Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1979)
What’s on the Menu: For reasons that aren’t clear and don’t matter, tomatoes start attacking people and there are quips and sight gags and about five are funny.
Here are some of my observations as I dined:
- Why is there one whole tomato in the sink when this woman is washing dishes?
- What exactly did the tomato do to her? Do I want to know? I feel America has the right to know.
- If nothing else, this movie has a pretty kickass theme song, even though they ripped it off from Pinky and the Brain.
- I really didn’t know what to expect from this movie at all, I had no idea it was a total spoof like Student Bodies. And it’s really hard writing funny notes for absurd comedies. But it’s surprisingly kind of funny so far.
- I love the scene were two grandparents look on with indifference as a tomato eats their grandson offscreen. It reminds me of many Christmas Eves with my paternal grandparents. although I wasn’t eaten by tomatoes, my grandmother did pass away without sharing her strawberry-rhubarb pie recipe, which is worse in my opinion.
- Holy ketchupshit! There’s a scene where police are facing off against a field of tomatoes, and a police helicopter legit crashes. That is so awesome. Here’s a bit about that from IMDb:
The helicopter crash in the early scenes was unintentional. The tail rotor blades accidentally hit the ground, causing the helicopter to spin out of control. Debris and the top rotor blades narrowly missed the police officers in the scene and the crew off camera. The pilot received minor injuries. After being pulled from the wreck, Jack Riley and George Wilson quickly ad-libbed the rest of the scene as the wreck was set on fire. The crash of the $60,000 rented helicopter used up more of the budget than all other aspects of the film combined.
- They explain that a tomato hurled itself at the helicopter and made it crash, which is a good way of incorporating that massive fuck-up into the movie.
- The main protagonist is named Mason Dixon, just like Rocky’s opponent in Rocky Balboa. When I watched Rocky Balboa, I thought Mason “The Line” Dixon was the dumbest character name I’d ever heard. And I was right.
- Mason Dixon looks like John Belushi’s much less successful younger brother. If only a person like that actually existed.
- I know this is parody but why would you need a swimming expert and an underwater expert on your strike team? The underwater guy can swim, right?
- The noise the tomatoes make is pretty adorable. Like when Shakma screams.
- So there is a series of scenes of people with tomatoes rolling near them in between some scenes of the government talking about the tomatoes, all strung together by puns and sight gags, with wildly varying degrees of hilarity. It’s just stupid, and not funny enough to be in a good way.
- A clear shot of San Francisco with a title that says New York. That gag never gets old.
- I was afraid of this. 80% of the funniest jokes were in the first 10 minutes. Much like all of my posts. See? I’m halfway through this entry and I’ve run completely dry.
- There’s a random musical number with an ad agency guy. It’s painfully unfunny and I have no idea what’s going on.
- This has pretty much ceased being remotely horror-related.
- Please don’t sing again.
- I haven’t been this bored since my daughter’s dance recital.
- For some reason there’s now a masked man shooting people. I don’t understand what this has to do with anything!
- Oh god they’re singing again. I’ve heard funnier songs on the Philadelphia soundtrack.
- For a movie called Attack of the Killer Tomatoes there isn’t a lot of killer tomatoes attacking.
- Finally a giant tomato battle with the Army that lasts 90 seconds. I mean, I know the budget for this was $17 and ran way over because of the helicopter incident, but aside from that it’s flat and lifeless, like my girlfriend at the morgue.
- I am so sick of this asshole and his fucking parachute.
- This movie just makes me wish I was watching old episodes of Police Squad!
- Ok, so the Press Secretary is the masked shooter and is behind the whole tomato thing I guess and nobody cares.
- There’s a showdown at a baseball stadium and it’s as fun as a Tuesday afternoon Miami Marlins game. By the way a song called “Puberty Love” seems to negatively affect the tomatoes, just like this movie has negatively affected my life. Anyway, the fucking parachute guy and a bunch of random people in costumes stomp the tomatoes to death, kind of like the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont.
- Oh good! Mason Dixon and his love interest, reporter Ms. Fairchild, get together at the end! Oh, did I not mention her? Probably because she’s introduced, has one or two meaningless scenes, then disappears until the end when she’s suddenly at the stadium. It’s all about as interesting as watching a cow eating grass.
Is It Actually Palatable: If you don’t care for the taste of tomatoes you probably won’t care for the taste of this movie, and if you love tomatoes you’ll also not care for it.
Scariest Entree: This is a comedy. We shouldn’t have watched this, and I’m sorry.
Is It Raw and Bloody: Just some pulp and seeds.
Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: The tomatoes show a lot of skin, if you find that a-peeling.
Most Delectable Line: After the helicopter crash, one suit asks another, “How bad is it? (meaning the tomato attack)” and the response, “Well sir, I definitely don’t think it will fly again.”
Most Delicious Scene: I think this is pretty much the last of the good jokes.
Most Flavorless Scene: Any time they break into a musical number, which are more lame than a dead horse with four broken legs. I mentioned how painful the one about marketing was, but here’s one by the Army, which should be considered treason.
Overall: So basically this movie should have been just an extended trailer like something you would see in the middle of Kentucky Fried Movie or Amazon Women on the Moon. They had some funny gags but ran out of steam really quickly. You could just watch a two-minute video that compiles all the funny parts, but no one has given enough of a shit to make that video, and likely never will. I did find a 9 1/2-minute video (see below) that basically covers all the “plot” but doesn’t really include any gags, which is the only reason to watch any part of this movie in the first place.
Score: 2.5 Wait This Isn’t the One with George Clooney?s (out of 10)