(yeah sure, why not…)

Razorback (1984)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: An Australian pig goes on a rampage… no, not the Russel Crowe story.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I think this was made by communists. Creator Union?

• ANOTHER Australian flick? F’n A… for Australia!

• A grandpa comforts his grandson who has the most frightening stuffed bunny ever. I think the boy’s name is Razorback.

• So Razorback storms the place, knocks the grandpa down, then blasts through the house. Then all of a sudden grandpa is ok, the house is engulfed in flames, and the boy is gone.

• Now grandpa is on trial for his grandson’s disappearance, but it’s not going great. It’s a kangaroo court!

• Now we’re in NYC, with our man Gregory Harrison, who you will definitely know better as Chandler from North Shore! So I’ll just be calling him Chandler.

• Is Razorback coming to New York? Chandler is married to a lady reporter who has an assignment in Australia for kangaroo slaughter. Why would she have to go to on location for this story, and who in the US would give a shit about it? Maybe it’s because of the rumor in the ’80s that McDonald’s hamburgers were made of kangaroo meat and sawdust. Never disproven.

• She runs into grandpa, who is now a razorback hunter. She questions him about hunting for a living, even though we also have plenty of that in America. I have no idea what the story is that she’s going after.

• There’s a duo of hunter jerkoffs, one of them is 30 but has a teenage masturbator’s acne.

• Really need to see some killing and gore by the Razorback here.

• Stop saying “mate”!

• She goes to like some kangaroo meat factory and films but s caught by the acne guy? Once gain, what’s the big deal?

• Ooh a Mad Max chase. Or just normal driving in Australia?

• Acne guy and his happy buddy run her off the road, and an assault is imminent, but here comes Mr. Razorback!

• So anyway, she’s dead.

• Now Chandler has come down to Oz to settle that Razorback’s hash.

• Maybe the Razorback just took her to its lair with the grandson.

• I wish these two Australian guys with Chandler were Alex and Occy, who won the OP Pro twice.

• These guys live in a cave? I’m lost. Regardless, they’re hogging the screen time.

• Razorback is attacking a random house because I guess it’s just time for it to attack something.

• There’s not a lot to write about here. Chandler goes kangaroo hunting with the two dipshits and they leave him in the middle of nowhere. Before too long, the Razorback makes its presence felt.

• Chandler ends up at some kind of abandoned watering hole then goes on walkabout in the desert. There’s really not much to say, so I’ll see you next year.

• If anything this is shot in an interesting way. Same director as The Highlander. Now all we need is six or seven decapitations.

• Chandler ends up at the farm of a beautiful Australian woman, who I suspect is secretly the Razorback in disguise.

• This movie needs to pick it up, I’m getting boared.

• Grandpa finds reporter lady’s diamond ring in the Razorback’s poop, so I guess that’s that.
  That frees Chandler up for this Australian farm chick.

• Oh she was 6 weeks pregnant, this is morbid.

• The dipshit boys come and stab the grandpa in the kneecap I guess so the boars would eat him? Why??

• Razorback gets grandpa, Chandler goes after the dipshit boys. He should probably just go home. Chandler, not the Razorback.

• The farmer girl rallies the whole town to kill Razorback, because they literally have nothing else to do.

• That didn’t work out, they were tracking another pig.

• Chandler kills one dipshit brother, then confronts the other dipshit at the ol’ kangaroo meat factory. But of course, the Razorback spoils everything.

You know, I’m not gonna lie, Razorback has a little Shakma Syndrome going on.

• The farmer girl shows up and somehow gets tangled in chains during her rescue effort?

• The Razorback falls into some kind of choppy machine, somehow. The end.

Final Thoughts: This is a movie that is excruciatingly boring in the non-Razorback scenes and the dialogue is hard to understand at all other times. But the entertaining parts are pretty entertaining, and the directing is actually outstanding for a piece of schlock like this. So you could do worse, and decent killer animal movies outside of Jaws are slim piggins.

Score: 5 McDonald’s Hamburger Patties (out of 10)