Ghoulies II (1987)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The ghoulies face off against the carnies in a battle to determine who is slimier.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Oh god here we go….

• So if you’ll recall, and you should because it got national media attention, I hated Ghoulies and for some reason had mistakenly believed that Ghoulies was always Ghoulies II. Well, here I am correcting that grave error. And this is probably going to be way worse.

• “A Charles Band Production” OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO
  Ok whew, Charles Band neither wrote the screenplay nor directed this.

• Wait, directed by his father, Albert Band? OHHHHH NOOOOOOOO

• So a carnival truck with two losers in it is driving to some loser carnival site I guess, and some loser priest is running from some red robed druids and he tries to throw a winged ghoulie into a convenient vat of toxic solvent but he’s such a loser that the loser ghoulie gets away and the loser priest ends up in the solvent.

• Oh there are more ghoulies in the solvent? I guess that wouldn’t have done anything to the other one after all.

• These ghoulies are way cuter than in the original, but so was the last loose stool my dog had.

• I still think these ghoulie designs look way too much like the trolls from Troll.

• Ok so the carnival trucked housed one dark ride called Satan’s Den. I wonder if it’s like The Funhouse where the ride is the size of Baltimore and contains thousands of elaborate decorations that would take months to set up?

• Oh hey it’s the same dwarf from Blood Dolls. I’d say not good, but he’s likely the best actor in both movies, and many others. Actually, if your movie had dwarves in it in the ‘80s or ‘90s, he was probably involved. Especially when Warwick Davis got a big head from his success.

• Most of these other actors seem like they’re from a bottom-tier episode of The A-Team.

• I like that there’s an evil businessman threatening the carnival. It’s a fucking carnival. Everything’s covered in vomit and powdered sugar and grease of both the frying and bodily kinds.

• Oh, he’s specifically threatening Satan’s Den because it doesn’t make enough money and the kids just aren’t scared of it anymore. What the hell makes a ton of money at a crappy carnival? Maybe the ghoulies will help!

• The businessman wants to replace Satan’s Den with a mud wrestling tent. I mean, great idea, but why can’t the do the mud wrestling tent anyway? Why is it either/or?

• “I have a date with an old flame.” “You got more flames than hell!”

• The ghoulies attack a girl! I guess they’re not that helpful, the ghoulies.

• The drunken magician owner of Satan’s Den, The Great Fausto, is far and away the best character in this. I don’t know what his actual name is, but if you’ve read any of my Schlocktoberfest posts, I pick up on the character’s names about 4% of the time.

This is me during most Schlocktoberfest viewings.

• Ok this is already dragging, the ghoulies or Fausto need to go on a gory killing spree.

• There are a bunch of belly dancers, not super different than mud wrestling I guess, and no one cares.

• I never understood the appeal of the half man/half woman split down the middle. How is that impressive? It’s just a dude with half a wig and mascara on standing there.

• There’s a lot of real fire in Satan’s Den, which seems like some kind of code violation.

• Two kids walk through Satan’s Den and kick at stuff, which is exactly what my friend Chris and I used to do at a particular haunted castle once upon a yore. Good times.

• There’s also a gaggle of teen street toughs in Satan’s Den, so now it’s exactly like The Funhouse.

• One of the kids throws a ninja star at a ghoulie. He officially rules ass!

• I love how the teen toughs are partying in the rooms and there’s absolutely no one else coming through.

• One of the street toughs looks just like David Johansen. He’d better stay away from the lit torches, they’re hot hot hot! (edit: oh, it’s Don from Dazed and Confused!)

• The kids go outside and declare to a large group of people who are very interested in listening to what little kids have to say that Satan’s Den is the coolest thing ever because they got some slime spit on them. They do the same kind of thing outside Catholic churches to drum up interest.

• I guess the rest of this picture will just be people going into Satan’s Den and the ghoulies killing them in various ways?

• Why would any of the torture devices like the rack and swinging axe be usable, much less lethal? There are so many code violations in this spook house.

• Now a bunch of people are going through Satan’s Den, but no one sees the guy being tortured? All the guests start chanting, “Rats! Rats! Rats!” at the ghoulies and the ghoulies bow and high five. That right there makes this movie at least 98 times better than the original.

