Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies (1992)
Trailer (or lack of thereof):
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Any movie that starts with a Suicidal Tendencies song can’t be all bad can it?
- Someone shot a car’s tires whom was driving down a desert highway. The driver comes out and starts going apeshit about the flat. He then goes berserk about not having a spare. So far we’re off to an entertaining start.
- I’ve never seen opening credits for a movie name every player in the movie with the roles they are playing in the film. (The new Halloween does this actually!)
- Now the driver, who was picked up by a priest, starts rambling on about some nonsense, freaks the padre out who then starts praying and the driver just shoots him making the car go into a ditch.
- Where is this movie going with all this?!
- From the director of such classics as The Little French Maid, Snow Honeys, Dangerous When Wet and Debbie Does Dallas 3!
- This homicidal driver fella reminds me of Jocko the Australian Energizer spokesman from the 80s.
- He then dons the priest’s collar and gets picked up by some lady in a convertible. He then attacks her, forces her to stop and attempts to rape her on the side of the road but for some reason has a change of heart and just lays down next to her. When the lady gets the chance she punctures his brain with a sharp object. She then wraps him up and stuffs him in her trunk. Pretty standard stuff really.
- She then goes to get gas and the attendant and another patron are staring at her, especially her short skirt blowing in the wind revealing her ass. The patron says, “She sure enjoys self-service.” And then the attendant says “She was here last week and did a lube job to herself.” I know where these puns are intended to allude to but they are implying that she masturbated with self-service and lube job right?
- Auntie Lee, played by Karen Black, tells the gas station hottie, Magnolia, that she should stay away from Italian men, “those puny little greaseballs with their elevator shoes.” Okie dokie.
- Michael Berryman plays Larry. The role he was born to play!
- Fawn is the another minx who is delivering the meat pies to some old Italian fella who is fawning over her playmate good looks and hot pants.
- Fawn picks up a hitch-hiker who is the same actor who played Angel Martin from Shock Em Dead! And now I have a sad sinking feeling in my gut.
- So far I’ve seen this douche in two terrible horror movies and in the first he gets to make out with Traci Lords and now he’s got another hot blonde Kristine Rose, who is also a playmate if my research is correct.
- This is so far better quality than Shock Em Dead though.
- Nice! Fawn sends him into a pantry to get something and sets a trap for him that severs his head clean off his shoulders and sends his corpse down a chute.
- Michael Berryman is a mentally challenged servant for Auntie Lee. After being berated about not cleaning the car he starts repeating “Larry’s stupid!” And bangs his head on the hood. I think he’s being too hard on himself.
- Another movie this month featuring Teri Weigel! Weird!
- Pat Morita plays a police chief in this movie! And I’m not sure, but he may be involved sexually with Auntie Lee. He also has a ridiculous southern accent.
- I wonder if the director signed up to do this picture because he accidentally misheard the title as “Auntie Lee’s Hair Pies.”
- Is this Asian minx saying Carl or Coral to Teri Weigel?
- I used to make fun of Morita making flicks like The Next Karate Kid but that’s a classic compared to something like this. I often wonder what kind of later career Morita would’ve had if he was never Mr. Miyagi?
- And what bet did Karen Black lose to be in this? I mean she’s no Meryl Streep or anything but surely she didn’t need the money to do this.
- Gawd, this is boring.
- Wait, why does Auntie Lee and Pat Morita both have southern accents when this is set in California?
- The patron at the gas station from earlier strolls into the police station and sits at Morita’s desk and makes a rather long boring one-sided phone call until Morita comes in and gets annoyed.
- The patron is named Harold Ivars and he’s a private investigator from New York. Morita already doesn’t like him. That makes two of us.
- Hahaha. Harold asks where Morita got this particular cigarette lighter. Morita says Iwo Jima. Ivars asks, “Marines?” And Morita says “Other side!”
- Michael Berryman sure has had a prolific career right?
- I think Berryman is berating a spare tire.
- Some great “Mormon’s are in-breds with brains made of mush” banter.
- There was zero reason for the German-American grocery store owner to tally up Magnolia’s order in Deutschmarks and then convert that total to dollars.
- Berryman was talking to the spare tire.
- Magnolia asks Harold Ivars if he likes to “make love.” Harold replies “Didn’t I tell you I was a professional dick.” That still doesn’t answer the question.
- Is this punk/metal band singing along to a song that is saying “Young, Fresh, Tight Pizza?”
- $100,000 says that this song was written by this band.
- “Wow. A flicker on the road to oblivion.” That is deep. As deep as a Chicago style deep young fresh tight pizza.
- I already hate this band.
- This movie is so 1992 and a hate it with every fiber of my being.
- So Coral/Carl and Skye bait this band by shooting out their tires and they bring them to Auntie Lee’s. I’ve seen so many pornos that have the same plot.
- Auntie Lee is suggesting the band take baths because she likes her guests to be “squeaky clean.” Makes sense to me.
- The mechanic that just fixed Larry’s flat tire told him to say hello to Auntie Lee and Missy. Who’s Missy? No seriously, I just double-checked imdb and there’s no Missy in this feature. Did he mean Magnolia?
- This farmer’s donkey is laughing at Harold Ivars. He’s a smart ass.
- “Sociable Diseases” Nice.
- I am taking way too notes on this movie.
- Is it weird that I’m now thinking why most of these cannibal movies don’t get too creative with how they prepare the human meat? Like there hasn’t been a movie about a successful burger joint that uses human meat. Sweeny Todd and this one make them into “meat pies” which besides Chicken Pot Pie and Shepherds Pies I can’t think of any other common meat pies that American’s would eat. The Sawyers of the Texas Chainsaw franchise just made “BBQ” out of their victims.
