A Bell From Hell (1973)
What’s It About: Its pretty much another inheritance revenge flick. I can tell you what it isn’t about: a fucking bell from Hell.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- We start off with a guy plaster-castering his own face. Promising.
- It took over 2 ½ minutes for someone to talk and its dubbed. Shit, forget promising.
- This is a Spanish-French Production. Great, so I already know that esto es una mierda and cette suce.
- John is riding behind a truck that is hauling a bell that is presumably from Hell.
- Hearing Frère Jacques always makes me think of that French mouse from Tom & Jerry.
- Judas Priest, is this slaughterhouse footage real? The cows are screaming Clarice!
- After leaving the slaughterhouse John says, “I’ve learned enough.” Oh dear.
- Driving your motorcycle on the beach close to the water’s edge doesn’t look as cool as those guys in the beginning of Chariots Of Fire.
- I don’t think its fair to have a screenplay credit when there’s hardly any dialogue for almost the first third of the film.
- That whole dead daughters returning from the sea prank was actually very well executed and damn entertaining.
- If this huge crate John is taking delivery on contains a vampire in its coffin, I’m punching out.
- Uh, nope. It has a life size real sex doll that looks exactly like him. I take back what I said about the vampire.
- The guy John scared with the dead daughter prank looks a lot like Keenan Wynn.
- Men well into their fifties are bullying, molesting, and almost raping a very young girl. What the fuck is this movie’s problem?
- Asking a woman how many times she has sex with her husband while feeding the farm’s cocks should pave the way to an easy joke, but this movie has such a bad vibe it ruins it completely.
- I dislike John intensely.
- For his next prank, John makes Keenan’s wife faint by pretending to rip out his own eyes. I’m considering doing the same.
- Those degenerate old motherfuckers who were harassing the girl have her trapped in a boat in the middle of a lake well after dark. There are no gendarmes in this town?
- This movie is so slimy, I think my TV is going to break out with pimples.
- Keenan is now trying to make out with the girl and John rescues her from her would be rapists by running them down on his motorcycle. He’s not Ghost Rider by any means, but I’ll take anything that ends this scene.
- This old recluse farmer cuts stereotypes off at the knees and has the sheer balls to have his sheep live with him in his house.
- John’s next prank is to fake having both of his arms broken, so that he has to have Keenan unzip his fly and hold his mule for him while he takes a leak. He then threatens to tell his wife that he hands out handy’s all the time in the men’s room. Say what you want about John at this point but he really does go that extra mile to get a laugh.
- Even if this bell does come from Hell as advertised, it is nowhere near as evil as the creeps in this town.
- Again with the Frère Jacques.
- Playing the harpsichord while having a raven sit next to you is a little too over the goth top.
- John has more animals on his dinner table than Noah did.
- I honestly still have no idea who to root for in this film.
- A crazy guy, a rotten old woman in a wheelchair, and talk of visiting the cliffs. Let it happen.
- Frère Fucking Jacques again, so help me.
- This is the first movie I’ve seen that has a POV shot through a beekeeper’s helmet.
- It looks like its gonna be death by bees for Aunty Wheelchair. Someone alert Nicolas Cage.
- So is John going to kill these women or is he just cosmically fucking with them?
- John is getting all incest rape-y. I shan’t root for him.
- It seems as if he really did learn a lot in that slaughterhouse.
- Aunty Wheelchair has survived her battle with the bees, she is just super-swollen. Keenan must have had an EpiPen lying around.
- Keenan and all of the women John has been messing with are now sealing him up in a wall like he was after their Amontillado.
- I had a feeling we’d be seeing that John doll again.
- Hell’s Bells! (I can’t believe it took me this long to use that) that was a doozy of a final prank on John’s behalf.
Scare Level: If I could change this category to “Greasy Level” it would bury the needle.
Gore Level: Cows being butchered, some blood here and there, and a face full of bee venom.
Nudity Level: A pretty good amount, thanks to the Teri Garr looking chick and all of the rest of them when John hangs them on hooks.
Best Line: “Fate has already dealt you the cards.” “Yeah, and I’m gonna play them.” Isn’t that the point stupid?
Best Scene: I dug the girl that looked like Teri Garr, so when she got naked it was quite nice – even though they did that perfectly placed objects to block the naughty bits gag that Austin Powers drove into the ground.
Worst Scene: Definitely the scenes in the slaughterhouse. Look, I’m a meat eater and I know where the stuff comes from – doesn’t change the fact that I just want my steak served to me without having to know its backstory.
Level of Hell: I still can’t figure out if it was John or his evil chick relatives who were the villains, pisses me off so…
Overall: Legend has it that on the final day of shooting the director jumped or fell to his death from the central bell tower constructed for the film. Either way I can’t say that I fault him for it.
Score: 2 Rapist Keenan Wynn Clones (out of 10)