Schlocktoberfest VII – Day 30: The Last Horror Film

The Last Horror Film (1982)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Another trippy Joe Spinell slasher mess of a film.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

It can’t be a good sign if Troma puts a disclaimer before the movie.
There are tits onscreen within the first six seconds.
Vinny is introduced to us while he’s jerking off in a theater. Not to a porno mind you, a horror movie – c’mon Vincenzo, standards.
So far, this looks like a shit version of Mean Streets.
This song is a truly awful knock-off of Supertramp’s Dreamer.
Is Vinny trying to emote here, or is he talking through a burp?
Getting this out of the way early: this film was seized but not prosecuted – therefore not a true Video Nasty in the strictest sense. Just wanted to clear that up for the two (if lucky) people out there who remotely give a shit.
There were some really great classics at Cannes in 1981.
There is a very quick shot of a very beautiful topless woman laying down in front of a 4 or 5 year old child who is taking pictures of her. I know this is Europe in the early eighties, but still.
Much like sweetbreads, Mahler, and fondue, Joe Spinell is an acquired taste and not for everyone.
That radio report detailing Reagan’s assassination attempt with all of the Hinkley/ Foster drama as the driving highlight, can either be foreshadowing or backstory at this point.
There’s a Whiskey-A-Go-Go in France?
Vinny gets turned away at the door of the Disco, but have no fear Cannibal Holocaust is playing at the Star Theater down the street.
There are so many fucking fantasy/dream sequences in this movie – if they were on roller skates it’d be Xanadu.
There isn’t a more famous murder scene in a shower is there?
Most of these shots of the beach look like a Sunkist or a Juicy Fruit commercial.
Those goddamn Broccoli’s knew how to promote a Bond film at Cannes, bless ‘em.
Guys with blonde hair and dark brown mustaches are fucking creeps.
Vinny’s mother, I have to say, is the most intriguing character in this shit-fest.
This soundtrack is chock full of shitty knock-offs – the song playing now sounds like Styx’s Renegade with aids.
Again with the Hinkley/Foster/Reagan shit. They even got eighties quasi-icon Robin Leach to talk about it at Jana’s press conference.
OK, the shot of Vinny feeling himself up in just his underwear while images of Jana were projected on his more than ample stomach have just made me sterile.
If Spinell is Earth’s last hope – we are truly fucked.
Whoever the music director was for this film, I can only hope died painfully.
Stanley’s ideas for a romantic and fun-filled date suck.
I really wish I chose a better movie to close out the year on – this is truly awful.
Aside from her appearance in the video for Goody Two Shoes, this might be Munro’s finest performance.

I remember watching The Golden Voyage of Sinbad as a youth and trying to use The Force to make Munro bust out of her top – I’m having déjà vu now as she runs around the streets of Cannes in nothing but a towel.
Speaking of, would someone please get Ms. Munro some slippers? She’s gonna fucking get ringworm.
This High Wire song makes me want to leap to my death from one.
This movie is easily twenty minutes too long.
Vinny carries Jana away like we’re headed for some sort of King Kong ending.
Vinny is now dressed up as Dracula with all 10 of his fingernails painted a dainty red. Pardon me whilst I lose my dinner…
Why would Dracula pound a wooden stake through a woman’s heart?
It was the ex-husband Bret who was the killer all along! Who gives a shit.
Vinny really gives Bret what for by cutting off his arm and his head with a chainsaw. Try to frame me for this whole thing will ya? I think fucking not.
Oh my! This whole thing was a movie and none of it was real. Vinny really did go to Cannes to make a horror movie, and we were basically in the screening room with him this whole time. Who’s up for chicken and waffles?
A cute shout out happens with Vinny in the screening room describing the next movie he wants to make to his mother. He basically describes the plot of Starcrash, which makes his mother’s request for a joint all the more reasonable.
With that kind of competition, your “consider me” gifts to the critics better be outstanding.

Scare Level: Too stupid to be scary.

Gore Level: Beheadings, dismemberment, gunshots to the cabeza, and headers off of French castles.

Nudity Level: A very impressive sampling of topless women along the beach of Cannes.

Best Line: “I made baked macaroni, you don’t eat right. You need more protein so you wouldn’t have to think of those crazy ideas.” Nothing grounds you more than your Italian mom while making you food.

Best Scene: Can’t think of one.

Worst Scene: Any of Vinny’s fantasy/dreaming scenes.

Overall: After Starcrash and Maniac came this opus. This was one of many movies from my old days that I really was psyched for when it hit DVD, only to be crushed with disappointment upon viewing. This movie never made it to the theaters it went straight to VHS in 1984 and I didn’t get to see it until Troma released it in 2009. Was it worth the wait? No.

Guess what folks, that’s Schlocktoberfest 2017, and I…am…outta here.