Ravenous (1999)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: How to survive the wilderness and military service in the American pioneering frontier of the 1800’s.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• A Nietzsche quote as an opening title card! Finally, a cannibal movie with some goddamn class.
• Followed by an anonymous quote that says, “Eat me.” Well, fuck class.
• A bloody rare steak dinner already – whatever happened to inconspicuous?
• The music here sounds like a Cohen Brothers movie.
• Oh boy, Jeffrey Jones. No pun intended.
• I didn’t think I could hate David Arquette anymore than I already do. I was wrong.
• Charged with cowardice or not, you gotta admit that Boyd’s unintentional escape plan ended up being pretty bad-ass.
• I wonder how many lives were lost during Manifest Destiny by some asshole saying that he knew a shortcut.
• After eating everything they could, Colqhoun’s party turned on their boots and belts as food? Shit I would have hit the delete button before eating my fucking clothes.
• I pretty much guessed that Wendigos would be part of the plot since Boyd seemed to get strong again after his CO’s blood kept dripping into his mouth.
• Jeremy Davies (Private Toffler) is either a creep or a redneck scumbag in every role he’s in.
• Toffler finds a bone and falls off a cliff. Isn’t that always the way Sam?
• Bourbon NOW! I agree.
• Colqhoun was licking Toffler’s wound. Hilarious.
• It’s too bad that Jeffrey Jones turned out to be a degenerate pederast, ‘cause he’s a great actor.
  

  If you can’t handle being in the Polar Bear Club, don’t show up.

• Boyd and Reich better find something in this cave before Batman gets home.
• Can anyone hear, “It’s a trap!” anymore without thinking of Admiral Ackbar? RIP.
• Colqhoun was Ives all along – who saw that coming down the Oregon Trail?
• This is some damn fine hootenanny music during this chase scene.
• Ives does that cool Michael Myers sit-up-thing after he gets shot.
• After you jump off of a cliff, what are the odds that you’ll land on the guy that fell off of it just previously?
• How has Boyd not died from his broken leg yet? In those days diarrhea fucking killed you.
• It was inevitable that Boyd would eat Reich donchya think?
• This soundtrack is really great.
• OK, everything’s gonna be alright – Leo McGarry just showed up at the fort.
• Col. Ives is the replacement commander! Dum-dum-dum!
• You know you’re fucked if the only guy to back up your story is a drunk veterinarian.
• So, I guess we’re doing the whole “no one believes me/can’t you see what’s really going on” thing.
• Arquette’s dead and eaten. Good.
  

  This looks an awfully lot like The Last Samurai.

• I just realized that Martha is Maggie from Thunderheart.
• I am anxiously anticipating the death of Knox, solely because I cannot stand his drawl.
• And there he goes. Ask and ya’ll shall receive I reckon.
• Col. Hart is alive? Hell’s bells.
• Ives’ “we kill” speech is the exact opposite of the one Lestat gave in Interview With The Vampire.
• Holy shit does this movie make me in the mood for stew.
• At this point, I really thought that there’d be a lot more puking in this movie.
• That blood on the window shot after Boyd slits Hart’s throat is worthy of Dario Argento.
• Ives painted a cross on his forehead with blood. He must mean business.
• I was wondering if eating human flesh and becoming a Wendigo made you undead; but with Hart getting his throat slit and dying, and Hart and Ives beating the ever-loving shit out of each other to no avail – makes me think otherwise.
• A big bear hug in a big bear trap, now that’s how you end a cannibal fight.
• Oh dear, McGarry ate some of the Knox stew. You know what that means.
• Christ, Martha could have had a little more sympathy after watching Boyd take her advice by sacrificing himself to kill Ives.
  

  Scream will be fine without you asshole.

Is It Actually Palatable: Very much so, a great movie that has cannibalism end up being an almost funky bottom to a great adventure story.

Scariest Entree: I found none of this movie scary.

Most Nauseating Moment: I must be jaded after watching all of these cannibal movies; because the consumption of guts doesn’t do anything to me, yet seeing a compound fracture still makes me weak in the knees.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: Casting David Arquette as the base’s resident r-tard. Wait, maybe that was genius instead.

Is It Raw and Bloody: Not as much as you’d think. There is a shit ton of blood, but the viscera is kept to a minimum and shown very quickly.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Aside from Ives’ ass no – so nothing appetizing.

Most Delectable Line: “There was a bunch, so I’ll have to go with my three favorites: “It’s lonely being a cannibal, tough making friends.” “Breakfast, lunch, and reinforcements.” “A little too much bourbon in his bourbon.”

Most Delicious Scene: Boyd’s escape by jumping off a cliff was definitely the coolest thing I’ve seen this month by a long shot.

Most Flavorless Scene: Every scene with Major Knox.

Overall: This was another movie that was hard to shit on since it was, to be quite honest – very beautiful. I mean Sergio Leone beautiful. The cinematography, the soundtrack, and the acting were all a welcome sorbet after the last three entries.

Gulp Rating: 4 ingredients to a damn fine stew (out of 5)