The Boogens (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

 

What‘s This About: Large reptilian-looking monsters attack some miners and their girlfriends after they reopen an abandoned silver mine. 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• This was one of my favorite horror movies as a kid. I haven’t seen it since I was in elementary school. Let’s see how it holds up. I’m sure it’s still a crowd-pleaser!

• “Richest Vein in History” Surely they never seen my rich vein!

• This is the most boring exposition for a horror movie ever. Two dozen lame newspaper headlines showcasing mine accidents with sepia-toned old photographs. It’s like if Ken Burns made a horror movie.

• This dude, Roger, actually knows to the hour how long it’s been since he’s been laid. Like most men do.

• Just realized that this flick came out the same year as My Bloody Valentine which also featured mining. The mine’s a terrible thing to waste.

• Crazy Ralph! That mine’s got a death curse!

• So far I don’t remember too much from this flick other than the music. Weird right?

• Lady, who has a “I brake for animals” bumper sticker, gets stuck in a snowy ditch after braking for a crossing deer. 

• Crazy Ralph is peeping Tom.

• We just met this lady and we also just met the Crazy Ralph fella. Why is he stalking her?

• We are spending way too much with this lady in her creepy house for far too long without knowing shit about her. Can we get to the point please.

• Is her house full of Boogens?

• In horror movies when someone is being dragged by a creature or killer, why don’t they ever try harder to fight to not be dragged? They just give up!

• Well I’m sorry to see Mrs. Brake-For-Animals go so soon. Ironically, if she didn’t brake for that deer and hit it, she’d probably still be alive.

• Were we supposed to think that Crazy Ralph killed her? Because he obviously didn‘t.

• No, I’m not surprised that Roger named his penis.

• Dumb dog just runs away into the snowy forest from the girls in the VW Beetle while they take a break on the side of the road. 

• How the hell did the dog, Tiger, get on the roof of their VW?

• “Is this a natural cavern?“ It’s in the middle of a cave. I don’t think there are man-made caverns, moron.

• Mark, Roger’s friend and fellow miner, looks at a clearly human skull and states to the others that it’s human. No Mark, you stumbled across a rare Neanderthal skull laying on the floor in a cavern in a mine.

• There’s tons of bones! Those Boogens have been busy!

• Silver City. Huh? Must’ve came in second place.

• Jess, the driver of the VW is perfect for Roger. She’s equally as horny.

• Wait. Is this the same house that Mrs. Brake-For-Animals died in earlier? Seems like it. How does that make sense unless she was renting it. But she didn’t seem like she was leaving the next day. So I’m confused. Maybe every house in Silver City is exactly the same.

• Why does this basement not have any lights in it other than the staircase?

• Tiger, who somehow not only was able to sneak into the basement but also stayed incredibly still for a few minutes until the tension built up to really give Trish a fright!

• Roger dubs himself “Hormone-Man” and that he can fuck all night. Roger’s so cool.

• Trish does not know how to wear a towel properly and leaves the whole backside wide open for Mark, Roger and Jess to see her bum. It happens to the best of us I suppose.

• Mark tells Trish that they’re “practically in-laws” because they’re friends are dating but I don’t know if that’s the best way to woo a girl you just met.

• Poor Rog and Jess cock-blocked by the damn cops looking for the owner of the house.

• So yeah, the lady that got killed earlier did own that house and was supposed to meet Roger, Mark and the girls to rent for the winter. But the girls, who arrived first, just waltzed in the house like they owned the place without a second thought.

• Now I’m wondering if Rog and Jess will ever get to seal the deal with the constant interruptions, false starts and actually eating.

• What’s Crazy Ralph up to now?!

• This dog, Tiger, has more screen time than the human actors!

• It’s amazing what a 5-year-old ignores about the dialogue in movies. I don’t recall wondering nor asking what is the big deal about sex and all this sex talk they do in these movies that I watched as a wee lad. Maybe it was intuition or a complete lack of care. But I see this now as a parent when I watch a movie, with my kids, that mentions sexual implicit stuff. My kids don’t even care to ask what these people are talking about.

• I kinda like Rog and his dumb sense of humor. He sees his boss at a bar playing pool and he says “Minnesota Fats, I’d like you to meet my girl, Pennsylvania Sexy.” He’s a lovable, charming horny doofus. I’m kinda gonna miss him when he dies soon.

• Wait, so did the miner guys that Roger and Mark work for ever tell the authorities about all the human bones in the mine? You would think, not only is this an incredible story for the papers, but it would probably close the mine for investigations at the very least, no?

• Tiger’s in deep shit now for making a mess with the kitchen garbage. If he’s not dead already by a Boogen.

• I also yell out loud when I’m angry at my dog for doing something bad when she’s not even in the room. It’s incredibly pointless.

• I must say that the dialogue ain’t half badly written for these characters. The chemistry between the characters is well done as well. It might be the first time in a Schlocktoberfest that I actually like all principal actors. And this isn’t because I watched this a tons of times as a kid and grown attached to them or something. Remember I barely remember anything of this.

• My one complaint so far is not enough Boogen horror action. I’m over 50 minutes in and only one Boogen attack on screen.

• I guess them opening up the mine “woke“ up or freed the Boogens. But that would imply that they survived over 70 years without killing and eating something. Otherwise they would‘ve killed Mrs. Brake-For-Animals sooner if they were able. Unless enough dead miners from the cave-in in 1912 lasted all that time to sustain them.

• Here we go. Roger is being dragged under his car by the beast (or beasts). It’s hard to tell if there’s more than one.

