What’s It About: Picking up where Blood Cult left off… that’s pretty much it.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- I actually can’t even believe I’m doing this, but here we go.
- Wait, this was shot on film??!! They’ve sold out and lost their way!!
- Picks up right where the first one confusingly left off. The sheriff’s daughter is dead after jumping off the roof for some reason.
- The horrible deputy and evil German dog-loving doctor from the first video (not film) have said the the sheriff has lost his marbles 17 times in the first 2 minutes.
- The dubbing in the opening scene couldn’t be worse if kung fu fighters tried to talk reason into Godzilla.
- Caninus is the god of death? That’s news to me.
- The daughter joined the cult to help with her father’s senate bid? That makes sense. Actually, in today’s political climate it makes perfect sense.
- John Carradine???! Wow. Sad.
- This was made in 1986, a year after the first video. How did they recover financially so quickly? There’s no way anyone involved in the production of Blood Cult didn’t end up on the balls of their ass in bankruptcy court.
- Here’s a 47-minute sequence of the farmer from the first video searching his property for members of the Blood Cult, demanding that they leave his family alone in a voice so polite Mr. Rogers thinks he should grow some balls.
- So it’s the funeral of the creepy boyfriend from the first video and his brother comes and is talking to his sister (I think) and neither one of them could give a rabbit’s asshole about him and literally say they don’t care about him. Then why did they come to his funeral? We’re supposed to care about these people now? They’re monsters! They’re worse than Caninus! I’m on Caninus’s side on this one!
- The brother is played by John Wayne’s son, Patrick! He has none of his dad’s charisma and one-quarter of his acting ability, and John Wayne was a pretty shitty actor.
- I’m not sure who’s getting revenge on what here.
- “The sheriff had a stroke. He’s gone.” Translation: He didn’t want anything to do with this dogshit sequel.
- I hope they explain why that farmland is so important to the Blood Cult. Maybe it’s where Caninus shits.
- The evil doctor/coroner says that the farmer died from a hatchet falling and splitting his skull. I suppose that could happen if someone dropped it from a hot air balloon 3 miles up.
- The sister drives to an old farm and gets locked out of her car, even though they clearly showed her getting out of her car and not locking it. Unless a Blood Cultist snuck by and locked it. Or maybe Caninus took a piss on the electrical system.
- One of the Blood Cultists is doing a Force Choke on her. You have failed Caninus for the last time, admiral.
- God damn this deputy is as dumb as donkey turds. The sheriff was obviously deeply investigating the Blood Cult and left a list of names, but the deputy says he hasn’t had time to look into it, what with all the murders. The murders CAUSED BY THE FUCKING BLOOD CULT.
- A Blood Cultist terrorizes the farmer’s widow by sidling up next to her truck on a dirt bike and lightly kicking the side of it. Pure terror!
- Ahhh, here’s the old sheriff in the nut house. I guess I was wrong about him. They must have offered him a box lunch and a place to sleep for the night.
- I like that the events of the first video didn’t really matter.
- John Carradine! I seriously don’t think he’s actually in the same room as the other actors. And he doesn’t talk like he’s on the same planet. I think they just told him to say whatever was on his mind in exchange for a box lunch and a place to sleep for the night, but he has to share both with the sheriff.
- John Carradine is the Grand Wizard of Caninus! The role he was born to play!
- Although he’s very very clearly reading cue cards, he’s doing the best he can, Caninus love him.
- I think the movie just went to commercial break.
- It just did it again. Was this supposed to air on Lifetime?
- Wait, is this the sister who got Force Choked before, having an erotic hot tub party for two? I can’t tell all these white people apart.
- Finally some gore in between all the dirt bikes and senate talk. It’s just not enough.
- I simply can’t understand the “I was born in this house, I’ll die in this house!” mentality. So you live the same exact way every day until you die? Seems awful. I’m sure that farmer wished he saw more of the world before that hatchet fell into his forehead.
