Eaten Alive (1980)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: People lost in the jungle and getting eaten by cannibals. What the fuck did you think it was about?

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• Why are these cannibal movies always 91 minutes long?
• This one at least opens in Canada instead of New York.
• Nope, spoke to soon – here we are in the old gritty Big Apple once again.
• Who is this guy and why is he wearing a Wampa fur coat over his suit?
• 30 Rock again. Still hoping Judah Friedlander gets eviscerated.
• This blowgun assassin is pretty unstoppable – no wait, he’s run over by a truck in midtown after dispatching some Chris Elliott looking guy in Top Gun shades. Never mind.
• Starring Robert Kerman. Did not see that coming.
• Disco music over opening credits – haven’t seen that before either.
• Zappa’s “Baby Snakes” was playing at the Victoria – I bet that’s going to be the coolest shot in the movie.
• Yet, the Harris had “Game Of Death” playing as well. I’ll take Zappa over the Master any day.
• I’ve never heard Alabama described as “sunny” have you?
• The darts used by the assassin were coated in cobra venom. Someone alert G.I. Joe of this immediately.
• A cult leader named Jonas, subtle.
• The ritual Sheila watches on the recovered film involves the hanging of some tribal musicians on metal hooks – I know a few bands that I’d like to have that done to.
• After Kerman won his arm wrestling match, I really wanted him to yell, “Bistore!” while everyone cheered.
• I don’t think that the fact that Kerman’s character is a ‘Nam deserter will affect his status of the main hero of the picture.
• Hey now! Sheila drops the n-word. Guess she really is from Alabama.
• Kerman doesn’t like rock music, he likes whiskey. That made absolutely no fucking sense.
• The chopper they take to the jungle lands in what looks like Hef’s grotto and not New Guinea.
• Those aren’t birds Sheila, they’re giant vampire bats. If I may reference Indiana Jones for the second, but probably not the last time this evening.
• While this alligator is being killed and gutted, the townsfolk are shouting at it like it owes them money.
• Ha! The ‘ole faking your death by cobra bites so you can escape trick.
• You know, I think I’m finally starting to warm up to Kerman, bordering on enjoyment.
• Another useless shot of a monkey getting eaten alive by an anaconda. I guess animal deaths in cannibal movies are used as foreshadowing, regardless of the fact that nobody realized these snakes all have aids now.
• Kerman and Sheila’s sexual tension doesn’t really remind you of David and Maddie’s. Bet not one of you know what TV show I’m referencing here.
  

  “Come to me my babies, let me quell your pain.”

• There is some sort of alligator attack on the canoe here, but it is smash cut to Kerman and Sheila on the beach so quickly I have a migraine. I think it was a Ramon cameo.
  
• The guide steals all of the gear while our adventurers sleep, and is found not too far away half eaten and dead. Adios Sapito. There, that should do it for the Indy references.
• Finally after 1/3 of the film we get to see someone eaten alive as advertised.
• Why are tits and dicks the first things always cut off and eaten? Are they considered the oysters of human beings? Asking for a friend.
• It took a lot longer for Jack Colton to bang Joan Wilder, Kerman sure has game. Must have been all those pornos he did.
• “Are you a doctor?” “My name is Dick.” So no?
• A banner with a sword on it and a creepy guy in a red gown isn’t even a good thing in Game Of Thrones.
• Now we get to see a guy slapping his cobra non-metaphorically.
• OK, so this cult is in a completely remote part of the jungle, yet at a funeral they can blast Toccata and Fugue in D-Minor through a PA?
• Diana has a great rack.
• The ritual that will happen to dissolve the widow from her marriage to the departed does not bode well.
• Knew it – she gets gang-banged by her three former brothers-in-law. Kinda like Prima Nocta in reverse.
• You would think that these three guys would last longer since they have no access to any sort of porn, or is this a glass half empty kind of thing?
• A real live mongoose versus cobra fight! Hell fucking yeah! I got a C-note on Rikki-Tikki-Tavi.
• It still hurts to see the World Trade Center during pan shots of old Manhattan.
• Some horror scholar has to write a paper on the significance of New York being present in every cannibal movie.
• Jonestown happened two years before this movie was made, so why would anyone in their right mind take a cup and imbibe while some asshole in a robe says, “Drink my children.”
• Again with the Bach.
  

