Jungle Holocaust (1977)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Do you really have to ask at this point?

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• The names on the poster and the trailer are both different. Great way to start off.
• The movie flat out states in the beginning that this is a true story, unlike Cannibal Holocaust which makes you think it is.
• This drunk pilot can fly yes, land – no.
• Deserted camps and smashed radios never deter cannibal movie protagonists.
• More anaconda on iguana violence – their beef must go back eons.
• One rotting, half-eaten corpse does not a jungle holocaust make.
• That cannibal just did a hilarious peek-a-boo through the airplane window.
• Of course the first member of the party to be taken is the woman who has to go outside to take a leak.
• The pilot is killed with the same exact spiked ball booby trap that was in Eaten Alive.
• At only 16 minutes in, this party has already been halved.
• Well that’s one suspicion confirmed – the woman who was taken during her call to nature is the BBQ Robert and Ralf smell.
• The music used for Robert and Ralf’s raft-building montage sounded a lot like Dust In The Wind. Makes sense.
• They crash the raft in some rapids and Ralf is gone. That escalated quickly.
• I knew Robert shouldn’t have eaten that green fruit.
• He writhes in agony, pukes, and then passes out only to be awoken by a spear poking him in the back. I thought it was Wicket from Return of the Jedi.
• Jesus, talk about a bat cave.
  

  He’s really making it obvious that he’s trying to not stare at her chest.

• The cannibals are ripping Robert’s clothes off and celebrating like they’re at a Walmart on black Friday.
• Now the cannibals are all grabbing Robert’s junk like they all work for Brett Ratner.
• Robert is then submitted to being bounced up and down on a bungee cord. I find the X-Games to be quite tortuous as well.
• I’m guessing that if you’re a member of this tribe, and the others break your hunting spear in disgust – you’re in some kind of trouble.
• Uh yeah, being put into stocks and having fire ants eat your arm all the way down to the bone would constitute a demotion wouldn’t you agree?
• Robert is awakened by three naked children of the tribe pissing on him. His jungle nightmare is Kevin Spacey’s jungle dream.
• Thank heaven for Me Me Lei. She at least adds some grace to these proceedings.
• She did however, pick a very odd point in the movie to give Robert a hand job.
• Robert is now fighting Toucan Sam for food rations, after which Sam is promptly killed for losing.
• Now we have snake on bat violence. Bruce Wayne is not amused.
• It finally happened, I’m watching a cannibal movie and I miss Robert Kerman.
• There are so many shots of crocodile stock footage you would think that Ed Wood made this movie.
• I hate crocs and gators, so watching these savages skin and gut one alive doesn’t really faze me in the least.
• The crocodile is BBQ’d for the entire tribe, who devour it almost instantly. While watching them prepare it, I noticed that crocs are almost all fat. I hope that everyone took their Lipitor after the meal.
• Robert and Me Me escape from the tribe and come across a woman sitting at the river’s edge screaming with labor pains. She delivers her baby herself, bites the umbilical cord in half and then chucks the baby into the river for the waiting crocodiles. Now I know that we’re never going to get it, but I’d really like to know this woman’s backstory.
  

  I can’t believe you had to bring up the fact that I look like General Zod at a time like this.

• Ya know, walking through the jungle completely naked for the amount of time Robert and Me Me have – would’ve killed anyone of us within 10 minutes.
• Robert jumps in the river to bathe and ends up getting the full-on Stand By Me result, complete with a leech on his package.
• When Me Me tries to escape, Robert rapes her like she was trying to get a lead role in a Miramax movie. There, three jokes about #metoo predators in one fucking cannibal movie. Don’t ever say I did nothing for the cause.
• Hey everybody! It’s Ralf!
• Ralf’s gangrene does not look good. Then again what gangrene does?
• It looks as if this owl is ghosting Robert, Ralf and Me Me, and trying to give away their position.
• Naturally, as soon as they see the landing field the cannibals attack. Fucking owls.
• Me Me is captured by the tribe, ripped apart and eaten in the exact same scene that was used in Eaten Alive. However this time out the scene is done to music that sounds like it’s from an episode of I Love Lucy. The fuck?
• Robert kills a native and eats his liver to either try to scare the rest of the tribe off or to show dominance. Ironically is was the fact that he did the “see food” joke we all did when we were kids to really drive his point across.
• Gangrene in his leg and a spear through his chest and Ralf is still alive.
• Start the plane Jacques!
• Never mind, Ralf waits until they are safely flying away in the airplane to keel over and die. Spoil sport.
  

  That’s not a fair assessment ma’am; it is in fact quite cold out.

Is It Actually Palatable: Not really. This was one of the worst cannibal films I’ve seen and at this point in my Schlocktoberfest career, I’m the Gordon Fucking Ramsay of cannibal flicks.

Scariest Entree: These genre is still not scary to me.

Most Nauseating Moment: Eventually growing accustomed to seeing Robert’s dick flapping around like an uncircumcised wind sock in a mild breeze.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: Me Me’s death scene was the exact same one used in Eaten Alive. That’s just lazy cannibalism if you ask me.

Is It Raw and Bloody: Not as much as some of the other everyone-gets-eaten gems in the oeuvre, but enough to keep you mildly interested.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: The only mouth-watering scenes come from the classic good sport Me Me Lei, there is a ton more by the other actors but who cares?

Most Delectable Line: “Robert, you’re eating bat meat Robert – do you understand? And it wasn’t cooked electronically. Don’t go mad on me now goddamnit!” Almost 95% of this movie is grunts and screaming, I was worried I wouldn’t get an entry for this.

Most Delicious Scene: Once again thanks to Lei’s incredibly perfect breasts, her scenes are the standouts.

Most Flavorless Scene: I don’t understand how a bat can be eaten by a snake when it can fucking fly away. It didn’t even sneak up on him, they were staring at each other and the bat was screaming – I dunno maybe that’s the jungle version of suicide-by-cop.

Overall: For what is considered part one of Deodato’s “Cannibal Trilogy”, the second of which is the classic Cannibal Holocaust, and the third is Cut And Run which has no cannibalism in it at all; this wasn’t that great of a start. I suppose I’ll have to do Cut And Run next year just to say I made it through the trilogy – which is also my attitude going into Star Wars Episode IX.

Gulp Rating: 1 less fucking cannibal movie I have to review this month (out of 5)