Student Bodies (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: We’re doing our annual triple review and keeping it light with the first horror-comedy in the middle of the slasher boom of the early eighties

Here are some of our observations as we watched the film:

• BRAD: The film opens up with titles stating: “Last year 26 horror movies were released…None of them lost money.” None of them lost money? Are they sure? What about the Canadian ones?
• BRIAN: Wow Krysten Ritter has been making movies this long?
• BRAD: Not a good sign when the producer is credited as Allen Smithee.
• BRIAN: So I remember loving this as a kid and my sister and I talking about The Breather, and I totally thought it was Class Reunion I was remembering of. Then I watched it and no Breather. Then I stumbled upon the trailer for this recently, and Breather! I think I mashed up Student Bodies and Class Reunion in my head to make one movie that didn’t suck as much as the two separate movies.
• JIM: For years I was under the impression that the voice of The Breather was Richard Belzer. Some say he was, some say he wasn’t and Belz himself says that it is definitely his voice over the phone – but due to drug use he doesn’t remember making the movie.
• JIM: I think they should really pick a holiday here.
• JIM: Did somebody step on a duck for real?
• JIM: Mail slot gag = brilliance.
• JIM: Christ, even the lame jokes are killing.
• BRAD: I think the director has a foot or shoe fetish.
• BRIAN: Dr. Pepper: David Naughton reference?

• BRAD: Great. Now I have that jingle stuck in my head.
• BRIAN: Jack Daniel’s: Janis Joplin reference?
• BRAD: Isn’t it odd that the kitchen has a Jack Daniel’s poster?
• BRAD: A fart joke this early in the film? A dog fart joke to boot.
• BRIAN: I hope that was drool cumming out of the phone.
• JIM: The drool oozing out of the phone can easily be interpreted as a different bodily fluid. I wanted to make a more off-color joke here, but unlike the phone nothing came. Wait, what?
• JIM: That was a lot of product placement for 1981.
• BRIAN: Wow that might be a record for product placement in one refrigerator.
• JIM: Was that guy actually sucking on that girl’s hair?
• JIM: This douche bag looks like George Thorogood’s younger brother.
• BRAD: He kinda resembles whoever plays Jonah from Veep mixed with a young Bill Paxton.
• BRIAN: Ha! I definitely remember the paperclip as a murder weapon. And that’s about all.
• JIM: The jokes in this movie are very Airplane-esque. I guess that’s why most of them work.
• BRAD: The Zucker Brothers should sue!
• BRAD: My wife hasn’t “responded to my maleness” in 12 years.
• BRAD: “I hope she wasn’t murdered in our bed” is pretty much what I say most nights
• BRAD: Not to nitpick but why was there a rubber band on top of the fridge?
• BRAD: I want Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” playing at my funeral service too.
• JIM: I bet the fact that the band was playing “Ode To Joy” at the funeral was lost on most people.
• BRAD: I wonder if South Park “borrowed” the two arguing handicap people gag.
• BRAD: “Physical beauty can be a handicap too.” Boy, do I know.
• JIM: I think we should add the body count and clue ticker to the original Halloween.
• BRAD: Again not to nitpick but earlier it stated “Body Count” and now it just says “Dead.” I’m just a stickler for consistency.

• BRAD: “We must remember the 3 P’s. No police, no publicity and no pasta!!” Hahahaha.
• JIM: This movie very nearly inspired me to make horse head bookends in Industrial Arts (shop) class. Do they even have that in school anymore?
• BRAD: I wish my high school offered Wood Shop as an elective. Well maybe it did. I don’t remember.
• JIM: I knew a guy in high school that was kinda like The Breather.
• BRAD: Is this African student joke going to go anywhere? Probably not. I mean, I hope not, that would be uncomfortable.
• BRAD: The shop teacher just told the African exchange student that he’s late for the school year because it’s the last day in June. A. The film said that the date in the beginning was (jokingly) Friday the 13th in October, Halloween. B. What school is still in session on the last day of June? And C. Why are they just now making Horse-head bookends on the last day of June? Am I asking too many questions?
• BRAD: “TALKING?! During Horse-head bookends?!”

• BRIAN: The girl arguing with the girl about how she is much more attractive than the “beautiful” girl.
• BRAD: Did his mommy really tell him not “taking it out of his pants?” That’s hysterical in of itself.
• BRIAN: I don’t remember the Breather being this fucking annoying.
• BRAD: Probably because we’re not 12 anymore.
• BRAD: “Hasn’t there been enough senseless killings? Let’s have a murder that makes sense.”
• JIM: Barry The Boy-Queen Candidate. No one writes like that anymore.
• BRAD: Who invited the parade anyway? Whoever it was he/she must’ve been a lousy human being.
• JIM: Killing a black girl with an eggplant? There’s a flag on the play.
• BRAD: Is it just me or does this film look way older than 1981?
• JIM: The scene with the announcer explaining an R rating should be in the same pantheon with the steady-cam shot from Goodfellas.
• BRAD: I’d prefer more full frontal nudity. Thanks.
• BRAD: And this joke is moot since they added PG-13 since.
• JIM: It’s not easy poking fun at a movie that was written by a guy who wrote for Carson, Allen, Caesar, and Martin. Not like any of you out there know who I’m talking about.
• BRAD: Everyone is so pale in this flick. It’s like a Scandinavian Vampire movie.
• JIM: “Sometimes Malvert pee red” should be a t-shirt.

