Schlocktoberfest III – Day 30: The Monster Squad


The Monster Squad (1987)


*Spoilers Throughout*

Monster Squad posterWhat’s It About: Some awesome kids form an awesome monster club, then find themselves having to stop some bogus real monsters!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • Fred Dekker, Shane Black, Stan Winston, Michael Faustino, what’s not to love here?
  • I love how this movie wastes no time, it’s right into some vampire killing, magic vortex action.
  • One small nitpick, Dracula’s costume is too traditional-looking. It’s like the perfect store-bought Dracula costume.
  • I love Sean’s bootleg “Stephen King Rules” shirt.
  • The kid who plays Patrick is the same annoying narrator kid from Children of the Corn.
  • Jason Hervey is a low-rent Billy Zabka.
  • Rudy’s the coolest kid in school, or pretty much anywhere. Much cooler than Rudi from Happy Birthday to Me.
  • “We’re at war with Vietnam! It’s in Rambo!” – Phoebe, Sean’s little sister
  • As a person of German descent, I’m offended by the kids talking about Scary German Guy.
  • So Frankenstein is being transported in a box on a plane. It’s never explained why he’s being transported or how Dracula ended up on the plane. And yes, I call the monster Frankenstein, because A) insisting on saying “Frankenstein’s Monster” makes you sound like a douchebag and B) Dr. Frankenstein created him and gave him life, so he’s technically Dr. Frankenstein’s son, so his name would be Frankenstein. But mostly A.
  • Also never understood why Rudy wanted to hang out with the Monster Squad. He should be out getting in knife fights and sword-in-vagina fights.
  • Sean’s mom picks up Van Helsing’s diary at a yard sale or something. That’s… awfully convenient…
  • So the Wolf Man goes to the police station to fight cops so they’ll lock him up because it’s a full moon, but he just keeps struggling with them. Why don’t they just lock him up? Or why didn’t he rob a liquor store earlier in the day? Or he could have handcuffed his wiener to the stove. Anyway, they shoot him, but he wolfs out in the ambulance.
  • And there’s the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
  • Frankenstein, the Mummy and the Creature all look awesome, but I always thought the Wolf Man’s head looked pretty crappy.
It's like too triangular and something about the eyes is weird.

It’s like too triangular and something about the eyes is weird.

  • Sean has a message from Mr. Alucard about Van Helsing’s diary, and within 15 seconds he figures out it’s Dracula. Great pseudonym, Drac.
  • The Mummy ends up in Michael Faustino’s closet. How and why?
  • Frankenstein’s just a big softy with a soft heart and a dead wiener.
  • So every 100 years good and evil battle over an amulet which will help the monsters take over the world unless the Monster Squad stops them!
  • Monster battle preparation montage!

  • Why did they make business cards?
  • Duncan Regehr is a pretty awesome Dracula.
  • As my wife points out, how come the Wolf Man’s shirt rips open but not his pants?
  • There’s a poster for Sssssss on the Monster Squad clubhouse wall!
  • Wolf Man’s got nards!
  • Horace burns Dracula with garlic pizza!
  • Dracula blows up the Monster Squad treehouse with dynamite. That’s your revenge? Not really worth the attention it will attract.
  • “Vampires are racist.” – my wife after Dracula kills a black cop
  • They go to the town square to perform the virgin vortex ceremony, which will suck all the monsters back to limbo. It’s Hill Valley/Kingston Falls/The town Elvira goes to!
  • They blow up the Wolf Man with dynamite, but he pulls himself together! Even his pants!
  • Rudy shoots him with a silver bullet. Rudy’s kind of turning into a cold-blooded killer. And he smokes. Not good.
  • Not sure why the virgin who reads the vortex spell has to be female.
  • Horace kills the Creature with a regular-ass shotgun. Pretty weak, Creature.
  • If Dracula used a gun, this would all be over pretty quickly.
  • So after Patrick’s sister turns out to not be a virgin, they use Phoebe, who is a virgin, thankfully, or this movie would be really dark. The vortex opens, and Van Helsing comes out to drag Dracula into limbo and gives Sean a thumbs up, which is bitchin’ for Sean.
  • Poor Frankenstein gets sucked in too and Phoebe tosses him her stuffed dog. He just wanted a friend. Maybe it’s you who are the monster, reader…
  • Fantastic white-accessible rap over the end credits.

Is It Actually Scary: This is a Shane Black joint, so it’s all about action and not so much scares.

How Much Gore: Really the only gory moment is when the Wolf Man gets blown up. Other than that there’s a little blood but not much.

Best Scene: Not sure why Horace would think that the Wolf Man wouldn’t have testicles, it’s not like they would retract when he transforms, but here’s the proof:

Worst Scene: When the Mummy attacks the kids’ car and they tie his wrapping to an arrow and shoot it at a tree, unraveling him into dust. That part is actually cool, but then Rudy quips, “See you later, Band-Aid breath!” Oof. Should’ve kept that one to yourself, Rudy.

"Did you really just say that, dude? Terrible."

“Did you really just say that, dude? Terrible.”

Any Nudity: The Wolf Man’s nards are covered up, but there’s some bra and panties shots when Rudy spies on the girl next door from the Monster Squad treehouse.

Overall: I was 10 when this movie came out, so it couldn’t have possibly appealed to me more. I think I was more stoked about seeing this movie than any other in my childhood, save maybe Jurassic Park. It has everything a kid my age could possibly want: monsters, guns, bows and arrows, treehouses, cool t-shirts, kids kicking ass, girls in bras, Germans, pie, a dog, unnecessary business cards, BMX bikes, and fun! I hadn’t seen this in many a moon and longed to watch it again for the longest time, and when they released it on DVD in 2007 I was thrilled that it still held up, and now I fully appreciate how awesome Stan Winston, Shane Black and Fred Dekker were. What happened to Fred Dekker’s career anyway? Between this and Night of the Creeps he should have had a career at least as great as Joe Dante. What a shame. I guess RoboCop 3 really derailed him. Anyway, if you like monsters and good times, I implore you to see this movie, especially if you were once a boy or always wanted to be.

Score: 9 Wolf Man nards (out of 10)

17 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest III – Day 30: The Monster Squad

  1. I like this one enough. However being really old I grew up in the 70’s and the first Monster Squad I saw was the campy TV show that lasted one season in 1976 so I kind of hate that this movie overshadowed a show I loved by the same name. I am sure that’s just me. I like all the monsters here except for their version of the creature he just doesn’t cut it for me. The Alucard thing was used by Universal in the 1940’s and Hammer in the 1970’s plus probably others I am not even aware of.


  2. This movie sounds like an overload of awesome!! The poster had me thinking it would be a really hokey rip-off of Ghostbusters, but I’m glad that wasn’t the case.
    And I totally agree with you on the monster thing. It’s either Frankenstein or Blackenstein if he’s black. He’s a monster yes, but he still deserves to have a proper name dammit.


  3. I think it’s just because with other monsters -Drac, Frank, Mummy and Wolfman there have been lots of different looks over the years, but for me there was only one creature and he was done in the 50’s. My view on this film may be impacted by the fact that I didn’t get around to seeing it until like five years ago.


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