Schlocktoberfest X – Day 31: The Crazies

The Crazies (1973)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*


What’s This About:
 Residents of a small American town accidentally becomes afflicted by a military biological weapon. Then they all go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • Brad: So Romero probably had a leftover half-baked zombie flick screenplay laying around and changed all instances of zombies with crazies. Thank you, that’s all the notes I have for this. 
  • Jim: I’m tired. What are we doing now? Oh right, the triple review, it’s Halloween already. Romero virus movie. Topical. OK, pitter-patter let’s get at her…
  • Brad: That’s how I turn the lights off. By manually turning each bulb in the fixture. 
  • Brad: Yeah Billy knock it off you little creep. 
  • Jim: Well this little kid Billy is a total creep, but not as much as his father it seems.
  • Brian: These two kids are fucking around so their dad trashes the place and kills their mom because it’s her fault for birthing these little shits.
  • Brad: The craziest thing about this crazy father is his taste in slack color. 
  • Jim: Who lives here? Keith Moon?
  • Brad: Please. This dad’s not crazy. My dad acted this way every Friday night after a few Old Milwaukee’s in him. 
  • Jim: I think we as a nation passed “The Crazies” months ago.
  • Brad: Have they tried rubbing the dad’s belly to calm him down? A nice chamomile tea perhaps?
  • Brian: Code Name Trixie! Sounds like a sting operation to find out which stripper is trafficking heroin at Cheeques.
  • Brad: Maybe this guy’s crazy because his prices are INSANNNNNNE!
  • Brad: This dad’s just acting how every other MAGA will act on November 4th. 
  • Brian: I hope the dad waits for the house to burn to the ground and pisses on the ashes.
  • Brad: Was that house made out of burlap? It went up in flames immediately!
  • Jim: I bet half of the budget went to that burning house.
  • Brad: People on their way to work and baby what did you expect? Gonna burst into flame…
  • Jim: Is that Catherine Zeta Jones?
  • Brad: That’s the problem with volunteer firefighters, they will leave the squad high and dry at the mere opportunity for muff.
  • Brian: This naked lady looks just like JoBeth Williams. Her left boob isn’t quite as nice though.
  • Jim: This scene is like Fahrenheit 451, but naked.
  • Brad: This lady put on the lights to the room but it was already bright as noon in there.
  • Brian: This nudity is gratuitous, even for a JoBeth Williams superfan like myself. 
  • Brad: Did this guy get cut from the firefighters squad at the last minute? Why’s he there and whys he not going to the emergency?
  • Brian: All the men are fucking ghouls in this.
  • Brad: Great bedside manner for the kiddies at the hospital when the doctor is wearing an old WWII gas mask.
  • Jim: No one sounds that good through a gas mask.
  • Brian: Dang the kids survived.
  • Jim: When I was younger, I thought everyone in the white haz-mat suits were the crazies.
  • Brad: Major Ryder? No Mitch Ryder.
  • Jim: The army is setting up the UV lighting, so when are the Clorox shooters going to be passed around?
  • Brian: Why is this military man in a sleazy motel?
  • Jim: These opening scenes have me so riveted, I’ve built 5 new lamps for my place during them.
  • Brad: This movie don’t waste no time in getting going. We’re only 7 minutes in and they’re already quarantining the town. Jeez, we’re only 7 months into our pandemic and we can’t close Outback Steakhouses!
  • Brian: No rules, just (far) right.
  • Jim: Nowadays when you see quarantine protocols activating in movies, you critique them.

    Armed, masked and in front of a post office. This is 2020.

