Demonic Toys (1992)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Toys come to life and instead of entertaining children oh no they don’t do that they kill people is what they do all right.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• With a title like Demonic Toys, you just don’t know what kind of movie you’re getting into.
• Featuring songs by Joker! Water Main?
• These demon kids need to trim their nails.
• Have you ever seen Tracy Scoggins looks like Denise Richards’s older sister who tries to steal Denise’s boyfriends by luring them into her boudoir with her skimpy nighties and demonic sex toys.
• Do they really send just two undercover cops to bust up a black market gun operation? No backup?
• This movie just started 8 minutes ago and I already checked how much time is left.
• When are we going to see some toys, demonic or otherwise?
• “Is that a cigarette in your mouth?” “No, it’s your dick!” Haha! Who is that insulting?
• Finally, toys. And they do appear to be demonic.
• These demonic toys are adorable. Shakma Syndrome strikes again.
• Most of them just seem to bite. Doesn’t seem like that would be too much of a threat.

  

  Well this is grizzly.
• Except the robot that shoots lasers.
• Is the entire movie going to take place in this one warehouse?
• Somehow I feel that the lady cop’s pregnancy will factor in with the devil boy.
• Ok, do we need 5 minutes of the morbidly obese security guard and the chicken delivery guy bitching about their jobs?
• So this 400-pound security guard just went down from a tiny bear toy hitting his shin with a wiffle ball bat?
• “I can shit my pants! Can you shit your pants?”
• Horrible deaths. Now we’re getting somewhere.
• The baby doll repeatedly stabs the security guard in the dick, just like Elves!
• So far the main method of killing is face biting.
• If this devil boy is some ancient evil why is he dressed so ’90s?
• Police handcuffs can be opened with a small pocket knife.
• Why does the devil boy like being in the form of a little boy best? Wouldn’t he want to walk around with a bigger wiener?
• Now there are little girls wearing gas masks and riding tricycles. Ok.

  

  It’s like a Pink Floyd video without the horrible music.
• Even the stillborn devil baby is adorable.
• “That baby’s a dick.” – my wife
• FINALLY SOME BOOB. But they look like over-inflated footballs.
• Chicken Boy hits the gunseller in the head with his shotgun and it flies right off
• Chicken Boy is a clearance discount Bill Paxton.
• KNOCKOFF MR. T BOXING PUNCH PUPPET!!

  

  I pity the fool who didn’t own one of these in the ’80s!
• I refuse to believe it’s taken them this long to find an exit out of this warehouse.
• Wait, good guy toys? Good Guys?
• So lady cop’s unborn toy soldier ghost son saves the day? What? How?
• And then the movie just sort of ends.

Is It Actually Scary: Have you ever looked at a child’s toy, then wondered what it would be like if the toy started chewing your face off, then you started shaking and peed yourself? If so, this movie would probably still be ok for you.

How Much Gore: Mostly face biting.

Best Scene: DO NOT WATCH UNLESS YOU WANT TO SHIT YOUR PANTS.

Worst Scene: Things got a little weird here.

Any Nudity: There’s a centerfold of a girl in an early scene, and then later the demon boy tries to mess with the chicken guy’s head by bringing the pinup to life, but her boobs look like curling stones wrapped in chicken skin.

Overall: After a slow start, I actually found this generally watchable, much more so than Puppet Master, even though this movie is basically a rip off of Puppet Master by its own production company, Full Moon Features. It’s all pretty simple and straightforward: People are trapped in a warehouse with killer dolls. You know exactly what’s going to happen from the start, but it’s pretty campy when it kicks into gear it’s fun enough. The devil boy plot is dumb but at least it’s not terribly confusing and doesn’t drag things down. It’s not a good movie by any means, but on a schlock scale you can do much worse.

What this movie was really sorely missing, despite featuring songs by Joker, was a theme song, something along the lines of Killer Klowns from Outer Space, like:
Looook out, they’re Demonic Toys!
They look real cute, but don’t let that fool ya
All they want to do is murder
Made of plastic, but filled with death
They’ll chew your face ’till your last breath!
Looook out, they’re Demonic Toys!

Score: 6 devilish playthings (out of 10)