Galaxy of Terror (1981)
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Zalman King stars in this? The Red Shoe Diaries guy? Not that I would know anything about that…
- Some guy with a sun for a head and A voice like Ray Walston has a meeting with a witch. His name is The Master. Really?
- Oh hey, Ray Walston’s in this in another role, interesting…
- Freddy Kreuger!
- Doctor Satan!
- Joanie! Where’s Chachi?
- So the beginning of the movie is like 15 minutes of hyper-jumps.
- Our intrepid crew is on their way to a rescue mission. I bet it doesn’t go as planned!!
- So far, this is Alien with a tenth of the budget.
- They don’t have the budget to wear helmets on the alien planet.
- One of these guys is the biggest pussy in the solar system. He literally screams at everything. HUGE surprise that he dies first.
- These guys have laser guns that basically make bodies explode into sparks and flames.
- Apparently Joanie is like Deanna Troy with the sensing emotions thing.
- The commander of this mission is a complaining fancypants.
- Everyone is wearing an enormous backpack that seemingly only serves as a flashlight. It’s like using an oar with a beach towel wrapped around the end for a torch.
- Hahaha!! The sound of the creature attacking is the classic Hanna-Barbera “goop” sound. You’d know it if you heard it.
- The tip of Sid Haig’s dick has been sticking out of his zipper for 10 minutes.
- The Master couldn’t more obviously be Ray Walston, who’s posing as the ship’s cook.
- Sid Haig’s a bad MFer in this. “I live and I die by the crystals.” Just like Walter White! They even have the same hair and beard!
- This guy Baelon is an unbelievable asshole.
- Sid Haig is attacked by his own crystal throwing stars! Awesome!
- Giant killer space maggot!
- Space maggot eats a chick’s clothes off. Boobs!
- Wait… is it screwing her??
- Everybody’s dying, but the survivors don’t really seem to care that much.
- Everyone in this movie has an idiotic name. Like most children these days.
- Joanie really serves no purpose except to be the frightened damsel.
- My wife is watching Say Yes to the Dress on the TV while I’m watching this on the iPad, but it’s not as bad as it sounds because that show is wall-to-wall cleavage. And I can’t hear what these nimrods paying $10,000 for something they’re going to wear for 4 hours are saying.
- I’m pretty sure the creature just whispered “Eat shit, Baelon.” before it killed him.
- Kreuger clone? Why? This is the first time anything like that has been mentioned. Oh, it’s in his head?
- This movie seems kind of directionless.
- Joanie’s head explodes AWESOME! I’m mildly surprised she didn’t survive the movie.
- So every horrible thing that has happened has been a manifestation of their deepest fears brought to life by this alien building that is really an alien children’s toy. As Ray Walston says, “There’s no horror here we don’t create ourselves.” Uh, tentacles just made Joanie’s head explode.
- Yes, Ray Walston is The Master. Didn’t see that coming in the first 2 minutes. Maybe shouldn’t have cast someone with such a distinctive voice.
- I really don’t understand.
- Zombie boobs! Zomboobs?
- One-armed Kung fu!
- Wow this ending is convoluted.
- Who’s da Masta?! Sho ‘Nuff!
- Wow that ended with a thud. Ray Walston passes Mastership to this guy who wishes he was Burt Reynolds and that guy shoots him in the face with lasers.
Is It Actually Scary: It takes your worst fears and manifests them into a pretty lousy movie.
How Much Gore: A galaxy of gore! Pretty much every death in this is gory, from severed limbs to exploding heads to Ray Walston to melted faces and so on. The monster sex was pretty clean, though.
Best Scene: CHACHI’S REVENGE! or JOANIE LOVES DYING!
Worst Scene: The ending lands like a skinned orangutan carcass on the deck of a rotten lobster boat.
Any Nudity: Full nudity during the worm rape, but you’re too confused or stunned by what’s going on to find it sexy, unless that’s your thing, Greg.
Overall: This movie is what we call in my British movie and cocaine club a “strange shit.” Initially you think it’s just an Alien clone, with giant worm creatures attacking the crew and picking them off one by one, which was decent if not terribly original. Then things get strange when Sid Haig’s own crystal ninja stars attack him and a giant bug rapes a heavily oiled up lady, who apparently orgasms to death (which no court can convict you of, by the way—trust me on that one). Then you have the Robert Englund double and Erin Moran killed by wires crushing her and it’s extremely confusing and doesn’t really get explained until the last five minutes and then you’re just like, “Huh. Well that’s dumb.” This film is really just notable for the creature rape scene and the fact that a young James Cameron worked on it as a production assistant (and an even younger Bill Paxton was a set decorator!). There’s some potential here, and a few good death scenes, but overall it just doesn’t work. And I just can’t forgive them for the flashlight backpacks.
Score: 4.5 aggressive snakes playing Dave Matthews (my greatest fear) (out of 10)