• BRAD: More product placement, this time Coors Light. Double silly since it’s a T-shirt on what I’m assuming is the police chief instead of a standard police uniform. He’s wearing a heavy flannel over the T-shirt with a straw cowboy hat. Kinda looks like David Koechner.
• JIM: The fact that most of these actors never did another film is not that much of a shock.
• BRAD: Why does the calendar say March? Is that a mistake or a gag or am I caring too much?
• BRAD: “No. I just said click!” I just find that funny is all.
• JIM: The recurring breathing phone gag is hysterical.
• BRAD: Yeah I wish I saw this when I was younger so I can always tease them when I called them by do the heavy breathing when my friends picked up the phone. But I really didn’t have any friends.
• BRAD: Some of these other gags could use some ZAZ polishing actually.
• BRAD: I think I want to date this girl after hearing her describe sex.
• BRAD: OK, the wiping away tears with everything other than a tissue is getting old.
• BRAD: Decent Hamlet joke actually.
• BRAD: The two handicap fellas being best friends and trying to help each other is getting quite amusing actually.
• BRAD: Was this shot in reverse on purpose or is it just a sight gag that doesn’t land? YOU DECIDE!

• BRAD: The shop teacher fixing his crew cut with a wood plane is great. The student throwing a tomato at the intercom and it hitting the principal…not so funny.
• BRIAN: For some reason the psychiatrist checking himself out in the mirror with his suit on backwards was hysterical to me. 
• BRAD: Did that old lady just say, “Homosexuality is the up-and-coming thing?”
• JIM: This football game isn’t quite as funny as the one from M*A*S*H, but it gets an A for effort.
• BRAD: The “call it in the air” coin toss and the big Black guy catching the coin and saying, “MINE!” was genius. Add to that, that the opposing team is little kids is icing on the cake.
• BRAD: Red Hots?! No one in 1980 called Hot Dogs Red Hots.
• BRAD: Another Coors Light T-shirt! And a hat! Is this film sponsored by Coors?
• BRIAN: Seriously what is with the Dr. Pepper?
• BRAD: And NIKE! C’mon this is a high school football game! My high school football games weren’t sponsored by corporations. Well actually I never went to any of my high school football games so I’m really not so sure.
• BRAD: I’m probably overthinking that the name of the high school LAMAB is some sort of joke. But I’m either too tired or drunk or indifferent to care. All I know is I don’t get it.
• BRAD: Garbage gets me hot too.
• BRAD: I commend this spoof for attempting this murder mystery angle but I’m just not caring at all about guessing it.
• JIM: Who didn’t see the dead body 15 yard penalty joke coming a mile away?
• BRAD: Sheesh. Even the football referees are wearing Coors Light hats!

• JIM: Could this shit actor dead on the gurney move his eyes and hands a little more?
• BRAD: You know for a genre spoof, it sure is lacking in decent sight gags.
• BRIAN: Honestly I’ve never been as scared of anything as I am of this motherfucker’s arms.
• BRAD: Exception for the dead? This movie may be a comedy but it makes some fine points.
• BRIAN: This dead guy can barely keep his eyes closed. 
• BRAD: I take it back. The “No. I just said click” gag is kinda stupid.
• BRAD: That fart gag didn’t make a lick of sense. The dead guy farts so much that they go in the opposite direction of his ass.
• BRAD: This Breather/ASL gag is pointless.
• BRAD: I hate to admit it but Toby in the hooker disguise is kinda hot.
• JIM: You wouldn’t think so, but the balloons in the boobs squeaking gag is funny every time.
• BRIAN: Toby in this Grease costume is damn near as hot as our old friend Tanya Roberts. 
• BRAD: Toby kinda reminds me of Eleven from Stranger Things, who is the spitting image of a young Elizabeth Perkins.
• BRIAN: Pat Benatar??
• BRAD: Besides Toby, I don’t know any of the other characters names. Could be the booze though.
• BRIAN: Malvert looks like if Bigfoot fucked a bowl of spaghetti.
• BRAD: Toby also kinda reminds me of 80s porn star Shauna Grant with that wig on. Man, that’s a lot of resemblances for one mediocre actress in a mediocre 80s spoof.
• BRAD: Malvert is a national treasure. It’s such a shame he was in only one movie in his whole life (and 1 episode of Out of Control). Fun fact: when he dies at the ripe old age of 48 of a heart attack, his sister donated his body to science.