- The Caninus coins in this movie are not the same as the Caninus coins in the last video. And I may be the only person in the world who knows that information.
- The whole plot is about the Blood Cult buying the sacred farmland and no progress is being made in that department.
- Actually, this movie represents life in the Midwest pretty well.
- Dobermans are the preferred breed of the Blood Cult. We had a doberman named Buck when I was a kid. He was the worst dog in three counties.
- My brain went to commercial on this movie about 10 minutes ago and it’s not coming back. Patrick Wayne and the widow are going to fight the cult. There will be an ending, which I may or may not make a note of.
- They literally take 8 minutes to set up an elaborate rope and tractor system to knock the dirt bike guy off his dirt bike. It kills him, somehow. Then his dirt bike explodes.
- This should have ended 25 minutes ago, at least.
- One day, Caninus will get a proper film telling of his great deeds.
- Now they’re not summoning Caninus, but Martin Bradford, who’s John Carradine. Wait, why do they need to summon him if he’s a senator and he was in the dean’s office before? This makes no sense.
- It’s still not clear why this cult has chosen Caninus.
- What the fuck is with John Carradine’s fingers????!!!!
- The sister has risen as Caninus. I don’t get it. All the Blood Cultists are now monsters. I don’t get that either.
- This has nothing to do with the entire plot of buying the farmland.
- So, Patrick Wayne turns out to be involved in the Blood Cult. The widow shoots him and John Carradine, who then turns into a monster. Freeze frame. The end.
- Oh this was filmed in Tulsa. I honestly thought it was Indiana until the end credits.
Scare Level: Since you’ll be in a stupor while watching this, any loud noise in your house, like someone dropping a fork on a tile floor, or even a noise from outside, like a dog barking two blocks over, may startle you.
Gore Level: A fair amount but not nearly as much as the first video. In the second part of “The Making of Blood Cult,” director Christopher Lewis (who seems like a super sweet guy) explains that they preferred making cringeworthy monster masks instead.
Nudity Level: Just at the end when John Carradine’s balls are hanging out of the bottom of his cult robe.
Best Line: “What about the Blood Cult, what do you know about that?”
“I’ve heard rumors.”
Best Scene: I can’t help you there. I guess maybe John Carradine’s monologue at the end? It’s one of the only parts that seems like it’s from a real movie.
Worst Scene: How about worst plot hole instead? Everything revolves around the Blood Cult doing their rituals on the widow’s farmland, for whatever reason, and their grand plan is to get her to leave the land, and it turns out that Patrick Wayne was with the Blood Cult the entire time he was helping the widow solve the mystery of the Blood Cult, so why would he be helping her? Why didn’t they just kill her? It’s not like the police were hot on their trail or anything.
Level of Hell: It’s really bad and has none of the shot-on-video charm of Blood Cult, but I’ll give Christopher Lewis a break because he seems so friendly and was trying his best.
Overall: Yeah, that was a bad idea. I don’t know what in Caninus’s name they were thinking when they decided to move ahead with a sequel to Blood Cult. Maybe they had the same thought I did, that Blood Cult’s ending left open the fact that although the sheriff’s daughter died the whole of the Blood Cult was still active, so they should probably follow up on that. And I have to admire that, at least. But even in the making of video above, Christopher Lewis says Revenge is not his best work, which is really saying something. I actually enjoy those making of videos a hell of a lot more than the movies themselves. It’s always amusing to watching directors of schlock talk about their thoughts behind their projects, however lousy they may be. I love that Lewis states that finding good actors is a good idea, and how important the VHS box art it because otherwise no one would rent it, and that for some reason the distributors refused to call this movie Blood Cult 2 even though it’s a direct sequel that picks up immediately where the first one left off. So just watch those making ofs instead. Or, watch Revenge on YouTube in 2x speed. It will waste less of your time and it’s much funnier.
Score: 1.5 Times John Wayne Spun In His Grave After Watching This Movie In Hell (out of 10)