Schlocktoberfest VIII – Day 10: Rabid Grannies

Schlocktoberfest-8a

Rabid Grannies (1988)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

rabid grannies coverWhat’s on the Menu: Two old maids have a family dinner at their lavish mansion and they drink some kind of potion that turns them into monsters so it’s not unlike every family dinner you’ve ever had.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

  • Priests? This movie is creeping me out already. 
  • We all know Troma, they make tons of schlock, and it should be a revered movie studio by those of us who love schlock, but most of their pictures are pretty much unwatchable. There are a few decent ones like Redneck Zombies and Toxic Avenger, but for the most part it’s total shit, and not in a good way. It’s a real shame. I had a job interview in their New York City office out of college, but it paid less than what taking the train in every day would cost. But still, it would have been cool.  Maybe.
  • Seems like this was filmed in France and the cast has French names and I DON’T CARE FOR IT. Or maybe it’s Belgium. Either way.
  • But all the characters have English accents. I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed: Unity lately and it’s set in Paris in the late 18th Century and all the characters in that also had English accents and it doesn’t really matter but I think this movie will be really boring so I may just talk about video games from time to time. 
  • So people are talking but I’m not really picking up a word of it. Everyone seems to be going to a family dinner and let’s just get on with it. 
  • This movie is an hour and 28 minutes and that’s going to be wayyyyy too long.
  • Seriously I’m like incapable of following what’s being said. Mostly because I don’t feel like paying attention. This is going to be an amazing review so get ready to have your socks blown right the fuck out of your mouth.
  • How about I just devour my own fucking head instead of watching the rest of this? Just fucking gobble it right up until there’s nothing but blood and darkness?

    tumblr_pd9zd35aFW1ue779no1_400

    Kind of…

  • When I watched Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, I thought it was ok, but got boring quick. Then I watched The Gingerdead Man, and I thought it couldn’t get much worse. Then I watched Parents, and I was proven wrong. Now I’m watching Rabid Grannies, and I’ve sunk to depths so low that I’m looking up at a Morlock’s dirty scrotum. 
  • Half a boob. Well there’s that. 
  • I guess a witch brings a potion for the cook to put into the meal for the old biddies who own the house where the family dinner is taking place. I’m not sure who the witch is exactly because I still can’t hear anything. I don’t think they bothered with closed captioning either.

    rabid-grannies-1988-monsters-review-600x300

    Here are the Rabid Grannies in question. They kind of look like The Gingerdead Man, and now I’m even more saddened.

  • I should’ve just watch Willy Wonka. That’s pretty much a horror movie about food where multiple children die and there’s a terror tunnel. 
  • I haven’t paid less attention to a movie since Transformers 2, when I went to the bathroom in the middle and wandered around the lobby for a while. I think after the part where they go to the National Air and Space Museum in DC and they open the doors to a desert. 
  • I’ve never had a stronger urge to fast-forward until the last 10 minutes. I guarantee I won’t miss anything. 
  • I started playing The Witcher III and it’s a good game but I just can’t really get into it. I’m just not a medieval fantasy kind of 13-year-old boy. Maybe I’ll give it another shot while I wait for Red Dead Redemption 2 to come out. I’m looking forward to that game even more than I’m looking forward to the end credits of Rabid Grannies
  • It’s funny, I haven’t posted much at all this year, mostly because my new job keeps me really busy and also because I’ve done more than 1,000 posts over the years and I’m just kind of burned out on it, but we always look forward to Schlocktoberfest, and it’s why this site even exists in the first place, and I waste my time with absolute fucking garbage like this. But I still love it and all four of our readers. 
  • Finally, the old biddies drink the potion and turn into like demons I guess and swallow a lady whole. This lasts 15 seconds then we go back to people talking in a room.

    rabid grannies 2

    Get the fuck out of here.

  • The Rabid Grannies are actually called Aunties, and aren’t rabid but demons? I guess Demon Aunties wasn’t as punchy a title. 
  • Also, they’ve eaten one person. This doesn’t really qualify under our food theme. Fuck it!
  • I would assume it can’t get much worse than this, but I still have to watch Microwave Massacre
  • I’m sorry, am I not describing the movie? That’s because nothing interesting has happened so far. And there’s still 40 minutes to go. 
  • I just want to go to sleep. 
  • By the way there’s a CONSTANT wind noise in the background no matter if they’re outside or in a bedroom or down in the cellar. There would probably be a wind noise if they somehow found their way to the center of the Earth and there was one of those soundproof rooms there where you can hear your own heartbeat.
  • Not sure why they can’t get out a window. But, you know, eat them all, I don’t care.
  • The cook had her face burned off in a big pot of soup, so maybe that’s a food-related thing? Sure. Maybe all the dialogue has been about food so far but the fuck if I know. 
  • So this guy was talking about how they can’t go outside because there’s magic on the door or something, then he goes outside to his car and gets a shotgun out of the trunk. I’m going to just take a nap for 20 minutes. Or I’ll just watch this some more:

  • So the “Rabid” “Grannies” have cornered this cowardly priest and they’re just yelling at him and I seriously have zero idea what they’re talking about or even the words they’re saying. Then he shoots himself. I’m envious. 
  • I pray to Shiva, let me die. But I do not.
  • So the survivors destroy the box the poison came in and the Rabid Grannies are back to normal. That’s just swell. 
  • Then the woman who smashed the box is in a cab and goes Rabid and kills the driver and the movie just sort of mercifully ends. 

Is It Actually Palatable: My family visited us in July and my granny broke her hip while she was here and I’m willing to bet she’d rather go through that again than watch this.

Scariest Entree: There are a few jump scares I guess and it’s one of those instances where you’re so bored by everything that it can catch you off guard providing you haven’t nodded off.

Is It Raw and Bloody: There’s a pretty fair amount of gore that hopefully the grannies/aunties clean up after everyone leaves.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: The tiniest smidge of boobery and I’m not clear if the people making it in that scene were related or not so forget it.

Most Delectable Line: I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT??!!

Most Delicious Scene: So in looking for clips of this deep-fried dog turd I discovered that apparently there was a lot of gore scenes cut out of the final picture. Maybe that uncut version is 2% better but I’m unwilling to find out. This scene in the version I watched just has his arm getting cut off and then quickly his torso flying down the stairs. This is obviously much better and it makes no sense why it was cut unless they wanted this movie to be a big hit at children’s birthday parties.

Most Flavorless Scene: Hard to pick. Just lock yourself in a room for awhile and cry and you pretty much get most of this movie.

Overall: This movie is like living in Detroit. Nothing but hiding behind doors while people on the other side commit murders and everything is just miserable. 

Score: 0.75 Demon Aunties (out of 10)

3 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest VIII – Day 10: Rabid Grannies

  1. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest VIII – Day 16: Blood Diner | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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