Alligator (1980)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: One of living in the city’s biggest urban myths: alligators in the sewers comes true and wreaks absolute havoc in…Missouri? Ooookay.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Gator wrestling. Reason #75 to hate the south.
• Now that the little girl named her baby alligator Ramon, I shall address him as such from here on out.
• Oh yes, Henry Silva’s in this – game on.
• All it takes is one asshole hick of a father and your pet alligator is doing the watusi down the shitter.
• 12 years later. Uh oh. That kind of a title card is never good.
• 5 minutes in and we have a severed arm at the waste treatment plant and not on Amity beach.
• The first victim’s name was Ed Norton. Get it? From the Honeymooners? ‘Cause he worked in the sewer? Fuck you.
• I loved how the dog just walked up to and sat beside the fire hydrant. He must have been a Strasberg student wanting to break the stereotypes of his character.
• You knew the creep pet store owner was Ramon’s next meal as soon as he started chucking dead Lassies down the drain.
• Said creep’s leg pops up in the water. Jaws reference numero dos.
• He was also wearing alligator wing tips. Buh-dump-bump.
• Detectives never seem to realize that standoffish scientists are always hiding something.
• He severs the dog’s larynxes? Oh this piece of shit needs to meet my pal Ramon.
• The chief of police is Frankie “5 Angels” Pentangeli from GF2.
• I can’t believe NBC allowed this film the use of their mic jacket.
• Does Marvel Comics know that the town’s paper is “The Daily Bugle?”
• Why is there so much attention paid to Robert Forster’s impending baldness?
• I realize that it’s the early 80’s, but they haven’t invented haz mat suits yet? Who the hell goes down into a sewer in their civvies’?
• Young cop volunteers to go down into the sewer = so long Kelly.
• This douchebag reporter is just begging to be a chew toy.
• Of course no one believes Det. Brody, I mean Det. Madison.
• You yell Komodo dragon, everybody goes “Huh? What?” You yell alligator, and we have a panic on our hands in our sewage system.
• Christ, Madison even flips through an alligator attack book like Brody did with sharks.
• I’ll try to stop with the Jaws jokes, I’m sorry.
• We’ve been made aware of the dangers of methane in the sewer yet SWAT brings rocket launchers with them.
• Of course Dr. Kendall is the little girl from the beginning. I hope she can “Fay Wray” Ramon into calming down if things get tense.
• Henry Silva stars as Col. Quint, I mean Col. Brock. Look, I know what I said but there are too many similarities with Jaws to ignore making jokes about it.
• Why isn’t there one person with an Izod shirt on?
• Do cops have to talk about their worst career fuck-ups post coitus?
• Col. Brock dies the exact same way Quint did by slowly going down the beast he is hunting’s throat. See? I told ya.
• The door to the Chinese restaurant clearly says push, but Marissa pulls it open. Why did I bother with that one? Because I felt like you were still mad at me for the Jaws stuff.
• Ramon eats everyone who has done him wrong at the Slade family wedding. Oh, sweet irony.
• I don’t think the old man in the walker realized he was in a movie.
• Thankfully Madison blows up Ramon without a “smile you son of a bitch.”

Sgt. Rafferty will miss the dance finals.

Is It Actually Scary: Sitting on the toilet thinking about the movie’s premise is.

Scariest Moment: Seeing all of those dead dogs. I really hate that.

Waitress could I have more of those scallops wrapped in bacon?

Most Disturbing Moment: Watching that poor dog trying to bark without his fucking larynx. I love dogs and hate asshole scientists.

Dumbest Moment: While in the midst of a massive hunt for Ramon, we are treated to American capitalism in its finest hour as people try to hawk alligator merchandise to onlookers.

How Much Gore: Some severed arms and legs, dog carcasses, and plenty of blood.

Best Line: “You’re the country’s leading herpetologist, you have a wonderful mind, a Doctor’s degree and beautiful tits.” Robert Forster has the soul of a poet.

Make me eat nothing but genetically modified dogs will ya?

Best Scene: Ramon going full on Wilson and Vaughn at the Slade wedding.

Worst Scene: Henry Silva’s absolute delight in finding a pile of alligator shit.

Any Nudity: Ramon does all of his scenes au natural, but other than that no.

Overall: One of the better entries into the “nature gone crazy” genre. This movie was always on Saturday afternoons when I was a children, and it brings back great memories. It’s the best giant alligator movie out there, and unless you’re in upstate New York in 1980 watching some very important Olympic hockey games; fuck Lake Placid.

Score: 9 baby alligators who don’t need Betty White’s help (out of 10)