Does it seem cold in here to you? Aw man, what’s there to do tonight anything? Give me another cigarette over here … is there anything left in that bottle?

OK it’s 11:30 give me the guide, what’s on tonight?

Huh. I thought that show was cancelled last year.

Dude, I don’t have Halloween on betamax so I can watch it whenever I want … All right! All right! Fucking turn on channel 9 then. This movie better be good.

The Thirsty Dead (1974)

The whole thing:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A very weak blood sacrifice for immorality cult thing.

This is not a left-over of mine, it’s a jump back in time to a living room in 1981. Kind of.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

•  So this is a movie about zombies who crave attention?

•  Starring John Considine! This guy was in every fucking TV show in the 80’s and I do mean every one – look it up.

• Have I reviewed a PG movie yet? This has to be a mistake.

• We open on a stripper in a cage backed up by the Filipino Emerson Lake & Palmer playing behind her.

• Making a joke about wanting to be abducted into a white slavery trade is just too much for karma not to instantly fuck you over.

• I can’t believe this isn’t another Alan Smithee opus.

• Wells Fargo had restaurants?

• I can’t decide whether these are bad actors or bad accents.

• How did Laura not see two red-cloaked monk-looking assholes ready to pounce on her?

• Mother of all that is fuck is the acting in this movie terrible.

• Look, we paid for all these rats and we’re gonna film ‘em!

• This scene is making me nostalgic for the “Ye Old Mill” ride at Playland.

• The floating beer bottles and the baby doll in the water really brought me back to Rye, NY.

• This soundtrack almost sounds like it was re-cycled four years later for Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park.

• Claire (the stripper from the opening scene) is really enjoying her kidnapping way too much.

• The kidnappers, (monks, tribesmen, who gives a shit) are carrying red leaves that instantly heal minor cuts and no one cares to comment on this rather major scientific breakthrough.

• Said leaves also double as chloroform.

• Making jewelry with John Considine was a PBS show that should have been.

• The people in this cult pray to a fucking head named “Raul” encased in a red Jello shot on top of a stone pillar. I haven’t missed Schlocktoberfest at all.

See! I told you there were new scenes in this, why the fuck are we watching Fright Night?

• During what should have been the first nude scene, it’s a woman spying on the bathing beauties instead of a man. Equality, I’m all for it.

• White people being in charge of a white slavery ring never made sense to me.

• This fucking asshole Raul head-thing again.

• He lends absolutely no help at all when called upon for guidance. He just rolls his eyes up in his head like he’s Gene Simmons and shouts incoherent words. Like Gene Simmons.

• Where exactly is all of the blood that will quench thirsts? While I’m at it – where are all the parched deceased as well?

• Laura looks like a failed clone of Mariette Hartley. I am really showing my age.

• The actors in these scenes were told at least once that this was supposed to have tension in it right?

• This movie is starting to look like a really tame version of Jungle Holocaust.

• Actually, maybe more like a misguided Star Trek episode.

• I really want to see that new movie “Lamb.” It looks savage as fuck! Hi Doc!

• With the reveal of that painting of Laura on the rock, this movie now looks like an episode of Dark Shadows.

• Jesus, this old woman has a voice worse than Lucille Ball.

• I’m not ashamed to say that I am quite attracted to Claire. From the moment I saw her I swear…

• There is just nothing worse than having the cult that kidnapped you try to placate you with shitty community theater productions.

• I am now halfway through this movie and aside from the one girl cutting herself on a fucking branch – there has been no blood to quench whoever is dead and thirsty.

Another New scene! You and your horror movie shows. You know it’s not like they’re ever gonna invent a way to see Halloween with all of this extra shit put in.

• I stand corrected. All of the kidnapped victim’s throats are cut, their blood is collected in bowls, the magic healing leaves come out; and it’s bottoms up for the elders as they shotgun it all down.

• If I’m around for Schlock 12, I’m going back to the Video Nasties. This flick is so bland it might as well be Disney.

• Laura is taught a lesson by being thrown into a room with a bunch of poorly made-up old folks and a William Castle skeleton on a wire. The Well Of The Souls this isn’t.

• I really hope the concept I wanted to portray is coming through. It looked so good in my head, but I fear this might be my Crystal Pepsi of reviews.

• If any of these characters had an arc, I’d hang myself from it.

• The old skank with the fright wig and the Suzanne Pleshette voice now decides to champion the cause of the innocent.

• The girls are now escaping through what looks like the Tarzan Swing from Action Park. That’s two amusement park references! Cool! A true dink of co-inky huh? Maybe not.

• Now in any other jungle movie, these girls would have thought they found refuge in this village, yet they would been stripped nude, disemboweled, and eaten. I really can’t review PG movies – it’s just not in my nature. You can tell.

• That last observation is almost making me yearn for Schlock 8te.

• No cannibalism, no nudity, no guts, no dicks being chopped off – Ruggero Deodato is spinning in his grave and the fucking guy isn’t even dead yet.

• Sweet Someone Of Something, now the lead woman of the cult is dancing in her undergarments in front of that asshead Raul.

• Baru’s skirt is shorter than almost every woman’s in this cast. Baru is a guy by the way.

• They killed the old crone with the smoker voice. Finally some horror-related action.

• Baru is freeing all of the old women with severe skin conditions. This can only mean he will soon die a hero’s death.

• Claire thinks she’s hotter than hell and she’s not gonna take it anymore!

• She’s right.

• And she falls into a pit and dies. Que sera sera.

• The old women used for their blood have struck back against their captors. This is revolution!

• Baru is now leading the girls in their escape through the jungle, forfeiting his immortality. What a mensch.

• The old woman revolt has literally ended with their asses being whipped.

OK, you’re lucky there’s no more new shit. You’re right though, that new Monty Python movie looks weird.

• I swear to Azathoth this is Hanna-Barbera music they’re using.

• As I approach the ending, I realize my jokes haven’t really helped explain the plot of this shit-fest. Not apologizing, just recognizing.

• This is a very drawn out escape through the jungle and I got nothin’.

• Whoa! Baru aged faster than Nancy Allen and then croaked.

• I wish Claire made it this far.

I’m the one who agreed not to watch Halloween – so yeah, you have to get up and change the channel every time. No we don’t have a remote! What are we made of money like the Pasquales up the street? Thirsty Dead is almost over, let’s just get through it. We might be able to catch the last few minutes of SNL. Holy shit Jaime Lee looks hot in that Stratton thing.

• This is the longest escape that led to nothing ever.

• Baru begs to be killed by his minions and gets a spear through his heart. That’s so Raven.

• The three surviving girls jump in some guy’s Jeep and are sped off to what I presume is safety. They then show up with the authorities who tell them that the mountain they just escaped from is impossible to climb up or down. Thus not believing any of their story.

• The End. Ugh.

Was it Entertaining:

Final Thoughts: I should have definitely watched Halloween. SNL had Pleasence hosting for chrissakes! Or Chiller Theater, or even the fucking No Time For Sergeants Andy Griffith movie. This movie left me with a deep sadness, the kind that you feel after watching Dana Plato porn. When your dick looks up at you and says, “No, this isn’t happening. Let’s go hand out food to the homeless instead.”

Score: 1 Jello shot Raul asshole-God (out of ten).

Guess what folks, that’s my return to the fold and I am outta here…