The Forest (1982)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Two sets of hikers set off into some California forest and run afoul from some cannibalistic hillbilly. There’s also some ghosts too for some good measure. Suffice to say, it’s no tree-t.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The film is called The Forest and by jove it’s set in a forest already!
• Someone is stalking this couple in the woods. Only the lady suspects anything. We know this because every few shots feature her scared look as she turns around when she hears a noise. I’m pretty sure it’s the same exact shot of her.
• The skeptical husband/boyfriend of the couple of course gets a knife to the gut.
• I’m going gout on a limb here thinking that this couple ain’t making it to the finale.
• Nice juxtaposition of her bloody hand next to the pretty flowers. Adds a bit of flair to the scene.
• You know what this movie needs now? About a minute of heavy city traffic scenes.
• This fella in the car with his buddy is one awful actor. He’s giving quite the wooden performance.
• Why wood two guys want to plan a camping trip without their wives? If I was one of their wives I’d heavily suspect something.
• Especially these fine looking ladies.
• After a few minutes of mocking each other’s camping skills in the past, the one guy (the awful actor guy from earlier—Steve) suggests they go camping together! What ever wood give him that idea!?
• So the wives are going camping without the husbands a week before they do. This is silly. This is also how most porno’s start.
• Steve and his wife seem awfully lovey-dovey for a couple on the rocks (according to Steve earlier in the flick.
• They are also neighbors? Of course they are.

• I’m not sure why (yet) but the guys are leaving that day for camping too. Are they afraid that the wives will be harmed in the woods or do they want to surprise them?
• The guys have to stop and repair Charlie’s leaky radiator.
• $140 bucks and 4 hours to plug a leaky radiator?! What a bunch of saps! They definitely got ripped off from this shady mechanic! They should’ve went to Lee Myles!
• Meanwhile the poor and defenseless wives are getting closer and closer to getting raped or killed!
• The wives are annoyed because rain’s coming and they have to pitch a tent. And I’m getting annoyed watching this.
• Charlie just said that it never rains in California. What?
• A park ranger or cop is giving Charlie and Steve some dire warnings about people that never returned from camping trips in this forest. Hey, ya know shit happens sometimes.
• This song is hilarious. It’s called “Dark Side of the Forest” and it’s as ridiculous as it sounds.

• For some odd reason, we see ghost-like visuals of some young kids arguing. Are they supposed to be Hansel and Gretel or something?
• Also the wives are greeted by another ghost of the kids’ mother asking if they saw her kids. She has blood dripping down her forehead. Then she disappeared. The wives’ took this encounter pretty easily I must say.
• Now there’s an old man on a rocking chair in a cave talking to the kids. What the hell is going on here?! I had no idea that this movie was supposed to be a supernatural thriller.
• Why are the wives sleeping outside the tent!?
• Now I’m pining for the good ol’ days of watching Metal-themed schlock like Rocktober Blood.
• The kids somehow warned the wives that their dad is coming to kill them. But they were the ones that told their dad about the wives in the first place. Whose side are they on? And why did they have a bloody pocket knife? I’m already asking too many questions and it’s only been 33 minutes in.
• The old man says that he doesn’t want to hurt Teddi (one of the wives) but he’s starving and hasn’t eaten for days. Let’s look past the fact that this guy could hunt various animals for food if he 100% has to stay in the forest. But since he chooses to only dine on human flesh, how often can he possibly eat? How many people go camping on a weekly basis? And why hasn’t he been caught yet by authorities if this is a poplar camping forest?

• Well anyway he killed Teddi and was witnessed by Sharon. He chased Sharon for a bit but she got away.
• I though it never rains in California Charlie!
• Holy Shit! This movie was written and directed by the same kook that made the disturbingly awful Molly and the Ghost! Had I known that I mapled out of reviewing this from the start!
• “Nothing on this trip makes any sense.” Nothing in this film makes sense. But anyway, what are they confused by anyway? They just got a little lost. Can happen to anyone in a forest.
• Man, at this point I’m totally rooting for the old cannibal killer hillbilly.
• Charlie and Steve manage to find the old man’s cave and the old man invites them to dinner. He’s awfully generous for a cannibal that is starving and was complaining earlier about a lack of decent food supply.
• I forgot who was married to whom but Charlie may have just taken a bite outta his wife. And for some reason looks sick and “got a chill.” Guess he knows what his wife tastes like.
• This old cannibal sure has a clean-looking beard for a guy that’s been living in the woods for a long time eating people.

