Schlocktoberfest XI – Day 15: Blood Dolls

 

SchlocktoberfestXI

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AND!

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Blood Dolls (1999)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*


blood dolls posterWhat’s This About:
The man behind Puppet Master and Demonic Toys and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys didn’t think those dolls were offensively racist enough.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • What other kind of dolls are there?

  • One of the stars of this is Jodie Coady, and that delights me.

  • Also Persia White, who without even looking it up is unquestionably a porn star.

  • Two accountants or lawyers or whatever go to billionaire Mr. Travis’s house and the woman is explaining all these rules of the house to the other guy and I love when this stuff happens as they’re walking up to the house, like they wouldn’t have done that way ahead of time or even on the drive over there. Like they totally forgot to mention that Mr. Travis wears a mask and there’s an all-girl rock band locked in a cage.

  • Mr. Travis has some racist dolls in a box. Who doesn’t?

  • I don’t know, he’s in financial trouble or something, I’ve already stopped caring.

  • So he straps the lawyers to their chairs and drills through one of them. It goes on way too long, but at least there’s a lot of blood.

  • Mr. Travis takes off his mask and reveals he has a tiny Beetlejuice head. Says his mom genetically engineered him? Don’t all moms genetically engineer everyone?

  • By the way, the doorman/bodyguard I guess for Mr. Travis looks exactly like the Joaquin Phoenix Joker, and this movie is much better than that movie, and this movie’s abysmal.

  • How could Mr. Travis possibly see out of that mask?

  • He does kind of look like Gerrit Graham, which is great.

  • Apparently the band’s cage is accessible from every room in this mansion.

  • So I don’t know, Mr. Travis is torturing the female lawyer with electricity.

  • Oh, then she turns into another racist doll, An Asian one, this time. Yeesh.

  • Could these be THE Blood Dolls the movie is named after?

  • A couple of business types are standing around celebrating the ruination of Mr. Travis, and Neil Breen would rip this off wholesale some years later.

  • I have a feeling that I’m going to have very little of consequence to write about from this point on.

  • Mr. Travis wants Mr. Mascaro (the Joker makeup guy) and the dolls to kill the other businessieers, of course. So boring.

  • Mr. Travis tells Mr. Mascaro to wear a disguise, and a more clever movie would have cut to him just wearing a baseball cap still with the clown makeup, but this is not that movie.

  • From the only trivia entry for this movie on IMDb: The character of Mr. Mascaro is the human version of the demon Jack in the Box from the film Demonic Toys. O…… k. But why?
  • Do the girls in the band just not mind being locked in a cage at all times or are they nuts or on drugs or all of these above?

  • One of these days I should watch an actual horror movie.

  • Holy catshit this is taking forever.

  • I am slightly curious to see why these dolls just can’t be stomped on.

  • A doll drops a dumbbell on this guy’s head, which really wouldn’t kill him, but he makes no attempt to move his head or put his hands up, which are free. I guess I’m the dumbbell for watching this.

  • There’s literally no protagonist in this movie. The villain is killing other bad people. I’m sure the dolls will revolt at the end, but who cares.

  • Once again though, MAN the pimp doll is racist. Charles Band is an asshole.

  • Is there a channel like SyFy but R-rated? Because that’s what this movie seems like it’s made for. WhyFy?

  • This movie basically takes place in two rooms.

  • So a dwarf keeps yelling at the band to play songs, and every time they tell him to fuck off, and every time he turns a knob that electrocutes them, and they scream and start playing. So why are they resisting? Do they want to get shocked? Maybe it’s the only thing keeping them awake, which I could use right about now.

  • Another business lady is trying to flee the country I guess with the help of a bunch of security guards or something. God doll damn who cares?

  • Anyway, the dolls kill everyone. Offscreen. Guess the money ran out.

  • How is there still 45 minutes left?

  • By the way, the main bad businessers are an S&M couple. The only noteworthy thing with them is the man is dressed up like Demolition.

blood dolls demolition

Who says there are no perfect picture searches?

  • The racist pimp doll is set on fire, but he’s ok, unfortunately.

  • Wait, its name is DARKIE??? WOW. I am so sorry by proxy, and I won’t bring it up again. #CancelBand

  • “May I fetch you a drink?” “Yes, please, brandy.” No, my name’s Travis.” I made that last part up, but someone had to.

  • The dominatrix goes to see Travis, and it goes on for way too long, and it shouldn’t go on at all.

  • The band shocking thing just happened for the 19th time. Why. Also, they keep telling them to play louder, but they don’t go turn up the amps or anything. Also, this seems to be the only job the dwarf has, even though they can hear Travis asking them to play, so he really has zero purpose.

  • The Demolition guy is in some kind of wire sex chamber and of course the dolls kill him with it. Why else would he be there?

  • The dominatrix captures the dolls, and puts tape over their mouths, even though they don’t talk and barely make noise at all. AT ALL!

  • There are about 25 minutes left and I could probably skip them and not miss anything.

  • So I don’t know, the dominatrix is trying to make a deal with Travis, it goes on and on, and she’s probably playing him, and I couldn’t care less.

  • I actually kind of just hope they strike a deal and the movie just ends.

  • This may not be the worst Schlocktoberfest movie I’ve seen, but it may be the dumbest.

  • They get married, she doesn’t want to kiss his tiny head, and the racist dolls stab her legs. Better than my wedding.

  • So Travis wants to kill himself and everyone else in the house with poison gas, you don’t care, I don’t care. At least the dolls help the band escape, for some reason.

  • OH. MY. DOG. Mr. Mascaro comes on the screen and says there are two endings to the movie and they couldn’t decide. Fuck. You.

  • The second ending involves the band playing the wedding march, the dominatrix says she loves Travis because he’s a monster. So they strike a deal and the movie just ends.

blood dolls kiss

How about a little head?

Final Thoughts: What an absolutely waste of everyone’s time, but especially mine, which I do not forgive. It’s actually kind of an achievement in film that there isn’t a protagonist in this bucket of bloody stool. Not a good achievement, but an achievement nonetheless. There’s no one to like in this picture, and really nothing to like about it. Maybe the band isn’t a complete atrocity. and the acting of Mr. Travis and the dominatrix wasn’t too terrible by schlock standards. But the titular blood dolls really barely do anything, and it’s unclear why they’re even in it. And seriously, the pimp doll and its name were just plain offensive and I hope Charles Band is fucking ashamed of himself, but I seriously doubt that.

Score: 0.5 the Size of a Normal Head (out of 10)

3 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest XI – Day 15: Blood Dolls

  1. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest XI – Day 20: Eating Raoul | Hard Ticket to Home Video

  2. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest XI – Day 24: Ghoulies II | Hard Ticket to Home Video

  3. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest XI: The Recap Kills | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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