Schlocktoberfest X – Day 1: Mausoleum

Mausoleum (1983)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*


What’s This About:
A woman is possessed by a demon that is housed in some kind of… ok, it’s like a grave, but like, above the ground? In like a stone building? I wish I knew what that was called.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • So I feel it’s important that you know a little background with these next two movies. Back in 1984, we got a list of movies available at our local video store, which wasn’t that long of a list back in those days. But I clearly recall my dad being overly excited about two listings. Raiders of the Lost Ark? Ghostbusters? The Godfather? No sir, it was Mausoleum (below) and Mortuary. (Also The Last House on the Left, but that wasn’t in the ‘80s.) So, it goes without saying that he had his faults, but I loved him very much regardless. This is for you, dad, the best memorial I could possibly give you. R.I.P.
  • Marjoe Gortner and La Wanda Page! The sexual pairing I’ve always dreamed of!
  • A girl and her mother are in a cemetery, the girl runs off and the mother screams, “NOT SUSAN OH GOD NOT SUSAN!!” I wish I knew what she meant. I never will.
  • The girl runs to a maserleesum and her eyes glow green like Ghoulies and there’s like a demon in there. Where’s La Wanda Page already?
  • Since I’ll never see you again after this, I may as well tell you that I used to work for a magazine about the cemetery industry. It was a low point.
  • Oh so the girl is Susan? Why was her mom (or aunt I guess) screaming “NOT SUSAN”? I guess she knew that the mausoleum would possess her? Then why the fuck did you take her there, numblabia?
  • Oh just FYI there’s no way I’m making it through this in one sitting. It’s already 10:15 and there’s still 1:15 to go and I’ve had a fair amount of wine already.
  • Akton! What’s wrong, ship’s computer?
  • So Susan was the little girl and is now this grown blonde woman? Is this the future? Did we defeat Trump? Did we survive COVID? No??
  • I’m not a wealthy man but how many floors of a house do two people need? They’re house looks like the Louvre. 
  • Grizzly Adams??
  • Was disco jazz still a thing in 1983?
  • Grizzly Adams tries to use his disco stick on Susan. Kick his hairy ass, Marjoe!
  • The early ‘80s were a much more innocent time. Of course, I was just a little kid, so maybe the time was also shitty too, and I was just the one that was innocent. So maybe things were never great, they were just our childlike perception.
  • Susan blows up Grizzly Adams’s car with her green eye mind powers. What a grisly end, I can’t bear it.
  • There’s La Wanda! Watch it, sucka!

  • Susan also has a rapist handyman, like we all did back then.
  • The sound in this flick is like two jet engines fucking on top of an old movie projector.
  • The handyman is chopping a stump and making absolutely zero progress and that’s hilarious to me for some reason.
  • Susan’s doing the bug eyes at the rapist handyman.
  • Hey Susan, sorry about the bug eyes thing.
  • So she just kind of made creaky house noises at him? Way to go.
  • Why would you even hire this handyman to do gardening he has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. I’ve seen better yards in an abandoned Iraqi prison.
  • Finally a little T&A from Susan. You’re up next, La Wanda.
  • While seducing the handyman from the balcony, she psychically broke her glass of wine. Why?
  • Now it’s night. Why would this handyman even still be there?
  • Wait, she actually went through with banging him?
  • Then she turns into a demon and kills him with that gardening tool from The Initiation whatever it’s called.
  • This is going slower than Chris Farley’s final bowel movement.
  • At this point Susan is topless more often than not. And during quarantine, so am I.
  • Holy shit the sound on this movie is like sex in the back of a gorilla car, it’s driving me fucking bananas.
  • Dad, did you actually watch this shitty movie before you sang its praises on the home video list? The only thing I can think of is that he was fond of women’s breasts. But who isn’t? Did you ever see Evil Dead? That was out on home video by 1984, along with many other great horror movies. Why not get excited about The Exorcist? Why this? Alien? The last day I saw you, we watched Aliens. That was the first movie we watched together in decades. I’m not a heaven guy, and neither were you, but if somehow I see you there, this is the very first thing I’m asking you about. Why Mausoleum? Shit, I’m sorry, we didn’t put you in a mausoleum, just a plain old burial plot. Is that what you were trying to tell us? Hey, we picked out that black and copper casket and put that Harley plate on it, which was pretty cherry, I hope that was good enough.
  • Man, absolutely nothing is happening here. Susan gets topless and her eyes glow sometimes and she killed her aunt (?) from before, but nothing’s moving forward.