- Now what the fuck? There’s a female character named Baby that is in a giant crib drinking from a giant baby bottle and acts like an infant in her room. This movie is definitely not improving.
- Pat Morita has discovered Larry’s bag of human remains in his trunk and is questioning him at the police station. Morita asked him if he killed Bob Evans. Like the restauranteur?
- One of the band members insulted Auntie Lee’s girls by thinking Baby is a gag. And here I thought this band were a bunch of dimwits.
- The band leader asked to be chained up in Baby’s room because he was a trying to get Magnolia in the mood. She starts to sweet talk him while he’s chained up and Baby starts caressing him. I don’t think he planned for this sort of scenario. Especially when Baby starts biting his jugular.
- My interest in this flick has sunk to an incredible low.
- Oh wait, some bewbs.
- Fawn brought one of the band members down to a room that, no joke, has a glow-in-the-dark spray painted Stonehenge! This must be the fuck/solstice room.
- Despite the bewbs I’d much rather watch This is Spinal Tap urgently. Hell, I’ll take a spinal tap over watching this.
- There’s a shower off to the side of the Stonehenge. No walls or anything just a shower head that Fawn is rinsing off in while the guy watches. You can totally tell that the director of this was a prolific porno director prior to making this.
- The band member just said that his mama always told him to avoid “wild women” and he asks Fawn if she’s a wild woman. That depends on your definition of wild really. I’m sure that the Stonehenge with the side shower was already installed in the house before they moved in.
- I can’t tell if this is a pre-coital weed toking or a post-coital. I’m sorry, I’m just nit-picking now aren’t I?
- John just picked up a piece of intestine and said: “Care for a little Weinerschnitzel?” Do the filmmakers know what that is? And why so many German jokes in this movie?
- So it was always the intent for Auntie Lee’s girls to kill this band to make into meat pies right? Then why are they wasting time feeding them, especially human meat that they should be selling, seducing them and then killing them? They are not having sex with them as far as we’ve seen so it’s not like they just want some good company before they kill them. This is so boring and dumb.
- So Coral/Carl entices this other band member by taking him upstairs to another huge room with glow-in-the-dark spray painted items, this time it’s giant snakes. The dude is freaked out, rightfully so and doesn’t care much for it or the feeding of a mouse to a live snake.
- More Bewbs. I think we’ve seen all the girls topless except Magnolia and Auntie Lee. And Pat Morita of course.
- These two rooms are basically what you would find in either a late 80s haunted house amusement ride or those Monster Mini-Golf places.
- The sexual innuendo is so creative.
- This seduction of Harold Ivars in the pool by all 4 girls would make even Andy Sidaris blush.
- Was Harold our “hero” of this picture? Because he’s as dead as Julius Caesar now.
- So now it’s the next day and Morita is driving Larry back to the Lee mansion. Why did it take him all night to investigate this mystery?
- So Morita just suspects that just Larry is a killer. But he brings him back to the mansion to tell Auntie Lee his findings. Wouldn’t a normal police officer arrest him and jail him?
- Man, Morita is acting his heart out in this role!
- So to take care of Morita, Fawn asks him for help with the garbage disposal. A moment earlier she tuns off the disposal’s breaker in a closet. While his hand is in the disposal, Auntie Lee turns the breaker back on and Fawn turns on the disposal and they kill him by shooting him in the head. A. Why did they need to deactivate the breaker when he didn’t even see Fawn do it. B. Why did they go through this trouble when Auntie Lee shoots him dead anyway? C. Morita didn’t suspect Auntie Lee or the girls of any foul play, just Larry so his guard was down anyway. Auntie Lee could’ve shot him at any time. Ponderous.
- Why did the film have a black title card that said The End when there’s more to this silly story?
- In a strange twist, none of the evil characters in this film got in any trouble or got their just desserts. Hrm.
Is It Actually Palatable: Nothing makes sense, the acting’s horrendous, it’s literally directed by a porn director and Pat Morita has the second-worse (our review for The Stuff pending) ridiculous and unnecessary southern accent. So no.
Scariest Entree: If you can look at the mug of Michael Berryman for more than a few seconds, then you’re a braver soul than I.
Is It Raw and Bloody: There was some decent kills but I don’t recall much blood and I’m not going back to verify.
Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: The exploitation of the fine looking Playboy models is the only thing worth mentioning in this turd.
Most Delectable Line: The only interesting and clever line is when Harold asks where Morita got the lighter and he says Iwo Jima and then asks if he was in the Marines and Morita flatly says “Other side.”
Most Delicious Scene:The decapitation scene with Mr. Shock Em Dead was somewhat decently done.
Most Flavorless Scene: The movie was weird and uncomfortable enough but then they had to add in the Baby character. Also the sex scenes couldn’t be less sexy, which is odd since this was directed by the same auteur as The Long Ranger and Free and Foxy.
Overall: This flick tried hard to be “edgy” and “push an envelope” for horror-comedy and it failed on every miserable level. And it has some notable actors in it! When we were researching “food related horror films” this one came up and it took me forever to find a decent copy of this film. It’s not available on DVD. I think the digital copy I watched was taped off of someone watching it on TV. I think this movie died with Laserdiscs. I’m sure Pat Morita is rolling around in his grave knowing that I’m even watching it. This movie is a complete wasted effort and not worth anyone’s time.
Score: 2 Young, Fresh, Tight Pizzas (out of 10)