The Green Inferno (2013)
What’s It About: Eli Roth made a cannibal movie.
Here are some of my observations as I dined:
- OK, here we are – the end of Schlocktoberfest 8te. All right Eli, let’s see what ya got.
- It’s weird to see the Universal logo in front of a cannibal movie.
- Blumhouse was involved in the production? OK, fingers crossed.
- The evils of colonization, deforestation, and industrialization all thrown at you right off the bat.
- Look at that jungle, this inferno will be green for sure.
- Special makeup effects by Nicotero and Berger – fingers still crossed, they are the best there is.
- College students organizing a hunger strike! In a cannibal movie! Get it?
- We are quickly introduced to two college archetypes: the hippie-esque know-it-all radicals, and the barely attractive always angry chick who constantly shits on everything around her.
- After that we go right to a lecture on female genital mutilation. Ok.
- I’m so glad that my college days were a long time ago – there is no way I would make it in the horseshit PC culture nowadays without murdering a lot of activists.
- A shot of our heroine having a steak dinner with her dad seems appropriate.
- Alejandro asks the members of his group if any of them have ever fantasized about saving a dying tribe. College doesn’t mean drinking beer, playing Sega hockey, and getting laid anymore?
- Not the first, but definitely the last time I’ll say this this year – I can’t wait for these assholes to die.
- Shuffling off to the amazon to save an undocumented tribe – yeah, good luck with that. In my day everyone wanted to go to Fort Lauderdale.
- Much like the one in Evil Dead, I’m guessing that this necklace will be symbolic in some way.
- Alejandro is a complete dick.
- A private militia armed to the teeth versus 15 sites that will stream live to hundreds of Twitter followers. Seems like a fair fight.
- Fuck anyone who yells your name, makes you turn around and ask, “what?” and then they say, “nothing.”
- Carlos, the pilot for this group’s expedition, in no way looks like trouble.
- Buddy Holly wasn’t this nervous about getting on a small plane as this chick is.
- Another fuck you to Alejandro for saying, “welcome to the jungle” when they land.
- Why is Justine’s taxi named “Brad Pitt?”
- I can see why Roth married Justine – she is quite the hottie.
- Yet another fuck you to Alejandro for striking that George Washington crossing the Delaware pose on the boat.
- A tarantula crawls up to Lars’ dick while he’s taking a leak. Must have been a cold day when they filmed that scene huh?
- A black jaguar relaxing on a rock near the river is declared a good omen. These assholes are really reaching.
- I’m guessing that this green inferno will ignite…any day now.
- These go-getters are putting on blank masks and chaining themselves to the bulldozers that are destroying the forest. I don’t know who to root for more: the militia or the cannibals.
- It didn’t take long for things to go bad for Justine.
- They all get arrested after protesting for an entire three minutes – worst activists ever.
- Gee, all of their gear is gone. Who saw that coming?
- These assholes are celebrating like they won the Super Bowl after getting a few re-tweets?
- A pretty intense plane crash takes out at least half of them. Good.
- It was funny to see Jonah puke upside down I must say.
- OK, the cannibal movie requirement of a plane crash has happened so bring on the flesh eaters for Pete’s sake!
- I can’t believe that dazed guy walked right into the propeller, way to make the most of surviving a plane crash nimrod.
- That girl falling out of the sky still strapped to her chair was fucking funny.
- Blow gun darts and spears start flying and the cast is thinned a little more.
- When the survivors are captured by the tribe, it made me think that the Rebel Alliance was very lucky that the Ewoks turned out to be friendly – or else ROTJ could have went in another direction entirely.
- This tribe has really mastered the art of primary colors.
- When the tribe started to rip the one chick’s hair out, I really wanted one of them to turn to the other and say, “No, no, zayt nisht meshuge.”
- Poor Jonah drinks gratefully from the bowl the tribe offers him, not realizing that they are infusing him with broth.
- You can pop an eyeball out of a skull that quick? Good to know.
- Shit! All four limbs, both eyes, his tongue, and his head all chopped off in under a minute. Damn good sous chefs in the jungle.
- Watching these old women prepare Jonah’s body parts is hilarious – it looks like they’re talking about the weather as they season and cook him.
- They must have done an excellent job, because the tribe is really enjoying Jonah.
- Alejandro was a shill for a rival company clearing the forest all this time. What a prick.
- I knew that flute necklace was gonna be important somehow.
- The chief took only the girls out of the cage – oh shit.
- I guess that lecture on female castration can be categorized under irony now.
- OK, Eli is just being gross for gross’ sake now.
- I guess Samantha didn’t really escape since she was just fed to everyone in the cage and Amy, being a true vegan, breaks her bowl and slits her own throat.
- They are actually stuffing the remaining weed down Amy’s throat in hopes of drugging the tribe when they cook her.
- Oh for fuck’s sake, the entire tribe did end up getting high off of Amy’s body and are all now laughing like college stoners watching Adult Swim. I hate Eli Roth.
- Another cannibal movie that involves escaping through the use of lame finger tricks.
- Lars is eaten alive in pure Romeroian glee.
- Justine just can’t seem to catch a break during her escape attempt.
- Whoa, the people who died in the plane crash are all impaled up on logs.
- Daniel and Justine are discovered and knocked out with tranq darts. Again.
- The tribe is now painting Justine up for her circumcision and breaking Daniel’s arms and legs for what I assume is tenderization.
- Nope, Daniel gets death by ants. Ouch.
- Justine finally gets the knack of escaping by pulling a bone out of one of the tribeswoman’s nose.
- Alejandro seems shocked that Justine refuses to rescue him.
- Will this just please end?
- That black jaguar is back and it lets Justine pass by without attacking her. I guess it really was a good omen.
- The power of the internet can apparently rescue you from a jungle.
- One last dart in the neck for Alejandro.
- This is pretty much the exact same ending as Cannibal Ferox – Justine lies about everything that happened to her in the jungle.
- What a stupid fucking dream sequence.
- End already!
- A mid-credits scene shows us that Alejandro has not only survived, but has apparently become part of the tribe. He is painted black and is somehow staring right up at the satellite that took his picture. Fucking boo!
Is It Actually Palatable: Even though this was a cannibal film without any animal torture or killings, no – it sucked.
Scariest Entree: Seeing what day to day life on a college campus is like nowadays.
Most Nauseating Moment: When Alejandro decides to jerk off right in front of everyone, claiming that it will clear his head and make him think more clearly.
WTF Was The Cook Thinking: The scene where Amy has a severe attack of diarrhea in the cage was totally unnecessary – I guess it was Roth’s way of adding humor to the tension since the tribe all laughed at her and waved their hands in front of their faces.
Is It Raw and Bloody: Oh yeah, there was gore-a-plenty.
Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Not really, some fleeting boob shots of Justine when she’s getting painted up – but that’s about it.
Most Delectable Line: “You must be a freshman. Only a freshman would speak with such insolence.” Now that’s just hazing at it’s worst.
Most Delicious Scene: The end credits – I’m burned out.
Most Flavorless Scene: Watching an entire tribe of cannibals get stoned off of Amy’s corpse. It was half of a dime bag at best and over thirty people get whacked out of their gourds? Fucking lightweights.
Overall: Suffice to say I’m good on cannibal movies for the foreseeable future. Christ that was a lot of ‘em. I’m not really a fan of Eli Roth, so I was going into this without any expectations and was rewarded handsomely by not finding any.
Guess what folks, that’s Schlocktoberfest 2018, and I…am…outta here.
Gulp Rating: 1 last time I have to watch a cannibal movie this year (out of 5)