“Don’t make me upset or horny or hungry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m whatever sets off this demon transformation; hell if I know…”

  • Nice comedy interlude, but it was a worse fit than Smurfette using a redwood for a dildo.
  • This kind of reminds me of Beyond the Door, because it was also total garbage.
  • Susan gets hypnotized by her therapist and does demon shit but the therapist doesn’t really seem to be bothered, and I can’t be bothered to watch this anymore tonight.
  • [resumes the movie several days later] I have no fucking idea what’s going on. There’s still 40 minutes left???
  • If nothing else, and please take this in the spirit in which it’s intended, wow does that Susan have some spectacular breasts.
  • I’m pretty sure every scene in this movie was filmed in this one house. Like the psychiatrist’s office was one room in this house and even the bar scene was probably shot in the basement and the mausoleum was the shed where Marjoe Gortner lived.
  • CHU CHU MALAVE OF ANDY SIDARIS MOVIE FAME!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!

  • Susan’s glowing green eyes are almost as bad as Ghoulies. Almost. Not even close.
  • So she psychically makes Chu Chu’s head split apart, and turns into the demon in the process. Why? What is the demon getting out of this? Maybe it’s just feeding time for the demon.
  • Akton drives a really dope car. And he lives in a house the size of a city hall. And his wife has amazing knockers. What an inspiration he is. Although I just need a cooler car and I’d be right there. But I don’t really give a shit about cars so I guess I’m good. I’m so bored.
  • Susan steals a painting from a painting shop in the mall for some reason and kills the poor bastard store owner. I just miss malls and stuff, you know?
  • The painting has two pairs of big boobies on it. Now I get it.

“No no no no this isn’t right, this is shit! Where’s the impact? It’s just a god damn buffalo!”

  • You ever watch a movie where nothing is going on but it still makes no sense and is hard to follow? A.k.a. 90% of Schlocktoberfest over the years?
  • Akton has barely been in this flick really. It’s 90% Susan just seducing and killing some schmuck.
  • So obviously there was a mausoleum in the beginning where Susan got possessed, but that’s been it so far. Definitely not enough mausoleum to call your entire movie Mausoleum. It should have just been called Titty Demon or something.
  • Akton just came to Susan’s bed, yelled at her about the painting, then she got up and stormed off, and the very next scene she rises out of the bed. That’s some fine editing, fellas.
  • Simon the psychiatrist approaches the mausoleum while Susan is fully naked and hugging Akton, then she psychically gets pissed even though it doesn’t appear that Simon actually did anything and she destroys Akton’s sternum. Now she’s full demon and I think the nudity portion of our program is over.

BUT, did I mention that her boobs are now little demons? They’re adorable, and strangely arousing.

  • A goddamn cat jump scare? Where did that pussy even come from?
  • For some reason Susan made some kind of nursery in the attic for a baby doll. I don’t understand any of this and quite frankly I don’t wish to.
  • Simon: “This house, it has a lot of memories for you…” yeah, most houses have memories for the people who live in them. Very astute, doctor.
  • Oh, Simon went to the mausoleum before to get a crown of thorns. Which was very easy for him and involved no conflict at all.
  • He puts the crown of thorns on Susan and her face distorts for what seems like 45 minutes.
  • I guess that separated Susan from the demon. It must hate that crown of thorns. Jesus Christ…
  • The demon is now like a sad senior dog that Susan has to put down. She just puts it back in the mausoleum tomb and we’re done. What a waste of that demon’s time.

Meth. Not even once.

  • Susan: “Simon I don’t understand.” NO SHIT.
  • So Susan’s demon-free now, but how is she going to explain all this to the police?
  • Simon talks to like the protector of the mausoleum who turns out to be the rapist handyman? WHAT??!! What are you laughing at, dicknose?

Was it Entertaining:

Any Good Gore: John Buechler should be very ashamed of his makeup effects in this one.

But you never die…

Any Nudity: Many occasions where Susan showcases her breasts without a brasoleum.

Susan would’ve made a fine addition to the Sidaris Cinematic Universe. Chu Chu should put in a good word.

Best Quote: “There’s some strange shit going on in this house I know damn well it is.” – La Wanda

“No more grievin’ I’m leavin’!” – also La Wanda

Best Scene: I guess when La Wanda gets scared and leaves. I wanted to go with her, see what adventures we could get into.

Worst Scene: I’d have to say the big “twist” at the end when the rapist handyman turns out to be a monk protecting the mausoleum for no reason whatsoever.

Final Thoughts: Not the worst schlock I’ve seen but still a dull slog through a muddy cemetery. This just made me more worried about my dad’s lifelong mental state than anything. I can only conclude that he confused it with a different horror movie or porno.

Score: 2.5 Above-ground Entombment Structures (out of 10)

2 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest X – Day 1: Mausoleum

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