Massacre In Dinosaur Valley (1985)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Not much of a massacre in a valley with no fucking dinosaurs.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• Opening titles done to Club Med music – I want out already.
• That photographer walking out of the lobby with the two hot models looks exactly like Freddie Mercury, so they have nothing to worry about.
• Obviously the douchebag arriving on the banana truck is the Indiana Jones archetype of this film.
• The models are doing a photo shoot with people dressed up as jungle natives – oh, sweet irony.
• The woman in the audience of this cockfight looks like Marilyn Monroe got her face sucked out of the hull of a space ship.
• How was there a winner n this cockfight? It clearly looked like a draw since both combatants were still standing.
• A Frenchman reluctant to help out an American? Say it ain’t so.
• Is this bar fight with Kevin supposed to be funny?  Because it isn’t.
• Why would the bartender talk to the French guy about bravery and fighting?
• Well, the model thanks Kevin for defending her honor in exactly the way you thought she would. However, their sex scene ends up being a tad off-putting to due to her inverted nipple.
• This passengers of this plane ride end up being the exact opposite of Lost, you hope they all die.
• Heinz, the ex-husband of the Monroe atrocity – looks like Udo Dirkschneider. Hit the music!
  
• This plane crash scene is turning out to be the funniest thing yet.
• All righty let’s sum up so far: French pilot – dead, the model Kevin banged – dead, creepy Monroe clone – hysterical yet punched in the face back to reality by Heinz, Professor – dead, photographer Freddie – head trauma, and Heinz shaken but taking command.
• Finally, some 80’s synth.
• Leeches again – yet another cannibal movie staple.
• Who wants to bet that Heinz is the first fucker offed?
• It’s not easy writing a review on Emmy night – I’ve been pausing off and on to see who won. That being said – to hell with this movie, I’d like to send out a whole lotta (what will now be belated) love to Henry Winkler!
• And now back to the valley…
• Uh oh, quasi-Monroe got some leeches on her arm and Heinz tells her to leave them on. I guess the divorce was not amicable.
• This movie fucking sucks.
  

  Belinda decided to go topless only to immediately find out that gangrene is airborne.

• There are currently six in the surviving party and I hope they all perish right now, except Eva of course.
• The blonde model is making every effort to open her legs whilst trekking in that short skirt, and I thank her for keeping this movie remotely interesting.
• Kevin has fallen into water so many times by now you would think that the Chewbacca bandolier full of shot gun shells he’s wearing would be useless.
• How much more prick-waving must we endure between Kevin and Heinz?
• Getting your leg chewed to the bone by piranha = instant stabbing by machete courtesy of Heinz.
• Heinz and Kevin are now fighting in the same pond that was full of piranha minutes ago, but they are both fine.
• Now some croc stock footage is thrown in for extra tension.
• Jack Colton, Kevin is not.
• That was a truly touching marriage proposal on the Emmy’s wasn’t it?
• The shitty Monroe buys it in some quicksand, while Heinz presses on only to be lit up by tribal arrows while cursing the unseen “gooks.” Whatta guy.
• Heinz might not have ended up being the first to die, but he did die the most gruesome so far.
• Fuck, Chief Hopper lost the Emmy to Tyrion Lannister. Bloody favoritism.
  

  “Hey yo Apollo, you said there wasn’t gonna be a rematch.”

• When you’re Cannibal movie is getting slow by all means strip the female protagonists.
• Where did this tribe get stage quality magnesium flares?  Those things are good enough to melt James Hetfield.
  
• I can’t believe I’m going to use this Goldblum quote in the way it was originally intended but, “Now, eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs in this valley right? Hello?”
• Kevin has a 12-gauge shotgun, but somehow manages to fire off at least 15 shots without re-loading.
• Thanks to this chase scene, this is the one cannibal movie so far with the greatest bounce/jiggle factor – if you catch my mist, catch my myth, catch my mystery, catch my drift.
• How did these two girls get dressed so quickly on an empty canoe?
• Kevin and Eva ditch the blonde model to go look for food, start to almost have sex, and when Kevin opens Eva’s vest to reveal the goods – he gets distracted by a dinosaur footprint. Really?
• Who are these camper assholes now?
• I was about to ask what happened to the blonde model left at the river’s edge, but these people introduced from out of nowhere answered that for me.
• Is this guy Dr. Moreau?
• Why are this evil miner and his lesbian lackey introduced this close to the end?
• The blonde’s name is Belinda? Huh, who knew.
• Why would anyone make out with someone who has been in the jungle for an indeterminate amount of time? Imagine how bad their breath must be.
• Would someone kill this fat fuck of a miner already? Christ I can’t believe I’m starting to root for Kevin.
• The old bleed on to the ropes so the pigs can chew you free gag.
• How did Kevin manage to MacGyver spears and a rattlesnake bomb within ten minutes?
• Every slave Kevin frees is mowed down within seconds.
• While escaping in a helicopter with Eva, Kevin jokes that they won’t be able to join the mile-high club – regardless of the fact that she was raped only minutes ago. What a rapscallion.
• Thank fuck I’m done with this.
  

  This asshole Harry Hamlin clone still thinks he has a shot.

Is It Actually Palatable: Not even in the slightest.

Scariest Entree: Being saddled with this movie because we were running out of choices. Or did I pick this one? Oh, who fucking cares?

Most Nauseating Moment: During the bar scene, a drunk guy comes up to one of the models, lifts her skirt up and starts kissing her ass. Since that doesn’t push the envelope far enough, he then tears her blouse down and begins to suckle. There’s just no chivalry left in this world.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: Whatever special effects guy was hired to do that plane crash obviously had no experience beyond building models of planes.

Is It Raw and Bloody: Not really, Heinz got something ripped out of him and that was about it.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Thanks to the two models and Eva, the Professor’s daughter – yes.

Most Delectable Line: “Judging from the difference between the three of you, I’d say your mother was mighty busy.” Just call their mother a whore Kevin, it’ll save time.

Most Delicious Scene: The complete rip-off of Romancing the Stone, when Heinz chops off the heels of Belinda’s shoes so she can walk in the jungle better. They were Italian, now they’re practical.

Most Flavorless Scene: After Kevin watches Eva naked in the shower; he then placates the anger of her father by telling how much of a fan he is of him and the books that he’s written. And it works.

Overall: A truly horrible movie that wasn’t even saved by its nudity, and that’s saying a lot from me. When it comes to cannibal movies I’m not looking for character arcs, complicated plot twists, intriguing story lines, or heroes to cheer for; give me guts, tits, more guts, more tits, and an ending within a realm of giving a shit.  If you think different about this genre – you’re fooling yourself. Can you tell these movies are starting to get to me?

Gulp Rating: 1 god-coded shotgun (out of 5)