• The tails of a Boogen are so strong and sharp (I think it has a claw at the end) that it can cut through a cowboy boot and whip Roger so hard that he crashes through a wooden door!

• I like the chemistry between Mark and Trish but damn, they move fast. They just met that day and are already boinking.

• Tiger LIVES!

• Trish is very cute but her page-boy haircut is bugging the hell out of me.

• Crazy Ralph supposedly hates this mine so much that he boarded up the entrance with the word DEATH and placed 3 crosses in the ground to, I guess, scare off the miners.

• Jess says having “8 horny little rugrats drinking beer all day” likes it’s a bad thing.

• Now Crazy Ralph is stealing dynamite out of Roger’s truck. This mine needs better security. Or perhaps more than 4 employees.

• Yeah, no, I don’t think a story about the “first girl paperboy in Denver” is going to capture the readers’ attentions as much as this old lady seems to think when she tells this to Trish. And it doesn’t help that you call her the first girl paperBOY. Although “papergirl“ sounds weird.

• I don’t believe they told us why they’re reopening this particular mine? Is it to mine for more silver? If that’s the case, why are there only 4 miners?!

• Mark finally realizes that it’s odd that the pile of human bones laying in the cavern is in fact in a pile and not scattered around as if the miners trapped died naturally. It’s obvious someone or something is taking people and killing them and placing the bodies in a pile.

• The old newspaper lady is disturbed that they didn’t investigate the cave-in that happened in 1912 and then starts complaining that the article is riddled with typos. 

• This is a very odd horror monster movie in that the Boogens are only attacking people and things in that one house and that there’s only like 6-7 people plus the dog to attack. Add possibly one more for that Crazy Ralph fella. Imagine if this was a Friday the 13th and there was only 4 people staying at Camp Crystal Lake.

• Odder still is the miners have been in and out of that mine a few times and neither saw nor heard a Boogen. They never even seen a sign of a Boogen activity or tracks.

• We’re at little over more than 25 minutes left and the characters don’t even suspect anything yet. Trish noticed that Roger’s truck is still here meaning he never left like he was supposed to but they aren’t that concerned yet. They don’t even know about Crazy Ralph yet!

• Jess is in the shower belting out She’ll be Coming ‘Round the Mountain. I’m just fixated on how she’s badly singing it, especially the word “comes.”

• Within 2 minutes we have Tiger getting nabbed down the floor vent by the Boogen(s) and now Jess in her bath robe getting attacked!

• Boogen-vision!

• Maybe they have hands. It’s unclear if they are tentacles with claws on them or if they are paws/hands with claws on them. For some reason I kinda remember them crawling like snakes but again, that’s using what little memory I have of this flick.

• Why is this old miner having difficulty walking in 3 feet of water? Too cold perhaps?

• These old miners are taking the shock of finding a half eaten Roger in the cavern very lightly.

• So Crazy Ralph is the one lone miner from 1912 that survived the cave-in. He wants to close the mine again because he knows about the Boogens. If only there was a better, easier way of warning the miners that a killer monster was in the mines but I guess displaying crosses in front of the mine was the best he could’ve done.

• Crazy Ralph actually says Boogens. Which means he named them that since he’s the only one who knows about them.

• I say them but so far there’s only been one shown at a time. Despite the title of the movie implying there’s multiple Boogen.

• One of Crazy Ralph’s dynamite sticks gets fused and detonates while he’s being Boogen attacked and strangely enough the cave/cavern is fine. I’m no TNT expert but I would assume any blast would cause a lot of damage to the structural integrity of a small run-down mine.

• Trish, do you need to touch the blood to make sure that it is blood?

• Wouldn’t it be a hoot if the Boogens kill everyone. Like no one survives this flick. How bleak and interesting an ending would that be? It would still be a less bleak ending than The Mist.

• Why would the Boogen(s) move Jess’ body from the first floor to the basement? Was it in the process of taking her to the cave but was interrupted by Trish? I’m also amazed that Jess’ bathrobe was still intact and covering her naked body.

• A close up (finally) of the Boogen reveals that it’s kinda like a turtle with 4 tentacles. Reminds me of Gamera.

• Man, that basement went up like a Roman candle! 

• And blew up the house within a minute!

• Obviously fake house blowing up is very obvious.

• I’m assuming this is a different Boogen since it isn’t all bloody. This movie would’ve benefited with a herd of Boogens attacking at once. Maybe they were saving that for the sequel. Boogens TWO: Electric Boogen-loo!

• For a fat turtle-like creature, these Boogens are remarkably nimble and able to climb walls quietly.

• The ol’ “the lighter won’t light in time to build up tension“ cliché. Tried and true.

• Well anyway, Mark delivered the bomb. Blew up the Boogen. Smile you son of a Boogen!

• So, just two Boogens? Well, at least it wasn’t false advertising.

Was it Entertaining:

Final Thoughts: I really don‘t know why I loved this slow and pretty dull monster flick as a kid. Maybe it was the atmosphere or I just really liked the turtle-like creatures but it was also probably my feeble 5-year-old mind just took what it could get in the horror genre. It‘s not an awful flick at all and actually is quite good at parts, unfortunately it‘s the terror parts that are dull and lacking. Maybe that‘s why this movie isn‘t that revered by horror fans. Like I said, I hold a (small) candle for it since it was a part of my childhood but it‘s not something I would highly recommend to casual viewers looking for a good monster movie. The most surprising aspect watching it 40 years later was how well the acting was which is saying something for a mid-level, mostly forgotten creature feature from the early 1980s.

Score: 6 Hormone-Men (out of 10)