What’s This About: Rose, a friendly St. Bernard, contracts rabies and conducts a reign of terror on a small American town.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- A mopedded woman narrowly misses driving into a dog and two cars.
- An offscreen voice says, “Why do we keep remaking old trash?” THANK YOU!!!!
- I think this designer guy is inspired by Karl Lagerfeld, the man who invented lager beer.
- I’m going to say this right off the bat, why in the hellfires of Canada is this movie an hour and 47 minutes long? No horror movie should be more than 53 minutes, even the good ones.
- So far the lead actress who plays Rose is no Marilyn Chambers. But then again, you can say that about almost anyone.
- Rose has to declare she’s vegan and doesn’t like eating anything that’s dead. I wonder if that will be ironic later??!??!!!??!!?!?!!?!??!??!???!???????!!!!!!!????!!!!??!.
- But wait, aren’t the plants dead in plant-based foods?
- I feel like I could skip the first 25 minutes of this and not miss anything substantial whatsoever. Rose works in fashion and she’s a vegan dork who gets pushed around. I am sure she will turn that around at some point. I will now skip to that point.
- Rose overhears some unattractive models in the restroom talking shit about her family all dying in a car accident. That’s exactly the conversations women have in restrooms, I assume.
- Haha so Rose runs off and gets into an actual moped accident this time. This chick just does not have good luck with motor vehicles. Good thing she chose to use the safest mode of transportation: the moped.
- In the original Rose’s bike accident happens by a weird plastic surgery building called the Keloid Clinic, where shenanigans ensue, but this time she’s at a perfectly normal hospital, attended to by Dr. Keloid. Which is still funny to me.
- Dr. Keloid says, “You’ll be able to live a perfectly normal life with a shortened organ.” Good news for me!
- Half of Rose’s mouth is gone. Dr. Keloid hands her a mirror, then tells her it’s best to avoid mirrors. He’s a bad doctor.
- Rose’s friend Chelsea tells her Rose has lost her fashion industry job because it’s very competitive Cold, but fair.
- Rose moves in with Chelsea, who still seems like an asshole despite this act of kindness.
- I like that in Rose’s room there are about 72 mirrors.
- She takes off he bandages to look at her grotesque face again, but we just saw this in the hospital. No wonder this movie is so long.
- It’s interesting that Rose’s mouth got ripped away but her teeth are perfectly intact.
- Rose finds a clinic (Burroughs, not Keloid) that gives her a lecture about U.S. health care and stem cell treatments. It’s almost as bad as the environmental message of Birdemic. It doesn’t seem worth going through that torture to fix her ruined face.
- The surgeon dresses up like the Crimson Guard from Return of the Jedi for some reason. How would flowing robes be helpful during surgery?
- Well I guess since all he does is put a wad of jelly on her face it doesn’t really matter.
- Rose’s face is instantly fixed. In fact, it’s even better thank before. She also has full eye makeup on for some reason. Maybe that was part of the treatment.
- But you know what else she has? THE HUNGER!
- Is Rose supposed to be an actual vampire in this? No armpit worm monster? Lame.
- Oh the skin graft also fixed her eyesight. And gave her a nose job?
- Even though Rose is basically unrecognizable from the way she looked before, her old fashion boss instantly recognizes her in passing while wearing sunglasses, and gives her her job back just because she straightened her hair and her nose no longer has a bump in it.
- Life’s really good now that she’s pretty, she can get into the most exclusive nightclubs for teens.
- She makes out with some dude and eviscerates him with her Wolverine fingernails. I’m still not sure what she’s after.
- Rose previously made out and gave a bloody mouth to a guy at the clinic who was an actor, and now we’re treated to a 400-minute scene of him being really angry on set.
- Then he bites a guy’s face. I guess Rose is a vampire who makes zombies. It’s weird that this premise made a lot more sense in the original.
- Rose takes some raw steaks out of a package that are completely saturated in blood. What shitty butcher does she go to? Also, I’ve never seen a horror movie where someone eats raw meat before. How original.
- Oh look it’s wrestling douchebag CM Punk playing a douchebag. I guess Hulk Hogan was busy?
- Has anyone in real life in the past 30 years called a woman “toots”?
- Now the guy the actor bit is biting others. Ok, we get it.
- Rose’s doctor says her meds are causing her to dream and hallucinate these things, and that might mean something if we hadn’t seen the bitten people already being affected by this.
- Apparently in the fashion world you can draw whatever shitty dress you want and receive praise.
- I’m as bored as these people are rabid.
- Oh ok her butthole armpit worm is in her mouth. Lame.
- CM Punk shows up at this restaurant Rose and her man friend Brad(!) are at. How did he know she was there, and why didn’t he bite all the people standing on the street outside?
- I’m sorry I’m just not buying the premise of a superspreading virus. Doesn’t seem plausible.
- Chelsea and Rose talk about Brad(?) at work, but they live together, why didn’t this conversation take place in the morning when they had coffee in the kitchen?
- Has there even been a fashion show where the clothes didn’t look absolutely ridingdongdamndiculous?
- I just want to go home, even though I am home.
- Oh no Chelsea got bit who cares.
- Ah, now there’s a butthole armpit worm. Too little, too late.
- Brad($) doesn’t seem all that taken aback by the butthole armpit worm. I think maybe the surgeon is paying him to keep an eye on Rose or something?
- Chelsea’s stupid dress now has a convenient mouth cage on it.
- Well now it’s off, so a missed opportunity there. Oh who am I kidding.
- Everything goes rabid at the fashion show, which makes it the most interesting fashion shows ever, then Brad(*) takes Rose back to the clinic where the surgeon reveals all but it’s too dull for me to recap here.
- I like that the only nudity in this movie is the boobs of the surgeon’s monster wife.
- So Brad get’s butthole armpit wormed and Rose kills the surgeon’s wife and then slits her own throat. How does that help?
- Fortunately the radio says the rabies outbreak is contained. But how? And WHY? It would have been cool to have actually seen some of that, but then I guess you could just watch World War Z.
- Ok so Rose is immortal, even from throat cuts. And now she’s the surgeon’s prisoner forever. But at least she’s not ugly anymore, which is all that really matters.
Final Thoughts: When you get down to it this is basically one of the most boring zombie movies ever made that just gets lamer and lamer as it goes along. The only positive I can think of is Laura Vandervoort (Rose) is a pretty decent horror actress (And I love this bio note about her: “Laura Vandervoort is a versatile actress, producer and writer who not only crosses over genres, but also changes from character to character flawlessly embracing the essence of every role she plays.” That’s literally what acting is.). It’s not like an unwatchable movie or anything but there’s not much of a reason to watch it.
Score: 3 Butthole Mouth Worms (out of 10)
Which was better?: The original, which wasn’t great but at least at the time it wasn’t something you’ve seen a thousand times before.