In order from best to worst score:
- Hannibal [8 (4/5)]
- Ravenous [8 (4/5)]
- Dead Sushi 
- Bad Taste [6.5]
- Eaten Alive [6 (3/5)]
- Sweeney Todd [6 (3/5)]
- Ice Cream Man [5.5]
- Welcome to Arrow Beach 
- Motel Hell [4.5]
- Terror at the Red Wolf Inn 
- Blood Feast [4 (2/5)]
- Mountain of the Cannibal God [4 (2/5)]
- Blood Diner [3.5]
- Return of the Killer Tomatoes 
- Cannibal Girls 
- The Long Island Cannibal Massacre 
- Attack of the Killer Tomatoes [2.5]
- Cannibal Apocalypse 
- The Forest 
- The Corpse Grinders 
- Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies 
- Cannibal Ferox [2 (1/5)]
- Last Cannibal World [2 (1/5)]
- Massacre in Dinosaur Valley [2 (1/5)]
- The Green Inferno [2 (1/5)]
- The Stuff [1.5 Average]
- The Gingerdead Man 
- Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust 
- Parents 
- Microwave Massacre 
- Rabid Grannies [0.75]
This clip pretty much sums up my response to this year’s Schlocktoberfest:
Speaking of Mis-STEAK, what a year huh? Every day I watched these atrocious bile-inducing, indigestible, pieces of rotten celluloid I had to take an antacid. Speaking of,
So we said we were done with the themes 2 years back. I guess we just love tormenting ourselves. But lousy puns and themes are so hard to pass up that we couldn’t resist the taste of 31 food-related horror films. But as it turns out, this theme is a hard nut to swallow. This is easily the worst Schlocktoberfest I’ve had. Brian thinks the 666 one was the worst and we’re both right. I’m actually jealous of Jim since he easily saw the three best looking flicks on our menu this year. But I passed on Ravenous, Hannibal and Sweeney Todd since I already saw them. But unlike actual dining out, trying something new isn’t always the right way to go. Sometimes comfort food is the way to go—its called comfort food for a reason. Most of my flicks were akin to going to a fast food joint at the wrong seedy side of town and being somewhat enticed by the photographs of the food but you end up with something the cook (or pimple-faced teen) accidentally sat on. I’m beyond nauseous at what I watched this past month so without further ado, Let me finish up…
Most Pleasant Entree (or the one that didn’t give me the runs): If I went by my scores, I’d have to give it to Welcome at Arrow Beach. Although that was as vanilla as they make it. It did have that great photography shoot kill scene though.
Least Pleasant Entree: I want to give this to The Long Island Cannibal Massacre but that movie is so badly made that it’s “So Bad, It’s Good” to me. So I’d have to give it to either of the Gingerdead Man’s.
The Entree That I Should’ve Sent Back: A tie between Cannibal Girls and Return of the Killer Tomatoes. I mean, how easy is it to screw up a horror-comedy? Very easy it seems. I knew my 10-year-old self was going to enjoy Return of the Killer Tomatoes more but I thought it had some redeeming value to me now. But hell nope.
Favorite Villain: I can’t believe I’m saying this but Professor Gangrene played by John Astin from Return of the Killer Tomatoes. It’s Gomez! And he did have some of the jokes that actually made me smile, OK, more like grimace but that’s the best I got for this month.
Best Kill: The Long Island Cannibal Massacre almost got a shot-out here for the lawnmower kill but it wasn’t gory enough. So by default it’s the photoshoot kill scene from Welcome to Arrow Beach.
Runner-up: The shark getting pummeled by Baby John in Terror at the Red Wolf Inn.
Worst Kill: I’m still confused by the kill or whatever it was in the finale for Terror at the Red Wolf Inn. I thought Regina was killed by the old couple but moments later we see them dead in the freezer and some other woman singing a song to Baby John. I looked this up and apparently that was Regina singing and being the new “owner” mom the Red Wolf Inn, seemingly now cooking up human meat to the guests—which makes zero sense in any literary sense.
Character I’d Want to Have Dinner With: By a huge default—George Clooney in Return of the Killer Tomatoes. We don’t even have to speak or eat we can just stare at each other as the world slowly fades away. Sorry, I spaced out there for a moment.
Runner-Up: Karen Mistal also from Return of the Killer Tomatoes.
Character I’d Like to See Cannibals Slowly Eat: Regina from Terror at Red Wolf Inn because she was the most annoying and naive character I’ve ever seen. I can also add that untalented hack Rock Peace from the Killer Tomatoes movies, who is pretty much responsible for that whole franchise as writer and producer. Fuck that asshole.
Tastiest Treats: Brian’s Bad Taste review. I’m a huge fan of Peter Jackson’s earlier stuff and I passed on this one due to the fact that I’ve seen it a ton. Brian initially was bored out of his mind and kept dozing off (as he stated in his review) and I thought he was going to end up hating it but by the time I read his review he warmed up to it and ended up liking it, so that made me feel good.
