Schlocktoberfest 666 – Day 22: The Devil’s Rain

The Devil’s Rain (1975)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Small midwestern family is terrorized by satanists because they hold possession of a powerful book. They do battle in a ghost town and yada yada yada something something.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

Technical Advisor: Anton Szandor LaVey; high priest of the Church of Satan. That’s fucking awesome. Too bad Aleister Crowley is dead (allegedly) otherwise he’d be a great director.
I’m not even through with the opening credits and I’m honestly freaked out.
Until I hear the canned typical thunder clap sound effect you hear in every movie or TV show. And now I’m dreading watching this.
That’s some storm out there. I guess this is the titular Devil’s Rain? Dammit now I have that Tay Zonday song stuck in my head.
Shatner literally took off a coat and was wearing a vest coat underneath. That’s kinda funny.
Is this guy’s face melting?!
Holy shit it is. He literally melted down like a cake in the microwave into a puddle. Damn you Devil Rain!
I sure hope they explain something soon. I feel like I walked into the middle of the movie here.
Amulet?! “Maybe a little Star Power wouldn’t hurt either.”
Wow, that was some quick dawn. And everything is all dry now too.
The amulet Statner wears is the size of an ashtray. He looks like Flavor Flav.
Ernest Borgnine is a Satanic priest named Corbis. In the 20 years since winning Best Actor in Marty he’s now doing this. Sheesh.
Shatner shoots a satanic cult member and his blood was white-yellow. I thought that be addressed as something satanic but it’s never brought up at all. AT ALL! Did they not have red blood coloring in the effects department?
Kick his satanic cowboy ass Tom Skerritt!

Holy Diver You’ve been down too long in the midnight sea Oh what’s becoming of me

Very convenient that Tom Skerritt’s wife is a psychic so we can have this exposition into the past.
Is Ernest Borgnine really 350+ years old? The flashback shows him and Shatner’s descendant as puritans accused of witchcraft. Hmm. I wonder what’s the secret to his longevity?
Is Tom Skerritt’s wife played by Kristen Stewart’s mom? She looks and acts just like her.
Can’t Skerritt ask his wife, the telepath, what’s to come of them and the whole scenario? If she’s psychic then she should know what happens or at the very least have some pointers for him.
For a film that deals with Satanism and has Anton Levay as a technical advisor, it sure is weak on the satanic spiritualism and religion. I thought I would learn something by now. There’s only a half-hour left and they really haven’t showed us much satanism that seems plausible.
Now I wish I was watching Coven.
WHAT?! Borgnine said some rites, then there was a loud bang and Borgnine turned into a ram man complete with horns and goatee. It looks as ridiculous as it sounds.
Why did Shatner agree to do this film? Why did Borgnine agree to do this film? This is complete schlock, not like it’s The Exorcist or something more upscale. Sheesh.
Skerritt is dressed like the congregational satanists with black robes and hoods trying to save Shatner and all I can think of is Manos The Hands of Fate.
This movie is really fucking boring. I’m struggling to stay awake. Really. Fucking. Boring.
Shatner without eyes staring at Skerritt looks just like Michael Myers in Halloween. And very rightfully so.

It was the boogeyman…
As a matter of fact, it was.

Why is a huge canister that holds all the souls Corbis took called the Devil’s Rain? Shouldn’t it be called the Devil’s Ark or the Devil’s Vessel? Jumping’ Jesus! Now this movie has be looking up Rain in the dictionary to see if there is some arcane definition that means container.
NOPE! So the title makes zero fucking sense. And the poster above makes even less sense. “Heaven help us all when the Devil’s Rain!” So is it the water from the sky or the canister? And it’s possessive making the poster’s quip grammatically incorrect. Unless the poster means plural devils but that’s not grammatically correct either.
Ya know what FUCK IT!
Shatner destroys the canister and it opens up a hole in the roof and actually lets in the rain. And it’s melting the satanists.
I’m about 2 minutes away from calling someone who’s still alive to explain this shit to me.
Did they mean The Devil’s Reign? Was it a typo that they had to go with since they printed up 1000’s of movie posters and didn’t want to recall them? Because that makes a little more sense.
Why would Devil’s Rain kill the Satanists? And if it’s just normal rain, then why is this movie called Devil’s Rain? Well sure, the canister is called The Devil’s Rain but the movie’s poster says otherwise and makes it sound like precipitation. ARRRGH!!
Maybe they meant “The Devil’s Rage,” which let’s be honest, is a way better title anyway.
Why would Anton LaVey be a technical advisor for a movie where the satanists are the villains and lose the battle? That’s like L. Ron Hubbard being an advisor to a Scientology movie where the scientologists are the villains. Something’s just not right here!

Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a optician!

Hahaha…this should be called “The Devil’s Rape.” Because that’s basically what this film is doing to my better sensibilities.
I just remembered that John Travolta has a small role in this but I have yet to actually see him. According to the cast list he plays Danny. Did they mean Danny Zuko?
There’s a 5–7 minute scene of all the satanists melting in the rain. It just doesn’t stop and it’s annoying by the 3 minute mark.
So the last minute shows Tom’s wife embrace him after the Satanic church explodes and then she becomes Borgnine and then it shows her trapped in the Devil’s Rain, which was destroyed. I’m very confused and very pissed off.
This is literally one of the worst movies I ever saw.

Scare Level: I’ve never been more scared in my life!

Gore Level: I gotta be honest here. I watched this 2 years ago and took notes for a future Schlocktoberfest entry (yeah I do that…I take my Schlocktoberfests very seriously, unlike the makers of The Devil’s Rain) so I really don’t remember how much gore there was. But all you have to know is this movie is fucking terrible.

Nudity Level: There’s a 3 minute scene of a nude Ernest Borgnine and him jerking off his huge borgnine inches of Devil’s Rain! (see even I can call something a Devil’s Rain without it making sense. How does it feel?)

Best Line: The only line I want to reference is the line of coke I snorted off a hooker’s ass. But that, too didn’t happen.

Someone’s had a great time in Pleasure Island with Honest John

Best Scene: Gun to my head? The opening credits. It seriously was the only aspect of this garbage that provided any skill, art or sense of enjoyment. It was actually quite unnerving. It was close-ups of Hieronymus Bosch’s painting of The Last Judgment with creepy music and wailing and crying voices. So it’s great for one minute and 22 seconds and it’s all downhill from there.

Worst Scene: I wasn’t kidding when I saw that the finale is about 7 minutes of rain falling on the Satanists and them scrambling in pain as the rain slowly melted them.

Level of Hell: Abandon Hope all ye who watch The Devil’s Rain!

Overall: Hellfire! I cannot believe this movie was as awful as it was. Its director was Robert Fuest who has done decent work like The Abominable Dr. Phibes movies. This movie destroyed his film career and he shirked back to television work. It starred William Shatner, Eddie Albert, Tom Skerritt and Academy Award winner Ernest Borgnine! and still did jack shit to entertain me. Its “technical advisor” was none other than Mr. Satan himself Anton LaVey and it failed miserably to illicit any fright or even mildly make me uncomfortable. Its editor was Michael Kahn. (KAAAAAAHHHHHN!!!) Yes the same editor for Raiders of the Lost Ark, Poltergeist, Jurassic Park and every other Spielberg movie and that too, didn’t help. I couldn’t have been more disappointed even if I woke up to find out that Supreme Leader Trump was elected to a fifth term. Avoid this one like a hot wet plague folks. You’d be better off listening to the Misfits album of the same name.