• Now there’s kind of a semi-subplot about Mr. Harding (the evil businessman) now not so evil and trying to romance one of the belly dancers. Unless she turns into the Bride of Ghoulie who cares? (edit: it goes absolutely nowhere at all. AT ALL!)

• Mr. Fausto (or was it Fisto?) Sobers up and finds the carnage the ghoulies have caused in Satan’s Den and… you know what, it doesn’t matter. He thinks he summoned the ghoulies with magic and now he’s trying to desummon them. Then they desummon him via electrocution.

• Mr. Fisto’s dead body moves more than most living bodies.

• If the ghoulies say, “Welcome, brother elf” to Nigel the dwarf I’ll give this movie a 10.

• Mr. Fisto’s nephew, Larry, seems like the filmmakers wanted Johnny Depp, but they had to settle for their 863rd choice, and that was Richard Grieco, then he couldn’t get insured, so they went with this dude because he was just standing around in a leather jacket.

• That belly dancer’s arms are hairier than Nigel’s ape demon costume. Maybe she’s the half man, and her legs are shaved.

• The evil businessman has finally shut Larry and Nigel out of Satan’s Den, and has also somehow put a lien on Nigel’s car. Is that how finance works?

• I don’t understand why the ghoulies are staying in the funhouse? Why don’t they just take off and terrorize the countryside?

• Larry escapes a ghoulie attack and runs to get the carnies to help instead of the police. Probably the right call.

• I still don’t know why the evil businessman cares so much about this low-rent carnival attraction. I imagine whatever investment firm he works for hates his guts so he gets the shitty carnival duty. It definitely isn’t a job for smugness.

• Are the ghoulies indestructible? The carnies do nothing.

• Good, they finally leave Satan’s Den. Now it’s party time!

• I love that the evil businessman is completely unmoved by all this and actually wants to harness the ghoulies for himself.

• The ghoulies are a definite Gremlins ripoff with their look and mannerisms but they are adorable and amusing.

• That was weird, one of the ghoulies got in a dunk tank with a clown and bit his arm off, and then there was a shot of the ghoulie in the pool that was completely film-grained. Like just filthy with scratches. I thought this was the Criterion Collection?

• ROTOR!!

• He’d try to bite the belly dancer’s arm off but there’s no way his razor-sharp teeth could get through that hair.

• Oh my god a ghoulie is actually coming out of the toilet! Finally! Of course, the evil businessman has to take a frightened dump at that exact same time. I’d kind of like some more information on his exact cause of death. Did it bite his nuts off? Crawl up his anus? Both?

• Nicole the belly dancer just asked Larry what a pentagram was. Are you sure you can’t do better, Larry, even though you’re a filthy carnie?

• If Mr. Fisto had a book of spells that actually works why was he a drunken carnie bum and not an all-powerful sorcerer?

• So they summon a giant ghoulie that eats the other ghoulies. But for some reason it looks exactly like one of the smaller ghoulies. Or did they just make that ghoulie bigger somehow?

• In movies like this they always have to scramble to find the reverse spell. You would think they would find it beforehand to save time.

• I guess this is that smaller ghoulie because I didn’t see him eat that one. Oh well, doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life I suppose.

• This movie needs a cameo by Robert Ghoulet.

• They stuff Nigel’s hair ape costume that looks like Nicole’s arms with flammable material, but wouldn’t it know it’s not made of delicious flesh?

• Then it explodes, and everything’s back to carnie normal.

• Larry and Nicole split, even though they have no other marketable skills.

• Nicole tells Nigel, “I’ll never forget you,” like anyone would forget a dwarf who worked at a carnival with you who helped you fight off a ghoulie invasion via magic.

• Ohhhh, that ghoulie who I thought was the big ghoulie was the one in the toilet and not eaten. I guess that was his dad.

Final Thoughts: I couldn’t have been dreading this more after my palpable hatred of the original, but it’s actually ok. Pretty standard little attacking creatures stuff, and in that genre it’s probably one of the better entries (if you consider Gremlins to be on a whole different level). You shouldn’t go out of your way to watch it but if you happen to you won’t want to drink yourself to death afterwards like Mr. Fisto.

Score: 4 Hairy Bellies (out of 10)