• BRAD: What the hell? It’s been like 15 minutes since the last Coors Light reference!
• BRAD: The ROTC fella actually has a Sgt. Chevron tattooed on his arm. Funny.
• JIM: I was about to make the same Godfather joke, but another shit actor beat me to it.
• BRAD: Strange joke actually. Because its genuinely clever and could fit in any movie.
• BRIAN: OK this wood shop scene has gone on entirely too long. I don’t cedar point.
• JIM: The ROTC guy was going to fuck his girlfriend’s dead body? Now this gets edgy?
• BRAD: Haha. Even his condom has the Chevron on it.
• BRAD: “Hey! I’m trying to get laid here!” Probably the funniest Schlocktoberfest quote yet.
• JIM: The movie’s kinda running out of funny now.
• BRAD: I’m actually getting quite bored now.
• BRAD: He’s literally NOT naked.
• BRAD: I haven’t been counting but it’s been like 9 minutes since the last time anything really funny happened. Did the writers quit after the Prom scene?
• BRAD: It was hard to see there with the crappy film stock they used in the low lighting but when the principal slipped on the marbles, he impaled his dick with the trophy. Just letting you know.
• BRIAN: I’ve had nothing to say for quite a while.
• BRAD: This spoof is getting less funny or poignant by the minute.
• JIM: Did David Lynch direct this chase scene? The fuck is this?
• BRAD: I’m really lost as to what the flick is trying to convey with its nightmare visuals at this point. It’s like the film is trying to be a legitimate horror movie now.
• JIM: Wow. A real stunt.
• BRAD: I find it weird that nothing funny has happened it a very long time. That stunt didn’t have anything remotely funny going for it. Lame for a spoof flick. And what happened to all the Coors, Dr. Pepper, & Nike product placements?
• JIM: The Wizard Of Oz waking up gag kinda worked.
• BRAD: “I will always be your French teacher.” Brilliant.
• JIM: Swine flu was a thing in the early eighties?
• BRAD: I’ve been trying to warn the ladies that sexual repression causes the Swine Flu but they never believe me!
• JIM: The Carrie ending complete with arm coming up out the grave happens and boom! That’s it for Schlocktoberfest 2017.
• BRAD: In previous Schlocktoberfest’s there’s been better spoofs of the horror genre. Unintentionally of course.

Scare Level: JIM: Ha ha no, not at all.

BRIAN: TERRIFYING!!!!

BRAD: Malvert’s double-jointism was actually unnerving sometimes.

Gore Level: JIM: None.

BRIAN: None whatsoever, except for blood on the horsehead bookend.

BRAD: Hard to maim someone with a paper clip or an eggplant.

Nudity Level: JIM: Zilch

BRIAN: Zero, which should have been a cornerstone in a horror movie parody. At least there’s Toby’s cleavage.

BRAD: Toby claimed that Principal Peters was naked but he still had his incredibly large boxers on.

Best Line: JIM: An absolute shit-load, here are some of my favorites – “I’d like to kill the kid with the gum!” “Nurse Krud and Ms. Van Dyke. What’s in a name? Everything.” “Did you hang up? No, I just said ‘click’.” “Remember: no police, no publicity, and no pasta.” “Talking? During horse head bookends?”

BRIAN: Principal Peters: “To me, to look down on the corpses of two former students is very painful, and I bet it’s no picnic for their parents, either.”

BRAD: “Hey! I’m trying to get laid here!”

Best Scene: JIM: I’d go with the football game; there were some decent laughs there.

BRIAN: Anything to do with Malvert. Mostly when he tries to steal the principal’s keys since his body does things that should have been enough to get this movie an R rating.

BRAD: I agree with Jim about the Football game. Lots of clever and decent gags. However, they were mostly about football and not about, you know, a horror movie, which was the point of this spoof.

Worst Scene: JIM: The ending could have lost 10 minutes or so in the editing room, however this movie is only 86 minutes long so I’m guessing it could have been worse.

BRIAN: Everything after the prom is even more of a slog than what came before it. 

BRAD: Yeah, after Toby is confronted by Principal Peters in his office after the prom the film’s comedy comes to a grinding halt. It’s literally like they filmed that first with the intention of making a real horror flick and then decided to film everything else as a spoof. Ponderous.

Overall: JIM: This is another one of my all time favorites so it’s hard to shit on. I don’t remember seeing this at Blockbuster, but we wore out the copy from our local independent video store. It was quoted often in the old neighborhood, and Crom help you if you ever drank anything red in our presence.

Score: 9.5 Horse Head Bookends (out of 10)

BRIAN: There are a couple of chortles to be had, maybe even a guffaw or two, but overall it’s pretty dull, and a lot of the jokes fall flatter than a turtle’s tits. You can watch it if you don’t have anything better to do on Halloween, I guess. 

Score: 7 Coors Lights (out of 10)