Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street (2007)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A Depp/Burton collaboration that sings.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• Holy shit I’m doing a musical. That would explain the raining frogs.
• I did not need to be told that this was a Tim Burton film, that is pretty obvious.
• Tim Burton does a musical without Danny Elfman? Huh?
• Johnny looks just like Ichabod Crane mixed with Edward Scissorhands. Was that intentional?
• Oh yeah, this is a musical – which means all internal monologues are gonna be sung. Fuck.
• There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful. I got it Johnny; let’s move on yes?
• Hans fucking Gruber! Right on.
• Is it too early to ask everyone to stop singing?
• Helena Bonham Carter can really belt one out, who knew?
• So she’s saying that these are the worst pies in London.
• Helena Bonham Carter looks exactly like she did when she became the Bride of Frankenstein.
• I miss Alan Rickman.
• Turpin rapes Lucy in front of his guests during a masquerade ball. That is all.
• Oh, those halcyon days when arsenic was available to everyone at the apothecary ‘round the corner.
• Johnny has a decent set of pipes on him as well. I guess that’s why he got to tour with Alice Cooper.
• Mrs. Lovett was basically a stalker.
• Why is it that young men in these English plays/musicals are always so femmy? Never mind, don’t answer that.
• Gee, is this beggar woman Todd’s wife – or am I getting ahead of myself?
  

  I’ve seen proprietors of B&B’s look at me like this when I pull into the parking lot.

• Christ, no one could play a villain like Rickman.
• Turpin really doesn’t want anyone gandering at his ward Johanna does he? That is the first time I have used the word “ward” when not talking about Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson.
• You would think that if you’re going to croon to a beautiful girl who is being held against her will; that you’d use the word “rescue” instead of “steal.”
• Straight razors in a holster = damn good idea.
• My pillow is never covered with hair after I shave, what the fuck is this kid talking about?
• Oh boy, Ali G with a stereotypical Italian accent.
• Using the Italian flag as a barber bib? Disgrazia.
• I’ve never let anyone shave me, something about it just seems wrong.
• Sure Sascha just add an “A” to every word you say, it makes-a you sound-a Italian.
• That was Anthony Stewart Head! (Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer for you 90’s kids.) How come he didn’t get to sing? This guy rocks.
• The Beadle looks like a mutated Oompa Loompa.
• Turpin has a peephole set up on Johanna. Ewww.
• Sweeney looking into the fractured mirror was pretty cool.
• These fucking songs are gonna be stuck in my head for days.
  
• Pirelli is really an Englishman and Todd’s former apprentice. What a shock.
• Oh shit, Pirelli knows Todd’s secret and wants to blackmail him – he’s a goner.
• Was hoping for a throat slashing, but being bludgeoned to death with a tea kettle is a more proper English death.
• Never mind, Todd slashes Pirelli’s throat anyway, which is very Victorian if you think about it.
• Turpin sentences a kid to the gallows. Funny.
• Watching Toby slug down shots of gin like it’s going out of style puts me in the mood for a song as well:
• I find it odd to the ears whenever Mrs. Lovett calls Todd “Mr. T” for quite obvious reasons.
• OK, “Pretty Women” is a great fucking song.
• Even Rickman can sing, great baritone.
• Never deny a man his revenge you Oliver-looking twat.
• So now Todd goes from a revenge killer to a serial killer. Cool.
• However, I do think that Jack The Ripper might be a tad pissed off at the invasion of his territory.
• This anger song sounds an awful lot like Pagliacci. I may hate Broadway, but I do love the opera though; I’m not a complete asshole.
• Toby is completely crashed out on gin. Ha!
• OK, “A Little Priest” is a great song too.
• Todd and Lovett are gonna use the remains of his victims to bake into her pies. See? This fits in to this year’s theme perfectly.
• Sonovabitch, I’m enjoying this.
• Sheppard’s pie peppered with actual sheppard on top. Brilliant.
• This whole Turpin/Johanna thing is just fucking creepy.
• The construction of Todd’s kill chair borders on Steampunk.
• These intermittent songs about Johanna are truly awful.
• OK, enough about Johanna for fuck’s sake.
• Who knew that commoners would enjoy human flesh so much?
• That looks like the tree from Big Fish.
• Thirty minutes to go here folks, let’s not pump the brakes now.
• I find Anthony very annoying.
• I think Toby is gonna fuck everything up.
• Speaking of Toby, he looks like a very young Gale from Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul.
• This meat grinder brings me right back to Pink Floyd’s The Wall.
• All insane asylums from this era look exactly the same.
• Who would have thought that Mrs. Lovett’s chimney would stink that bad?
• Toby finds a finger in his pie (stop that), which is very much a precursor to Arya killing Walder Frey. The North remembers motherfucker.
  

  Do you really think you have a chance against me, Mr. Cowboy?

• How many more times must we see asshole Anthony burst through the door exclaiming, “Mr. Todd!’
• Johanna hides in the same chest that Todd kept Spirelli’s body in. Is there such a thing as reverse foreshadowing?
• Todd just killed his wife. Oh, c’mon.
• Turpin shows up immediately after that, we’re really stepping on the gas pedal now.
• There goes Turpin. Finalmente.
• The blood spurting effects are very Pythonesque.
• How the fuck did Turpin survive a throat slash and a 2 story drop on the head even for a few seconds?
• Now Todd starts to piece it all together.
• Todd throws Mrs. Lovett into the furnace – gruesome idn’t it?
• OK, let’s end this now.
• Thank you Toby. Cutting Todd’s throat as he sings over his dead wife may be considered a bit much in some circles – but what the hell, the movie’s over.
  

  Lose the grey streak, add a tuxedo, and he could’ve been a decent Batman.

Is It Actually Palatable: If you’re a Burton fan as I am, absolutely. If you like everyone singing all the time even more so.

Scariest Entree: I would go with every time the Beadle smiles – his teeth are truly British.

Most Nauseating Moment: When I realized that I actually sorta miss Robert Kerman fighting a bunch of cannibals.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: The makeup and costume departments could have made a little more effort in having Depp not look like every character he has ever portrayed in a Tim Burton film.

Is It Raw and Bloody: Oh hell yeah – the blood flows by the gallon in this one.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Nope.

Most Delectable Line: “At last, my arm is complete again.” I had to go with one of the very few spoken lines in this flick just ‘cause.

Most Delicious Scene:  I’d have to go with Depp and Rickman’s duet of Pretty Women – a great song pulled off by two people you’d have never thought could do so.

Most Flavorless Scene: The ending. After hearing Anthony repeatedly sing about how he’s going to rescue Johanna and take her away from all that ails her – we never get to see it. Fucking English tragedies.

Overall: With the finish line for this year’s Schlocktoberfest now in sight, this was a nice pit stop in what seemed like a never-ending assault of Italian movies about primitive people eating everyone. Next up is Eli Roth’s take on the cannibal genre, so this breath of new air was fleeting – and full of singing.

Gulp Rating: 3 Lovett pies (out of 5)