Schlocktoberfest IV – Day 17: Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

Schlocktoberfest4-toys

 

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys (2004)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

puppetmastervsdemonictoysWhat’s It About: Toys come to life and instead of entertaining children oh no they don’t do that they… don’t do much of anything.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • I’ve only seen the original Puppet Master, which the six-armed cowboy wasn’t in, so now I’m completely lost.
  • Wow, the fishing line holding up the puppets’ arms is more visible than  the coke under Corey Feldman’s nose.
  • It’s official: Corey Haim is a better actor than Corey Feldman, and he’s been dead for years.
  • What happened to you, Vanessa Angel?

    She's blown her career.

    She’s blown her career.

  • It makes no sense why Corey Feldman was even hired for this role.
  • Corey Feldman is just unwatchable in this. I knew this was going to be bad but he’s making it tortuous.
  • I’ve really fucking had it with this movie. I’m bailing.

5 days later…

  • Ok, I’m back. Why am I doing this to myself?
  • I have a feeling this girl in her bra is as good as it’s going to get in the nudity department.
  • So Vanessa Del Rio Angel needs virgin blood to summon a demon whose mask looks cheaper than Rocky Dennis’s. It would be somewhat interesting if he was the same demon as the original Demonic Toys? Regardless, the demon makeup in that much older and zero-budget film looked infinitely better.
  • From what I can understand between nodding off, they need Toulon blood so the demon can kill all the kids and rule and Vanessa can have the puppets and not make toys anymore and whatever who cares.
  • I still feel so bad for Vanessa Angel. Just a tragedy.
  • Speaking of tragedies: Corey Feldman. He was in so many good movies as a kid, now he’s beyond a joke.
  • When did Blade’s head get so huge? Man, I missed so much with all these sequels in between, but I’d rather swallow a bushel of razor-blade apples, poop them out and wipe with sandpaper covered in ghost chili extract than watch them. Although there’s no doubt they’re all much better than this one.
  • This is really giving Ghoulies and Barracuda a challenge for worst Schlocktoberfest movie ever. And maybe worst movie ever. And maybe worst of mankind’s creations ever.
  • The girl who plays Corey Feldman’s daughter is really cute, and there’s no doubt Corey was railing her with all of his coked-up energy every night during their two-night filming schedule.

    I found this when I Googled "Corey Feldman Coke Party"

    I found this when I Googled “Corey Feldman Coke Party”

  • I think they forgot to put the gray hair coloring in Corey’s hair for this scene. Or he snorted it out.
  • It seems like all of the lady cop’s dialogue is dubbed, and the actress who did the dubbing is also terrible.
  • I still don’t really understand why Vanessa Angel wants to kill all of Earth’s children with demonic toys. I guess just because she’s evil? Can’t she just sell the company and move to Turks and/or Caicos?
  • WOW, there’s a scene of Oopsy Daisy running that looks worse than Ernest Borgnine’s Saturday night cock ring. Its feet weren’t even touching the floor.
  • I’m going to hang myself with a rotten rope from a shitty tree.
  • WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS??
  • Corey is trying to ham it up, but there’s a fine line between that and being the worst actor since your coworker told you your haircut looked nice.
  • The lady cop is really scared and pointing a gun just because a jack-in-the-box is playing its music.
  • Corey gives the burned puppets some weapon upgrades. Jester now has a mace for an arm, so now he’s not completely useless anymore.
  • I never want to see Corey Feldman again. Or anyone else named Corey. Or eat an apple to its core. Have mercy on me, please, Corey.
    Corey Feldman Mercy
  • However, I will continue to fantasize about Vanessa Angel, but I’ll hate myself for it.
  • I didn’t know Oopsy Daisy had farting propulsion powers.
  • There’s been a grand total of one death in this movie, the virgin girl who was sacrificed. None by the puppets or the toys.
  • The lady cop just shot and killed a security guard, who shot at her, even though she’s a cop.
  • Wait, the jack-in-the-box has sonic powers? Where did that come from? At least it made a guy’s eyes explode, which is the only gore in the movie.
  • The demon is wearing a Santa costume now. Please help.

    Won't you please help?

    Won’t you please help?

  • Corey and the lady cop need to stop Vanessa, the demon, and two henchmen from extracting his daughter’s blood, and he has a gun, so he rushes at them. Brilliant. Also, he has a puppet with six laser guns for arms.
  • It’s been about 10 minutes since they said the world was going to end (or whatever) in 4 minutes.
  • Oh hey look, the puppets are fighting the toys, you know, the name of the movie. It lasts about 90 seconds.
  • Well, they wasted enough time so the evil plan didn’t work, so the demon shrugs and takes Vanessa to the pit of hell: her career.
  • “Merry Christmas, my ass. And a crappy New Year.” Fuck you Oopsy.

Is It Actually Scary: Are you being serious right now? It’s hard to tell.

How Much Gore: Exactly one (1) instance when a guy’s eyeballs pop out. Then also when I popped the disc out of the DVD player and stabbed it to death.

Me, about 23 minutes into the movie.

Me, about 6 minutes into the movie.

Best Scene: There isn’t one, but if I had a gun to my head, I’d have to pick… the gun.

Worst Scene: I could just post the whole movie in its entirety here but the single worst aspect of it is how unbelievably atrocious Corey Feldman’s acting is. He makes Jaden Smith look like Sidney Poitier. He makes Jeff from The Video Dead look like Daniel Day-Lewis. He makes The IPC look like Hard Ticket to Home Video. He makes camel diarrhea look like Guinness. He makes Michael Jackson Corey Feldman look like Mouth Corey Feldman. And so on and so forth.

Any Nudity: A girl in her bra and Vanessa Angel in a semi-skimpy dress. Really nothing I can’t see at home.

Overall: This movie is worse than Ebola.

Score: 0.5 Coreys (out of 10)

22 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest IV – Day 17: Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

  1. Bwahaha! I should be mad at you for picking on one of the two Coreys so much but this review was hilarious. Why couldn’t he just be Stand By Me Corey Feldman forever?? Why do so many child stars go doolally??? How do you spell doolally???? This movie looks worse than the shit Eric gives four top hats.

    Like

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