Blood Diner (1987)
What’s on the Menu: Sunday brunch at Denny’s.
Here are some of my observations as I dined:
- Blood Cults??? Oh shit for the love of John Carradine’s sausage fingers NO!!
- These two brothers couldn’t look more different if on of them was Arnold Schwarzenegger and the other was Diana Ross.
- So the crazed killer is these boys’ uncle and he gives them some black magick gifts. I don’t see what’s unusual so far.
- Then it’s 20 years later and the boys, Mike and George, are digging up their dear old uncle. A security guard comes by and Mike hits him in the back of the head with a shovel and his eyeballs fly out. This is already far better than Parents and Rabid Grannies combined, but so is finding a half-eaten big toe in your hamburger.
- So the uncle’s brain in the jar is instructing the boys how to raise the witch goddess Sheetar by killing broads after serving them a blood feast. Now we’re all caught up.
- There are some cheerleaders in the diner who are supposed to be in high school but look older than my grandpa’s first bicycle.
- Nude aerobics! That’s cool and all but it just makes me think vigorously jumping up and down would kill your boobs. My wife confirms this. But they don’t have to worry about their boobs killing because then they’re killed by one of the boys in a Reagan mask. Just like Point Break but less nudity. The boys have to cut them up to stitch their parts together for Sheetar’s body. Just like Patrick Swayze.
- So the diner serves only vegetarian health food, so I guess they’re not serving human meat? The diner doesn’t really seem to have anything to do with anything. Except for the blood feast I guess but that could have just been a party they were throwing.
- The boys dress up like Prince with the flu and go to a club where they’re denied entry but George throws one of the bouncers into the street and a hooptie squashes his head so they’re cool to go in after all.
- Is this supposed to be a semi-spoofy remake of Blood Feast? Looks to be that way. Let’s hope I like this better than Jim did that picture, but it’s bloody unlikely.
- They kill two ladies and toss ‘em right in the soup. So I guess they are putting human meat in their food? I’m a little confused, but I’ve been more confused, if that makes sense.
- Or maybe they’re using the human meat for the blood buffet? Or maybe both. Or maybe this movie is a jumbled mess of thoughts you would have while you’re laying in bed with food poisoning and brain worms?
- I’m almost positive the girl who’s full frontal in the cave was also in Load Warrior 2: The Second Coming. I mean, I don’t know anything about that…
- By the way there’s a subplot with detectives trying to solve the murders but it’s not really interesting enough to talk about.
- There’s a flashback to the uncle getting shot by the cops but it’s at night and the opening scene was during the day. Unless that was an intentional tongue in cheek foulup, but I doubt it.
- Also there’s a whole subplot with George being obsessed with wrestling and he eventually wrestles a Nazi and it doesn’t seem to have any purpose but filling time and hungry mouths. George wins after eating a chunk out of the Nazi’s leg and spitting it on the girl they’re going to use as a virgin sacrifice. I liked that sentence quite a bit.
- Jesus H. Sheetar is George annoying.
- In another subplot that’s not that big of a deal, a rival cook kidnaps Uncle Anwar to get his secret recipes and the boys come and cut his hands off. Then they put Anwar’s brain in Sheetar’s head.
- Do a shot every time they say Sheetar and you’ll be more fucked up than Lindsey Lohan on a Wednesday afternoon.
- So the end scene is pretty convoluted and weird. The boys take Sheetar to a club where assholes eat drugs and the blood buffet (which is just a pot of stew with some hands and feet in it, hardly what one would consider a buffet) and turn into green-faced zombies. Sheetar wakes up to devour the virgin girl with her stomach mouth but wastes her time shooting lightning at people. But the detectives save the day. Mike gets shot in the eye and Sheetar eats George’s head with her stomach mouth. Goddamn this flick is weird.
- Sheetar Lives!
Is It Actually Palatable: I’ve seen worse I suppose. It’s kind of a mess, like when Cracker Barrel slaughters a particularly playful puppy for their new dollar menu.
Scariest Entree: Nothing scary at all. It’s a black magick comedy with gore.
Is It Raw and Bloody: Some pretty good stuff, which is at a much higher level than the actual story.
Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Quite a bit. The entire topless aerobics class that gets hacked up, and Sheetar is perpetually topless, plus the woman from Load Warrior 2.
Most Delectable Line: “The killer has a meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in the other.” Wayyyyy ahead of you.
Most Delicious Scene: George runs over a rotund biker over and over but he keeps getting up barely hurt and it’s kind of hilarious.
Most Flavorless Scene: There was a lot of stupid shitar, I guess I could go with the scene in the rival diner where the cops interview the owner and his ventriloquist dummy that serves no purpose whatsoever.
Overall: I had heard decent things about this one but it was more all over the place than the menu at a Tex-Asian restaurant. The characters are all pretty annoying (although George is on another level and should run away with my Jeff from The Video Dead Memorial Trophy this year) and there isn’t a real protagonist in except maybe the female cop but not really. There are some fun kills but once again you could just watch a compilation of those and not really miss anything. Plus you could easily just make your own compilation of women’s body parts at home.
Score: 3.5 Blood Buffets at Golden Corral (out of 10)
I really loved that scene where the big fat guy named Vitamin is complimenting the boys vegetarian food and says he’s a big vegetarian but is too dimwitted to realize he’s actually eating human flesh which couldn’t be more meat in consistency. Then a scene later he pisses off George about turning off the damn Wrasslin’ (which if you look at Vitamin, you’d swear he was a pro wrassler) and George assaults him hard but Vitamin is fine in the next scene and still eating there like nothing happened.
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What an amazing memorable character. And then he was just gone, right?
I think you always saw him in the diner whenever they showed the place with actual patrons.
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