Jim’s Last Cannibal World. Because that movie is also known as Jungle Holocaust, I also watched it thinking they were two different flicks. So I had a hoot reading his review seeing almost verbatim the same jokes and insights from the both of us. It was like when you get so stinkin’ drunk with a buddy on Jaegermeister and you end up vomiting in tandem in a dank bathroom in a dive bar’s basement.
Who thought of this stupid theme? This may have been the worst year yet, possibly second only to the 666 year. This was a lot like finding a turd in your bowl of turd soup. Let’s never do a theme again. Until next year. Schlocktoberfest NEIN!: German Invasion.
Most Pleasant Entree: Oooooooooooooooof. By default that goes to Dead Sushi, the only picture with a score above the equivalent of a D+.
Least Pleasant Entree: I thought Rabid Grannies could have been a fun cheap demon movie with good gore but it was like putting way too much salt in your turd soup and then pouring the rest of the salt shaker into your eyes.
Most Disappointing Dish: Probably Attack of the Killer Tomatoes because I thought it was going to be a fun fruity romp and it started out funny but went downhill faster that an avalanche made out of watery store-brand ketchup.
Runner-up: Blood Diner, which I heard was a bit of a gem, and it turned out to be a bit of a clump of dirt that’s really dried goose shit.
Favorite Villain: Gotta give it to my boy Clint Howard as Himself in Ice Cream Man. He puts the hard in hard pack!
Runners-up: Tuna Man from Dead Sushi; the aliens from Bad Taste; Balbricker from Motel Hell.
Best Kill: Derek chainsawing through the head alien’s whole body and out his butthole in Bad Taste, which reminded me of the time I woke up during a colonoscopy.
Runners-up: David Naughton’s head on a cone in Ice Cream Man; the fiery sushi head explosion in Dead Sushi; George getting eaten by Sheetar’s monster stomach mouth in Blood Diner.
Worst Kill: Donald’s offscreen heart episode in Microwave Massacre.
Runner-up: The knife in that annoying girl’s head that was set off by a mechanism that we didn’t see in The Gingerdead Man.
Character I’d Want to Have Dinner With: Keiko from Dead Sushi in the biggest landslide since Stevie Nicks weighed over 300 pounds.
Character I’d Like to See Cannibals Slowly Eat: Hands down Jeff from The Video Dead. Yeah that was seven years ago but I still hate him. This year, without question Michael Moriarty and whatever his character’s name was in The Stuff. How he doesn’t sweep The Razzies every time he talks on the phone is a mystery to me.
Runner-up: George from Blood Diner; The Gingerdead Man; the priest from Rabid Grannies; maybe just the back of Derek’s head from Bad Taste.
Best-Smelling Special Effects: All of the gore that was done in a loving and painstaking way in Bad Taste.
Runner-up: The inadvertent helicopter crash in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
Worst-Smelling Special Effects: All of the tomatoes in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, which were just rotten.
Runners-up: The poor CGI in Dead Sushi; The Gingerdead Man.
Greasiest Sound Design: Every syllable of dialogue in Rabid Grannies.
Most Mouth-Watering Food: The regular sushi that didn’t have teeth to rip your face off in Dead Sushi.
Other courses: I guess some of the dinners in Parents didn’t look too bad; Farmer Vincent’s smoked meats in Motel Hell.
Least-Appetizing Food: The passionate sharing of the egg yolk from Dead Sushi, which is the most disgusting scene ever put to film and is so bad that it narrowly beats out the vomit soup from Bad Taste, which was all Peter Jackson could afford to give his crew during filming.
Other courses: The eyes cream from Ice Cream Man; The Stuff.
Best Line: “Things have reached a point where they no longer make any sense!” from Dead Sushi, which sums my life up pretty nicely.
Tastiest Treats: Brad’s The Gingerdead Man 2 review because we watched it as a double feature with the first one and it was possibly the worst night of our entire lives but we persevered and came out of it stronger than ever.
[Brad: Did we?]
Jim’s The Green Inferno review because it was fascinating to see the culmination of a man slowly going mad from watching a month’s worth of awful cannibal films. We eat his eyes in tribute.
Welcome to the Schlocktoberfest 8te Fine Dining Re-Cap, where bad movies are paired with the general theme of eating; and end up complimenting each other rather well I thought. Let’s get right to the meal shall we? But first, some disclaimers:
- Consuming raw or undercooked jungle explorers or animal products may increase your risk of food-borne illness.
- 60% gratuity will be added to parties of 3 or more.
- No substitutions or modifications no matter how much you scream.
- Menu items are subject to change. If you have a movie allergy please speak to the manager or your server.
Now that we have that settled,
Mesdames et Messieurs, if I may…
First Course: Hors d’oeuvre (Canapés à l`Amiral and Oysters à la Russe)
Most Pleasant Surprise: Without a doubt – Ravenous. Brad told me about this flick a few years ago, and it regretfully fell far back into the queue. I’m glad that this year’s theme brought it to light, a really great film.
Second Course – Soups (Consommé or Cream of Barley)
Most Disappointing Movie: Oh dear, I think it would have to be The Stuff. Upon receiving the news of our eighth year being food related way back when, I’m pretty sure I can be quoted as saying, “Well, we obviously have to do The Stuff for our triple review.” So yeah…sorry about that.
