The Gingerdead Man (2005)
What’s on the Menu: For reasons that aren’t clear and don’t matter, murderer Gary Busey (Himself) has his cremated remains mixed with gingerbread mix and and he gets baked into the Gingerdead Man and there’s no need to elaborate further.
Here are some of my observations as I dined:
- Gary Busey is robbing a diner and shooting the patrons. A typical Sunday for him.
- I guarantee all Busey’s dialogue is ad-libbed. Meaning the voices in his head are just saying whatever they feel like, when normally they come together to achieve a common goal.
- This was probably supposed to be a comedy about Busey as a quirky baker but he just came to set and started shooting his costars. Not like film shooting like gun shooting.
- Brad brings up a great point while we’re watching this. Shouldn’t this movie be set during Christmas? Nobody makes gingerbread cookies at any other time of year. There are no 4th of July gingerbread men.
- So this girl Sarah works at a bakery and she’s the youngest daughter of the family Busey killed at the diner. Her drunken mom Betty owns the bakery. A mysterious druid delivers gingerbread mix that is actually Busey’s executed cremated ashes. Some bagelfucking dipshit coworker cuts himself and bleeds in the gingerbread mix, and that is the origin of Gary Busey.
- That’s the largest fucking cookie cutter I’ve ever seen. And she makes enough dough (which is more like bread dough than cookie dough) to choke a battalion of Gary Busey’s biggest Nazi horses. And she just makes one gingerbread man. That’s not a very effective way of baking.
- What if she made multiple gingerbread men? Would they all be Gary Busey? What if she made gingerbread trees? Or gingerbread houses?
- “We have homicidal baked goods after us!” But all he’s done so far is walk and eat some stuff.
- He cut off Betty’s finger with a steak knife. How does he have any strength?
- Why are these people still in the bakery? The door is right there. There’s a bitchy girl there for no reason and she keeps complaining but why doesn’t she just split?
- Sarah and Amos are standing around talking about old times ARE THEY SCARED OF THE FUCKING GINGERDEAD MAN OR NOT???!!
- Gingerdead Man runs over a redneck with his car using a rolling pin to reach the pedals. Best not to think about it.
- Who would think that Gary Busey would be the best actor in any movie? Yet here we are.
- I’m so bored. Should I think of more baking puns? I’ll try to rise to the challenge.
- The bitchy girl finds her run over dad dead and barely cares. Then GOES BACK IN THE FUCKING BAKERY.
- Apparently Gingerdead Man cuts the lights and they’re complaining about the lights being out. But it’s brighter than a clean room at the CDC in there.
- Another girl gets knocked out and GM puts whipped cream on her knockers. And that’s it. He didn’t even pumpernickel.
- There’s a booby trap that kills the bitchy girl but we don’t see the mechanism so it’s completely pointless.
- So this movie is a fucking waste of time so I’ll sum up, the bagelfucking dipshit comes out of nowhere and wrestles Gingerdead Man (after Gingerdead Man fires 17 shots from a revolver) and eats his head and becomes possessed. But then they push him in the oven. Who cares. Not me, not you, and certainly not Gary Busey.
Is It Actually Palatable: I‘d rather eat a bowl of bull testicles covered in ginger than watch this again.
Scariest Entree: Gary Busey’s face. This movie seems to be from right around the Gary Joker Busey era.
Is It Raw and Bloody: Betty’s finger gets cut off, the annoying girl who constantly complains about the situation but never does anything to get out of it gets a knife in the forehead thanks to an unseen contraption, and the bagelfucking dipshit eats the Gingerdead Man and it’s a bloody mess.
Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Only if the whipped cream or ice cream or whatever that girl was covered in with the cherries where her nipples should be counts, but why would it?
Most Delectable Line: “You gotta be shittin’ me!” – The Gingerdead Man sums it up.
Most Delicious Scene: Nonexistent, so this is from an entirely different movie.
Most Flavorless Scene: All of it, of course, but here is some footage a crew member took of Gary Busey during a lunch break one day.
Overall: This movie has the most laughably bad villain (Gary Busey) ever, but it should have been a lot more fun, with a lot more baking jokes and baking-related deaths. But as it stands, it’s just half-baked. The one positive thing about this movie is it’s literally 55 minutes long. The opening and end credits go by slower than a snail taking a shit on a sloth to pad the running time. But then again, they’re no slower or less interesting than the rest of the movie.
Score: 1 Bad Case of Self-Loaving (out of 10)