Cannibal Girls (1973)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin stumble upon a cannibal cult run by an eccentric reverend and his three nympho minions.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• A special bell will indicate when something “delicate” will occur for people with weak constitutions to close their eyes. Nice.
• We are on the fast track for possible nudity. Please stand-by.
• Haha. The musical chime was an Arooga noise.
• Here’s a kill. And a rape? I’m not sure. The unseen killer ripped open the girl’s blouse revealing her itty bitty titties but the scene went into slo-mo cutaway. So I don’t know if she was killed or raped or both.
• “Meat…We Deliver” van driving through town.
• Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin star in this. So there’s a 50% chance this will be hilarious. But there’s only a 10% chance of that.
• Directed by Ivan Reitman. Director of Ghostbusters so this could be a lost classic. But he also directed Ghostbusters 2 and I’ve never heard of this flick until recently so who knows.
• Andrea Martin is speaking to Eugene Levy who is off-screen in the woods while she waits by the car parked on the curb. They don’t show him but we’re assuming he’s pissing in the woods. This scene eventually goes nowhere until Andrea Martin calls his name about 3 dozen times because he fails to answer and he jumps out at her in the woods as a prank.
• Eugene Levy is in full-on Gene Shalit looking mode.

• I sure hope that menacing unseen figure hiding in the woods brandishing a blade in their underwear is a female. 
• So far nothing is funny or interesting. 
• “Legend about the three girls” is a terrible name for a legend.
• There’s a guy sleeping in the woods who believe it or not is dressed exactly like Harry Potter.
• Cute girls in this flick so far. Even Andrea Martin. This is 1973 Andrea Martin.
• I’m 20 minutes in and I’m losing faith that this is a comedy horror film. There’s nothing funny yet since the chime gag in the first scene.
• This one guy that is “staying” with the “Cannibal Girls” says that he runs parades as a business. Is that supposed to be a gag or something?
• There’s 3 guys staying with the girls and one of them says he’s been there for 3 days and he hasn’t scored with one of the girls. These girls are very attractive but probably not worth staying with for 3 days with nothing to show for it, especially if you have something more important to do. I said probably.
• Oooh, some bewbs. As well as the arooga horn as he’s killed with a pair of scissors.

• Haha, the guy is cuddling with the girl he wanted and said it was “worth waiting the 3 days.” What a putz.
• Man this cat has one hairy back!
• He’s dispatched with an ax in that hairy back. So why did he get laid and then killed when the first guy was just shown the girl’s boobs and then stabbed with scissors?
• And he was killed with no arooga horn warning. What the hell?
• This guys is seriously late for his parade duties.
• It’s been a real long time since we’ve seen Levy and Martin.
• Are the girls pouring gravy on the last fella while he’s handcuffed to the bed.
• This motel manager is really spending a lot of time telling Levy and Martin the legend of the Cannibal Girls.
• Please please please don’t show me a sex scene between Levy and Martin.
• Oh good, she asks him to play guitar instead.
• The guitar ballad he plays puts her to sleep. And I’m not far behind.
• Now there’s a fist fight between 3 dudes. Am I watching the same movie?
• There’s some sort of side-plot involving the sheriff of the town being in cahoots with the cannibal girls perhaps. All I know is that he’s trying to hide a dead body and tells some other fella to bring the body to there sheriff’s wife cause she’ll know what to do with it.
• The butcher in town tells a patron buying meat that if the meat was any fresher the meat itself would’ve told her. 

• The reverend in this house that Levy and Martin walked in is dressed like a magician and looks like Jim Henson.
• The reverend is telling stories to Levy and Martin about some artifacts in the house. One item is a sword belonging to a French executioner who apparently cut off his own head when he slipped trying to decapitate someone else. Again, is this a joke or what? It’s not particularly funny really.
• This warning bell joke, if you want to call it that, is really not worth it. And sadly, it’s the best gag in this slog.
• The reverend just nonchalantly mentioned that his sister used to stay in this room before she died who they burned her at the stake. The humor in this movie is so bland and few and far between.
• Later in the night, the cannibal girls and the reverend handcuff Levy to the bed as the reverend tries to hypnotize Martin to make her drink Levy’s blood. Levy (in true Levy fashion) annoyingly yells at Martin and she snaps out off it and runs out of the house.
• Huh, was this all a dream? After Martin was given a sedative by the doctor that picked her up after she left the cannibal girl’s house and fell asleep, she wakes up back in the motel when Levy was playing guitar earlier. If this is some sort of ruse on the Reverend and the cannibal girl’s part, then what’s the actual point?
• Levy and Martin are fighting and I can’t tell you why because I lost all care in this flick.
• There’s about 11 minutes left in this turkey and I can’t wait for it to end.

• They go to a movie theatre showing Sometimes a Great Notion starring Paul Newman and I’d much rather watch that right now.
• So the sheriff sees them loitering on a sidewalk and tells them to get in his squad car. A moment later he asks them where they were headed. Levy says to the nearest restaurant and the sheriff tells him that this is no taxi. Then why did the sheriff make them get in this squad car?
• As I suspected, Levy brought Martin to the cannibal girl’s house because he’s in cahoots with them and the reverend. Why and how is beyond me.
• Martin, in her anger at his betrayal, kills Levy. Wait, so now she’s in cahoots with the cannibal girls? This makes zero sense. This is not how twists work! 
• The final scene is everyone at a feast and devouring what was probably Levy. I’m sure it was a kosher meal—ZING!

Is It Actually Palatable: Not really. Its hardly funny, interesting or has any decent horror atmosphere enough to keep any casual fan from being entertained.

Scariest Entree: Eugene Levy playing guitar or that guy’s hairy back.

Is It Raw and Bloody: Actually yes. The film does a decent job showing blood and guts. But nothing to write home about though.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: As well as some bewbs. Again, nothing worth bragging about.

Most Delectable Line: Sadly, a movie with this much comedic talent, there was not one line I can say was funny.

Most Delicious Scene: You know what, let’s just watch the only clip from the movie from youtube. 

Most Flavorless Scene: The “twist” ending was ridiculous. It was a double twist really and both parts made zero sense. 

Overall: According to legend, Reitman screened this flick at Spain’s International Horror Festival back in 1973 and both Levy and Martin won acting awards. How bad was the horror acting in Spanish speaking films back then for them to win for this movie? I mean usually I’m a huge fan of Levy, Martin and Reitman’s career but this was one dull and lame horror and/or comedy. I would much rather watch one of those Made-For-DVD American Pie sequels that starred Levy than ever watch this again. It’s a shame too because I was looking forward to this being a hidden gem with the cast and it being Reitman but this turned out to be one of the worse movies I watched this month.

Score: 3 Parade Entrepreneurs (out of 10)