Hannibal (2001)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The galloping gourmet Hannibal Lecter is at it again, and he’s back to cook with gas and wok your world. Ecccchh, that was a terrible intro. Fuck me.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• I haven’t seen that tiny square growing to a full-shot for decades.
• Gary Oldman truly is this generation’s Man of a Thousand Faces, regardless of the fact that in this movie he doesn’t have one.
• Barney is both the C-3PO and R2-D2 of the Hannibal Lecter cinematic universe.
• Lecter’s mask is also the Skywalker lightsaber of the aforementioned universe.
• These opening credits have the Scott family written all over them.
• I always loved how that flock of pigeons formed Lecter’s face. I would have used ravens – but that’s just me.
• All of the critique of this movie aside, you gotta admit that that nobody except Julianne Moore could have taken over as Clarice from Jodie Foster.
• I find her West Virginian accent slightly less hot than her Boston accent from 30 Rock.
• Once again it’s probably just me, but being holed up in a hot truck watching Julianne Moore sleep isn’t the worst thing to have to do.
• Gee, are the local cops gonna fuck up this bust?
• Clarice takes out the head drug lord chick with one shot, takes a bullet herself, and then washes the drug lord’s baby free of HIV-tainted blood. That would qualify for a promotion in my book boy-howdy.
• We are now treated to a newscast that gives the entire Clarice backstory for the two people in this world who haven’t seen Silence Of The Lambs.
• I don’t care if he is the prick bad-guy in this flick, I love Ray Liotta in whatever he does.
• Besides Kredler, am I the only one who wants to be chastised by Julianne Moore with that West Virginian accent?
  

  Look what you’re God has done to me!

• I still have no idea why this movie didn’t get a special make-up effects Oscar.
• It’s hard to believe that the guy with a face like a melted asshole was once a child molester.
• Via good ‘ole reliable VHS tapes – we finally get to see Lecter eat that nurse’s tongue that Chilton mentioned in Silence.
• Is there a connection between the opening credits and Barney’s penchant for dead pigeons? Probably not.
• Ciao Italia!
• Dr. Fell sure looks familiare.
• I love how Lecter just can’t help fucking with people.
• Who knew that Hector Salamanca was brought in by the FBI as a scent expert? I was waiting for Gus to sit in front of him saying, “Sniff at me Hector.”
• One of the other scent experts was the Indian guy from Office Space. Fuck Lundberg.
• American cops walk into their precincts announcing that they need tickets to a ball game, Italian cops do the same yet request opera tickets.
• Europeans in the early aughts smoke like Americans in the 1940’s.
• Sly boots Lecter always drinks wine by holding the glass with his napkin, and wiping it completely down when finished.
• Computers were that shitty 17 years ago?
• The FBI’s Top Ten Most Wanted criminals at the time of this movie included Bin Laden and Whitey Bulger Jr. Two down.
• There’s a $250,000 bounty for Lecter from the FBI – call IG-88.
• Yet another Google link leads to a bounty for Lecter to the tune of $3,000,000 – call Boba Fett.
• I’ve never heard of country pussy being described as cornpone before. Although, it does make literal sense.
• The Italian cop on the phone with Clarice looks like he should be next to DiCaprio on the bow of a ship shouting, “Amerdica…I love her!”
• Those Firenze public pay phones are still in use today here in New York, however they are now called urinals.
• You can wash your hands in a public fountain in Italy? Wow.
• The pick-pocket thinks Lecter tried to hit him in the balls, when he in fact stabbed him in the femoral artery. A common mistake.
• I think the wild boar fountain is ironic foreshadowing.
  

  I’m trying to eat your prefrontal lobe here Hendry, you wanna help me out?

• See? There are boars in the very next scene.
• I remember leaving the theater and immediately buying the soundtrack to this movie based solely on this Dante opera.
• Lecter has the greatest head-turns since Michael Myers.
• Judas Iscariot allegory. Oh shit.
• Bowels are out for Pazzi as he gets hung from the balcony. That sounded like an Italian prog rock lyric.
• It’s so good to see Lecter back on his home turf and shopping. The guy has exquisite taste in cookware. I would very much like to get a copper sauté pan.
• It looks like Dracula will finally have revenge on Van Helsing here.
• Those are some serious Pavlovian hogs.
• Fucking Clarice, she should be Captain Marvel.
• Cordell sure can have his allegiance switched with just one suggestion.
• Here comes the greatest dinner scene ever to hit celluloid.
• Above or below the wrist? Lecter could have just chopped at the small chain between the handcuffs.
• This escape scene was edited wrong.
• That is one expensive to-go box from Dean & DeLuca.
• This is the longest movie I have reviewed here so far.
• Ta Ta. H.
  

  Drink Bacardi, Clarice.

Is It Actually Palatable: Very. Out of all of the sequels in the Lecter saga, this is one that is quite savory. Was that a good enough dining analogy?

Scariest Entree: This movie wasn’t scary, it wasn’t a thriller, it was scene after scene of rooting for Lecter to get the revenge he deserved. So I root for the bad guy, sue me.

Most Nauseating Moment: I guess would be the serving of Krendler’s brain to himself live on the plate. Then again, some people find sushi repulsive. I for one enjoy raw fish, yet am not a fan of sweetbreads.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: I’d say when Jodie Foster read the book, hated the ending and bowed out of the movie; yet the movie ended up having the exact opposite ending of the one she hated. Look, I love both Foster and Moore, but for fuck’s sake what a mess this was.

Is It Raw and Bloody: For a mainstream sequel it is pretty gory. Pazzi’s bowels are spilled out all over the fucking palazzo, fresh brains for dinner, crazy-ass boars eating people willy-nilly, and Gary Oldman’s face are enough to make most people upchuck their popcorn.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: For the first time this month – nope. However, Julianne Moore can rock a side-boob shot like it’s nobody’s business.

Most Delectable Line: “On a related note I must confess to you, I’m giving very serious thought… to eating your wife.” I have said that twice in my life – yet in a different context.

Most Delicious Scene: The entire sequence of Lecter stalking Clarice once he gets back to the states is incredible.

Most Flavorless Scene: There are tons if you’ve read the book before seeing the movie. Numerous b-plots were omitted, characters deleted, and a lot was changed for the flow of the screenplay. If that doesn’t bother you, feel free to move back three entries and be bummed out about the nudity.

Overall: One of the best modern examples of how a book can be so much better than the movie no matter how hard the attempt to translate; yet the movie is still great. I’m sure there are women in their 80’s from the deep south who to this day still say that Clark Gable was utter shit in Gone With The Wind; but everyone’s a critic aren’t they?

Gulp Rating: 4 (out of 5) Henry Hill brain buffets