a movie.
• Also, since Jennifer Jason Leigh was with C. Thomas Howell at this point and the original, there’s really nothing new or interesting going on here at all. Why did they remake this? It couldn’t have been for money because this wouldn’t have drawn flies to the theater if the seats were covered in shit.
• Well Hitcher is now driving The Bandit’s Trans-Am, so at least we have that going for us.
• HOWEVER, they are inexplicably playing “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails. This is maybe the absolute worst soundtrack pairing I’ve ever seen. It makes no sense whatsoever for this scene. And it probably wasn’t cheap! It should’ve been “East Bound and Down” by Jerry Reed.

• Anyway, Hitcher kills all the cops that were after the kids. Who cares.
• I thought they were going to have a sex scene in this seedy motel which would have really sealed the god damn deal on this nonsense, but thankfully they did not. And I’ve never said that about a sex scene in my life. Shows you where we’re at here.
• Well Jim goes off for help, leaving Grace all alone, for some reason, and of course Hitcher sneaks into her room, because he has psychic powers and knows where they are at all times, like he’s Mama Cass and they’re human ham sandwiches.  
• Oh please I hope this is the same truck stop scene as the original…
• It is! With a gender reversal! Yes! That also should’ve happened in the original though.
• NICE! They actually showed Jim being pulled in half! Do it again!

• Anyway just like they original they arrest Hitcher and transport him and all hell breaks loose and Grace survives a van explosion and shoots him with a shotgun.
• The bullet marks left on the back of John Ryder’s bullet-proof vest after he is shot form an ‘H’ for Hitcher. Oh fuck off.

Final Thoughts: The difference between this and the original is that there are two dipshits instead of just one C. Thomas Howell. Advantage: remake. I like Sean Bean but Hitcher should come off like a real psycho, and he’s just kind of menacing at best. Unless you’re taking a road trip that circumnavigates the globe and this is the only movie your mobile device will play, no need to bother.

Score: 2 Thumbs Up Your Tailpipe (out of 10)

Which Was Better?: I would have to go with the original, if only for Rutger Hauer.