Third Course – Fish (Poached salmon with mousseline sauce)
Favorite Villain: If not based on his hi jinks and solely on his name, Fuad Ramses from Blood Feast. What a grade-A kook who turned out to be a B-grade cook.
Fourth Course – Entrées (Filet mignon, chicken Lyonnaise, and vegetable marrow)
Favorite Final Girl: Not a final girl in the strictest sense, but she deserves a mention ‘cause she’s awesome – Julianne Moore from Hannibal. Clarice technically was the last girl standing after Hannibal’s escape so maybe I’m justified more than I thought.
Fifth Course – Removes (Lamb with mint sauce, Calvados-glazed roast duckling with applesauce, roast sirloin of beef forestiére, Château potatoes, minted green pea timbales, creamed carrots, boiled rice, parmentier and boiled new potatoes.)
Best Kill: Jonah’s dismemberment, beheading and inevitable death from The Green Inferno. Nicotero and Berger’s effects were the only thing that made Roth’s contribution to the cannibal genre worth watching.
Sixth Course – Punch Romaine or Sorbet
A Scene I Really Wish I Could Forget: This one definitely goes to that rapscallion from Mountain of the Cannibal God, who got so drunk on the saliva of the girls in his tribe; that he ended up fucking a pig. Have you ever been that drunk?
Seventh Course – Roast (roasted squab on wilted cress)
Best Rush Reference: I somehow managed to shoehorn in Tom Sawyer from Rush’s seminal album Moving Pictures into my review of Massacre In Dinosaur Valley. This was another shit movie that could only be mentioned because of a reference to my favorite band. So that should tell you something, I don’t know what – but something.
Eighth Course – Salad (Asparagus salad with champagne–saffron vinaigrette).
Best Soundtrack: Will have to go to Sweeney Todd. Granted it wasn’t Danny Elfman, but it worked nonetheless. The only problem is I invariably get “Pretty Women” stuck in my head for a day or two, and the only way to get it out is with a freakin’ bullet!
Ninth Course – Cold Dish (Pâté de foie gras & celery)
Most Deserving Death: Mike from Cannibal Ferox. Here is a prime example of a rotten prick you just cannot wait to be digested by indigenous peoples; and said peoples look like they eat a lot of rotten prick. Hiyo! Tip your waitress everyone; I’ll be here all weekend.
Tenth Course – Sweets (Waldorf pudding, Peaches in chartreuse jelly, chocolate éclairs with French vanilla ice cream)
Best Nude Scene: Even though she will be placed second in the Ms. Schlocktoberfest 2018 pageant, Me Me Lai’s near constant nudity in Jungle Holocaust is enough to make anyone risk running around the jungle naked as long as she’s by your side. Just pack plenty of anti-venom and calamine lotion.
Eleventh Course – Dessert (Assorted fresh fruits and cheeses)
I Like To Mention Each Movie I Did At Least Once So Here’s Its Entry: Eaten Alive was easily the best out of all the old-school cannibal flicks. With its undertone of The Jonestown Massacre combined with Mei Mei Lai and Robert Kerman as the protagonists; you end up with a cannibal flick that actually delivers. It was one of the few movies this month where I wasn’t constantly looking at the time remaining.
After Dinner – (Coffee, port, cordials and cigars)
Best Cannibal Movie Hero Named Robert Kerman: Goes to, oddly enough – Robert Kerman. I had no idea that the very fulcrum of Italian cannibal movies was hinged upon the guy from Debbie Does Dallas. Some say heroes are hard to find – well that’s because you don’t look hard enough.
Favorite Joke I Wrote This Year (An Exercise In Self-Indulgence): When I said that Mountain Of The Cannibal God drags more than RuPaul, I thought that was damn funny.
Ms. Schlocktoberfest 2018: I’m going to give out 3 ribbons this year: Suzanne Carvalho (Massacre In Dinosaur Valley), Me Me Lai (Eaten Alive & Jungle Holocaust), and Ursula Andress (Mountain of the Cannibal God).
My compliments to the chefs: Brad’s review of Cannibal Girls, (who would have thought that 1/4 of SCTV and the director of Ghostbusters would make such a lousy horror film) and Brian’s Motel Hell, (because I’m still pissed at myself for not choosing that movie for my reviews.)
Check Please: …or Lobster Thermidor au Crevette with a Mornay sauce served in a Provençale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and Spam.
There. Had to get that out of my system. I can proceed now.
I was quite skeptical when I heard the news that our eighth year of Schlocktoberfest was to be a food theme, but as I said earlier I thought it ended up working out pretty damn good. This year however, did end up providing me with some of the worst movies I’ve reviewed so far. Looking back at my scores, there were so many ones that I thought I was watching porn in binary. Well, I see no need to try and top that image so I’ll be off.
Digestif: We thank you for dining with us this evening, and hope you enjoyed your meal. If there won’t be anything else, let’s get you saddled up. Please come back and dine with us again next year.
Oh, and before you leave…