  Santa deals with a protestor outside of the Rivoli during a screening of Silent Night, Deadly Night.

• Sheila is stripped naked while Jonas coats a dildo in cobra blood. Not good.
• A quick shot to an iguana vomiting something that looks like an entire snake. Why? Well, he probably found out the snakes were eating the monkeys for one.
• Now if you’re in a jungle ridden with cannibals, why the fuck would you ever run towards someone screaming? It’s like poking your head out to see where the gunshots are coming from in Detroit.
• It’s too bad I used the another schwantz bites the dust joke already, ‘cause there goes another one.
• I really hope Kerman makes it out of this one too, I’ve grown accustomed to his face.
• Drinking “sacred ambrosia” while captured by a cult in a remote jungle is scary – but when everyone around you starts singing The Battle Hymn Of The Republic while you chug; that’s just fucked up.
• Some of the native girls are even harmonizing.
• After her whole ordeal with Jonas and the cobra-bloodied dildo, Sheila is now being Goldfinger’d. No, that’s not a cheap joke – she’s actually being painted gold.
• Diana, in a truly Darth Vader-in-the-last-minutes-of-Jedi moment, stops Jonas from whipping her sister.
• Aside from some more lovely shots of Me Me Lai’s nakedness, was that iguana gutting necessary?
• Ms. Lai is the only reason I’m looking forward to Jungle Holocaust in two more postings from now.
• Sheila does not seem to be acting like she’s brainwashed.
• These monkey dances during the purification rituals leave a lot to be desired.
• Diana, Sheila, and Kerman are doing those not-so-subtle head nods like they were in the sail barge assault in Return of the Jedi. That’s two Indy and two Jedi references – where’s my check Lucasfilm?
• It’s a good thing Kerman is a porn actor, or else he’d be way too distracted by Me Me Lai’s constant nudity.
• While stupid Sheila is trapped in a hole and screaming for Kerman’s help, which she doesn’t really want due to the brainwashing; Diana and Me Me Lai are raped and literally torn apart and eaten. And she gets to survive why exactly?
• Those choppers showed up at such a perfect time I can’t believe we didn’t hear Ride Of The Valkyries.
• There was absolutely no reason for the chopper to start to take off, unless the production really wanted Kerman to do the jump up and hang on to the landing gear stunt.
• The movie ends with a mass suicide at the compound, but Jonas’ body was not recovered. Dum-dum-DUM!
  

  The constant harassment by members of the Robert Kerman Fan Club led the actor to many sleepless nights.

Is It Actually Palatable: Actually, it kinda is. There’s a plot, there’s motivation, there’s Robert Kerman, there’s tons of nudity, and uh – yeah you can watch it.

Scariest Entree: This cannibal movie actually had a scary part to it: brainless lemmings following a horseshit religious leader. Terrifying every time.

Most Nauseating Moment: In this particular opus, when the inevitable monkey gets eaten by a giant anaconda – you see the poor thing’s eyes look around in panic while its head is trapped in the snake’s jaw. It makes you wish it were certain government officials in there instead.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: Hiring the absolute worse voice-over actresses in SAG to do the Alabama accents for Sheila and Diana. Christ, Vivien Leigh put some effort into it, why not them?

Is It Raw and Bloody: I have four more mondo-esque cannibal movies to go – so I shouldn’t really need to answer this question from here on out.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: An absolute, non-stop grand parade of breasts as well as full frontal thrown in here and there for the connoisseurs.

Most Delectable Line: “Look lady, this part of the world is known for two things: crazy religions and the clap.” No, that’s the southern US actually.

Most Delicious Scene: Any with the delectable Mei Mei Lai in them. Look, these are cannibal movies; you want the nudity not the gore – unless of course you’re weird.

Most Flavorless Scene: Is it ever explained why those people in the beginning were bumped off by the blowgun hit man? Was I not paying attention during the denouement or do I just not give a shit and needed something for this category? Who knows?

Overall: This is one cannibal movie that actually had some drive to it, as well as a rudimentary plot. The extreme gross-out scenes were thrown in basically because they had to be – but as far as the genre goes; this one stands out just a little bit. It’s no Cannibal Holocaust but then again what is?

Gulp Rating: 3 (out of 5) Robert Kerman fans say yay