• The old man is recounting via flashback that he lives in the woods (and dines on people) because his wife was an enormous whore.
• Hahaha. The wife is such a whore that she doesn’t care that her husband comes home early while she’s banging the fridge repairman. She even locked the kids in the bedroom closet while she fucked around.
• In John the cannibal’s flashback, he kills his wife in the bedroom and then confronts the repairman who stupidly actually works on the fridge (which for some unknown reason is outside the house). This fight between them is ridiculous and hilarious. John eventually pushes the guy onto a saw blade to kill him. All while his kids watch him. They then watch him bury the guy and his wife in the backyard. He then takes them and ventures into the woods.
• I guess I wood go nuts too and start a new life eating people in the woods.
• Charlie just said he’s not going to sleep in this old man’s cave because he suspects he’s a murderer. Why is he and Steve staying in this cave then?
• Is there any particular reason why John the cannibal isn’t killing these two idiots? We know he eats both male and female since we saw him kill that couple in the first scene in the flick. And if he’s always complaining about food, you’d think he wood acquire as much as possible. Although with no refrigeration that human meat will spoil fast I suppose. If only he didn’t kill the fridge repairman before he finished the job.
• From a distance Charlie kinda looks like Steve Perry. “Shoulda been GooOoone!”
• Steve picks up a handful of mud and asked Charlie “What can you make of that?” Now all I’m thinking of that old Airplane joke.
• Sharon is surprisingly calm and collected for a woman being hunted and having her friend killed in front of her. She’s also not that perplexed at these ghost children.
• Speaking of, is this flick going to explain why the mother and the kids are ghosts and how that’s possible?
• How long has Charlie and Steve been looking for their wives? They practically started as soon as the old man woke them up and Charlie says that it’s about a 6-hour hike back to the cars. Steve thinks they should go to the authorities but that 6-hour hike wood be tough since it will be dark before they reach the cars. Oak-kay. But Charlie also just wants to stay at the wives’ camp site because he doesn’t want to jump to conclusions about the wives’ circumstances. The fact that they have been looking for the wives that long in that same day should give Charlie the idea that something is terribly wrong with their wives. This is so dumb.
• So Steve decides to go back to the cars to get help. But the idiot somehow hurts his leg badly on some rocks by the river. Asshole.
• BOOM MIKE!
• He compound fractured his lower leg?! Seriously? 
• Sharon is having a conversation with the ghost kids about how their mother died and how they killed themselves and how sad life is. This is atrocious.
• How the hell is Steve still walking. That walking stick can’t possibly help a compound fracture. Why doesn’t he go back to Charlie. He can’t have gotten that far before he fell and broke his leg.
• This film could’ve benefitted without the stupid ghost children and mother plot line.
• Charlie just asked the old man who attacked him if he was crazy. John replies “Of course I’m crazy!”
• Now John is getting his ass kicked by Charlie. John was never a skilled fighter as evidenced by his flashback with the fridge repairman.
• Wait a minute, how did Charlie lose this battle? That was utterly pathetic.
• OH ENOUGH of these damn ghost kids!!

• Obvious neck cut make-up effect is totally obvious.
• This film wood make more sense if crazy John the cannibal can only see and talk to his dead family because like he said he’s crazy but the fact that anyone in these woods can is downright silly.
• For some insane reason John let Sharon go before he killed her. I don’t know nor care at this point.
• Steve’s still going! Sure, he’s just lumbering along but he’s tenacious. Go Steve Go!
• Steve is fairing better at defending himself against John than Charlie did. And Steve has a broken leg!
• Sharon saves her husband by running at John with John’s Bowie knife while John thinks Sharon is his wife seeking revenge. Weird thing was this ridiculous editing effect of multi-flashing the exposure as she was running to make it look “interesting.” Slo-mo like Alice killing Mrs. Voorhees [Spoilers!] in the finale of Friday the 13th worked well enough.
• The kids disappear and the mother asks where they are to Sharon and Steve. Sharon says they are not here. The Mother just disappears then. This is painful to watch.
• Now some terrible pop ballad is playing as the mother sees her kids with their father back in his cave. Then they disappear as the credits roll. 
• AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Is It Actually Palatable: I’ve seen way worse. But not many.

Scariest Entree: Please, my 6-year-old daughter wooden’t be scared of this.

Is It Raw and Bloody: There may have been some blood but nothing worth logging about. 

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Sadly, the attractive actresses never undress. We got the short end of the stick with this flick.

Most Delectable Line: The only time I enjoyed any of this wooden dialogue was when Charlie asked John if he was crazy and Joh replied: “Of course I’m crazy!”

Most Delicious Scene: All these scenes arboring and not worth talking about. But I found the flashback scene when John confronts his wife and her ‘lover’ and kills them both quite hilarious in a bad way.

Most Flavorless Scene: THere’s so many dull and terrible scenes but the boys having car issues had zero to do with anything. I guess it was to slow them down so they can’t meet up with their wives in time but really, who cares? 

Overall: There’s really nothing more to say about this incredibly bad and boring flick. I’m not sure what it wanted to do or say. It wanted to be a slasher movie, a cannibal movie and a supernatural thriller. It should’ve just stuck to one model and maybe it would’ve been a tad better. I read on Wikipedia that the writer/director actually lost his house paying for this film himself. That’s kinda sad. But seeing that he’s also the director of Molly and the Ghost I don’t give two hot shits about that. I’m just re-leafed that I’m done watching and writing about it. 

Score: 2 Many Acorny Tree/Wood Puns (out of 10)