Blood Feast (1963)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A really creepy caterer who takes his locally sourced ingredients to the extreme.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• A horror movie that starts with what looks like a young June Cleaver coming home? All right.
• Enough of the fucking tympani already.
• Young June strips down, gets into the tub, and is promptly dispatched by a guy who looks like Andy Kaufman’s grandfather.
• She is stabbed in the eyeball and gets her leg cut off. Is everybody in? Is everybody in? The blood feast is about to begin…
• I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that there will be an Egyptian undertone to this movie since the credits are done over the Sphinx.
• Seven killings in two weeks was a lot for 1963? Wait ‘till you see Illinois in 55 years.
• I would like to nominate, “Fuad Ramses Exotic Catering” as the greatest shop sign that ever existed.
• I knew this would be Egyptian somehow.
• It’s a good thing that Fuad doesn’t have a weird voice or talk in constant double entendre, or else you might suspect him of being a POI.
• If you ever hear an organ crescendo after someone asks you a question – fucking run.
• There’s gonna be a lot of “having you for dinner” jokes this month aren’t there.
• Lots of community theater actors in this shit-fest.
• Fuad is not obviously creepy enough, so… let’s have him limp as well.
• The local newspaper’s headline of, “LEGS CUT OFF!” still cannot hold a candle to some of the ones from the NY Post today.
• Is Fuad’s tympani motif supposed to be some sort of pre-cursor to Halloween’s 5/4 piano and Friday The 13^th’s ki-ki-ma-ma? Because it isn’t, it’s annoying as all fuck.
• You know that a serial killer has the town in the grip of fear when the police chief describes him as uncanny.
• There were actors in Ed Wood movies that were better than this lot.
• Make-out scenes on the beach in the 60’s almost demand surf music do they not?
• Hear those tympani? Look out you guys!
• Why is there a rattlesnake on the beach?
• The mother of the murdered girl on the beach’s crying is so poorly acted, you can’t help but laugh.
  
• Fuad looks like he’s cooking up some Cervello Marinara.
• I hate to break it to Fuad, but his Egyptian goddess idol is just a gold spray-painted mannequin from Caldor.
• Now it looks like Fuad is stalking Alan Hale Jr. trying to get a nooner at a no-tell motel in the middle of the afternoon. Could have ended the joke at Alan Hale Jr. but didn’t, and probably should have.
• When Fuad attacks the woman in the hotel, he has his fingers almost all the way down the actress’ throat – I trust she received stunt pay for this scene.
• He rips her tongue out with his bare hands. Ok, impressive.
• If you were to wipe off all of the fake blood from this now cross-eyed victim, you would swear she was in Laugh-In.
• Thank fuck for cue cards.
  
  

  I’m the “Goddess” of this movie, and even I can’t believe how bad it is.

• After saying “goodbye” to someone, there is no need to immediately add “see you later.” You’re leaving, I get it.
• Fuad worships the Goddess Ishtar. Think his plans will bomb as bad as the movie of the same name?
  
• Yeah Detective Pete, always grin at an attractive girl when someone says the word “virgin.” That’ll get you right in.
• I guess that rattlesnake from the beach was only available for 2 days on set since it’s in the Egyptian flashback.
• Sweet Christ! Pete the detective is dating Suzette? He’s clearly old enough to be her elderly father. Am I being prudish? No, I just needed a joke here.
• Oh, Suzette was June of 1963’s Playmate of the Month. Her acting prowess will be ridiculed no further. All is explained.
• When on a date with a girl in 1963, and you’re parked remotely, and she says to you, “oh, ok – but just for a little while” she was talking about just sitting there? There must have been a pandemic of blue balls back then.
• Can this doctor say that the victim doesn’t have a chance in another room, and not right in fucking front of her. She is quite obviously conscious.
• Wow. Even this actress with her face completely covered in bandages couldn’t act her way out of them.
• The girl’s dying words are “Etar” and Pete the douche detective, who was at an Egyptian lecture about “Ishtar” not three fucking scenes ago; can’t connect the dots. And people still wonder why the Zodiac was never caught.
• Not only is Fuad’s tympani motif beyond sickening at this point, this soap opera organ is enough to make you poke fun about it on a movie review site that nobody reads.
  
  

  Right underneath I would place, “Fred Garvin: Male Prostitute.”

• Fuad shares those same weird thumbs that Megan Fox has.
  
• Fuad’s eyebrows look like grey geriatric caterpillars 6 months after their families executed the DNR.
• Pete just said “Ishtar” twice during his phone conversation and still can’t read the fucking tea leaves.
• Looks like Fuad is about to make Trudy Carpaccio.
• Nope, he just whips her and collects her blood. Possibly for a deglazing?
• It is currently 9:30 PM on September 4^th, 2018, and I am pretty sure I won’t be able to keep up the cooking references for 10 more movies. Not saying I won’t try.
• Detective Pete has finally reached comprehension. Hallelujah chunky peanut butter.
• The horror movies of the 1960’s pretty much invented the art of the side-boob shot.
  
  

  This is only the first movie of Lewis’ “Blood Trilogy?” Mind. Blown.

• This is a full on gross-out horror movie with a ton of gore, yet Pete says holy smoke instead of shit. C’mon.
• Well, we finally made it to the Fuad-catered Fremont party. This should go over well.
• Holy shit are the actors playing the party guests terrible.
• Suzette’s ignorance and frivolity are the only things keeping her alive in this scene.
• Cheese it Fuad, the cops!
• Fuad can barely run with that bad leg and should be easy to apprehend.
• That is of course if the police would accelerate their chase higher than a moderate trot.
• Stupid Fuad tries to get away in the back of a garbage truck, so Pete tells the driver to hit the compressor and squish! Adios Fuad.
• I am so tired of telling Microsoft Word to learn the word “Fuad.”
• With a minute left in the movie, Pete finally tells us how he put it all together being the crackerjack detective he is, the Ishtar mannequin cries blood, and… scene!
  
  

  She cries Tempera tears.

Is It Actually Palatable: Not really. But it does survive for a few reasons: it is one of the very first splatter movies, it was a video nasty, and it was a favorite of Lux Interior. Google him young people.

Scariest Entree: When Tony (the shit actor on the beach) tells his girlfriend that he is there to protect her and that nothing will happen to her – you know she’s as dead as Julius Caesar.

Most Nauseating Moment: After seeing her daughter almost decapitated, Mrs. Tremont can only lament that she will now have to serve her guests hamburgers. Even Martha Stewart would have shown some sympathy, and she told congress to go fuck themselves.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: Would have to be in the casting. This film was shot in Miami, yet all of the actors sound like Pete White from the Venture Bros. When the detective says that they will have to inform the victim’s parents – it comes out as pants.

Is It Raw and Bloody: Very much so. Lewis used nothing but the finest animal guts, and a shit-ton of fake blood.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: 2 tits in a bathtub, no waiting.

Most Delectable Line: “Well Frank, this looks like one of those long hard ones.” Spoken by the detective without any irony at all.

Most Delicious Scene: Although her acting skills are enough to make Wiseau look like De Niro, Suzette sure does give you good vibrations whenever she shows up.

Most Flavorless Scene: Tony’s horrible, yet hilarious crying while trying to explain to the cops what happened to his de-brained girlfriend.

Overall: Director Herschell Gordon Lewis, “I’ve often referred to Blood Feast as a Walt Whitman poem. It’s no good, but it was the first of its type.” Is that so? Well fuck you Sir. Even though you’re kinda right.

Gulp Rating: 2 annoying tympani (out of 5)