Dead Sushi (2012)
What’s on the Menu: SUSHI COMES ALIVE! is Peter Frampton’s lesser-known and much less commercially successful album he recorded in an inexcusably offensive Japanese accent at the Tokyo Dome in 1989.
Here are some of my observations as I dined:
- Ok! I have my “This movie stinks!” joke chambered and ready to go. Please don’t make me use it.
- It’s so hard to take notes for a subtitled movie. No I’m not making excuses. You try it sometime! Stop judging me!!
- Five finger filet! Where’s Bill Paxton when you need him? Oh, right…
- This young Japanese lady is learning the secrets of sushi making from her father in a wicked montage. It’s just like a Dunkin’ Donuts training video with slightly less martial arts.
- So our heroine, Keiko, runs away from her dad because he doesn’t think ladies should be in the sushi bidness. She gets a job at an inn that’s famous for its sushi. Something’s fishy. (I will be using that joke at least 86 more times in this post.)
- A homeless guy has a killer squid that attacks a young couple because they spoiled his garbage sushi. That’s funny. I’ve never seen garbage eat garbage before. It slices the girl’s head right the fuck off and it sticks its tongue down her boyfriend’s throat and then it bores through both their heads and it’s fantastic.
- This is actually a good tutorial on how to properly eat sushi if nothing else. Soy sauce on the fish only, turn rightside up, whole thing in mouth. and those steps can be used for a lot of things. Also, if your sushi taste funny, you’re probably eating clownfish.
- So Keiko tells the inn sushi chef his sushi is shit, then she fights him and a bunch of customers. who among us who’ve worked in the restaurant business have not had these same feelings?
- The homeless man used to work for the pharmaceutical company who are the guests at the inn and he created a serum to revive dead tissue. So I guess he invented Viagra.
- The squid has the power to reanimate sushi so they start fucking people up inside and out. Except poor egg sushi. No one respects poor egg sushi.
- The special effects are almost as unforgivably egregious as the California rolls I got at Trader Joe’s once.
- The sushi chef and the innkeeper’s wife kiss while passing a raw egg yolk between their mouths and it’s the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life and I’ve seen Brad eat ribs.
- “Any sushi that sings so good can’t be that bad.”
- Body sushi!
- I don’t understand how the sushi got the power of flight. There’s a sentence I never expected to type more than three times this week.
- This movie is incredibly stupid but a lot of fun, like badminton.
- The homeless guy and the squid merge into one Tuna Man, shouting, “I am tuna!”
- A random naked lady comes into the hot tub while that jerk boss is in there and Tuna Man chops his head off and blood sprays everywhere but she has her eyes closed and just thinks it’s a warm shower. She doesn’t even suspect that something’s fishy.
- The sushi are mating! Little baby sushi fly out!
- Sushi zombies! This movie has everything!
- I was wrong. Keiko makes sushi nunchucks. NOW this movie has everything.
- I was wrong. Tuna Man vomits up a giant sushi roll battleship. NOW this movie has everything.
- So the sushi is defeated, Keiko goes home to her old man to reconcile, but some killer tuna has hitchhiked on her back! But Keiko kills it and serves it the fuck up because she rules.
Is It Actually Palatable: I suppose it depends on your taste for completely off-the-wall Japanese madness, which would be a good name for a sushi dish. But if you like that, you’ll love this.
Scariest Entree: Some jump scares. A lot of body horror, like when I take a shower.
Is It Raw and Bloody: A sushitload of gore!
Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Some female full-frontal when Tuna Man cuts off the boss’s head.
Most Delectable Line: “Things have reached a point where they no longer make any sense!” That is the greatest line in Schlocktoberfest history.
Most Delicious Scene: It’s hard to pick just one insane scene, so here’s kind of a montage of sushi silliness that will help you decide whether this is the kind of dish you want to order.
Most Flavorless Scene: Definitely the raw egg kiss between the sushi chef and the innkeeper’s wife. I have no soul and it made even me want to vomit. Be thankful on this Thanksgiving Day that I can’t find a clip of it.
Overall: This was actually not a horrible bowl of diarrhea soup like everything else I’ve watched. It’s a fun movie, although insanely odd, but that’s it’s charm. Again, if you like this kind of movie already and haven’t seen this you should, there’s no reason you wouldn’t like it unless you have a fish allergy. It could have been too dumb for its own good, but fortunately it has some likable characters, and Keiko is awesome and I actually want to seek out and watch more of Rina Takeda’s movies. And I would also like to see what else Tuna Man has been in, because his performance was so fintastic, I’m hooked.
Score: 7 Raw Egg Kisses (out of 10)
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