  • Brad: Romero never got enough credit for always having a black actor in a major protagonist role. His movies were Black Lives Matter 40 years ago! Zombies are more woke than current MAGAs.
  • Brian: This house is still burning? That’s crazy.
  • Brad: Are the firefighters putting that house out with kerosene?
  • Brian: Why are these firemen just sitting around and not fighting the fire? I guess they’re fire men not fire putting out men.
  • Brad: Save that house? Forget about it Smokey.
  • Brad: This crazy father is definitely a Republican. Kinda looks like Rick Santorum too. 
  • Brian: Why is everyone shooting heroin?
  • Jim: Not enough injections of antibiotics? Life not only imitates art, it predicts it.
  • Brad: All these soldiers are probably getting doses of hydroxychloroquine.
  • Brad: Slow down movie. I’m getting whiplash watching this. 
  • Brian: “I need you like a hole in the head.” Ha fuck you, asshole.
  • Brad: “I need you like a hole in the head” usually means you hate the person. Not that you don’t need them. Or is that just me?
  • Brian: Ma’am are those stolen medical supplies in your pants or do you have a dick and are horny as hell?
  • Brad: So many conspiracy theories abound this evening you’d think QAnon is involved. 
  • Brian: I don’t think anything like this could ever happen.
  • Brad: Romero always has a board room or office that one complete wall is a large curtain like a high school stage production.
  • Jim: I’ve never seen anyone eat a green orange before.
  • Brad: It’s been what, a few hours of them knowing about the virus going around the town and some bureaucrat is already suggesting nuking the town! I wonder what political party he’s in. 
  • Jim: I wonder when the nukes are gonna go airborne over us for real.
  • Brian: So a military plane crashed with “Trixie” on it and she’s spreading throughout this shitty town.
  • Brad: Trixie is a stripper name. 
  • Jim: I guess calling it Alice would have been too obvious.
  • Brian: Hey it’s the “Dummies!” Guy from Dawn of the Dead. He seems to be playing a scientist, so he’s no dummy.
  • Brad: Is he going for the Francis Ford Coppola from Hearts of Darkness look?
  • Jim: What accent is he trying to pull off here? I’m getting Michael Moriarty flashbacks to The Stuff.
  • Brian: This little shit is still alive and still screaming.
  • Jim: Who are the 4 government stooges running everything?
  • Brad: Is this a nightclub or someone’s basement?
  • Jim: If it takes martial law to stop awful hippies from dancing, I’m all in.
  • Brian: The military is ripping people out of their homes. This would never happen in 2020.
  • Brad: Isn’t this supposed to be like 1:00 am? There’s a ton of activity in this little burg at this hour. 
  • Jim: Romero loves having authority figures bust through front doors to homes.
  • Brad: I figure we are about 2 months from armed gas mask wearing soldiers start breaking in our homes and taking us away to quarantine camps. 
  • Brian: I welcome it, I’m kinda bored.
  • Jim: Stealing that kid’s fishing rod meant what exactly?
  • Brian: Martial Law! Starring Sammo Hung!
  • Brad: Or is it Martial Law starring Cynthia Rothrock and Chad McQueen!?

  • Brian: This movie is nothing but yelling so far. Romero must have handed out honey tea and lozenges after every take. 
  • Brad: I still don’t understand how these 2 firefighters had to take a separate car to the burning house emergency. Is it because they are volunteers?
  • Brian: I guess there was no budget for dubbing. You can’t understand a god damn word anyone wearing a gas mask is saying.
  • Brad: I can’t hear you soldier with the gas mask. You sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher. 
  • Jim: Cathy is the weirdo blonde from Shivers. This movie is turning into an all-star game.
  • Brad: Frank Winston looks like the kind of guy that’s always sick. 
  • Jim: Once COVID gets in the watershed—we’re pretty much fucked for good.
  • Brad: Major Ryder looks like the kind of guy who has an issue with taking orders from a black guy. Just a hunch. 
  • Brian: Major Ryder sounds like a porn star with comically large labia.
  • Jim: The town’s mayor (who is on vacation from co-hosting Tool Time) is starting to cause quite the ruckus.
  • Brad: This town is in chaos. Still calmer than Portland I suppose. 
  • Jim: Oops! Dead Cop. Fuck ‘em.
  • Brian: This guy who’s shooting at the military is either a Crazy or a MAGA.
  • Brad: What’s the difference?
  • Brad: Strange bizarro world wherein it’s the cops who are killed accidentally and indiscriminately. 
  • Jim: I was just thinking that this scene where the martial law starts needed some Joplin ragtime piano to go with it.
  • Brad: So many random scenes of random people. I’m beginning to lose focus as to whose the main characters are. 
  • Jim: Grandma went total Norman Bates with that knitting needle!
  • Brad: I heard that a giant safety pin makes a better textile-themed weapon.
  • Brian: I also hear Trixie spreads a lot faster in gyms where women are doing aerobics mere hours after brutal murders have occurred.
  • Jim: This chaos looks like election night in Wisconsin. I’m guessing.

  • Jim: Every good car chase scene needs to be scored with solo banjo.
  • Brad: Monkeys? This town has monkeys?!
  • Brian: Dummies Guy says two of his scientists fucked a rhesus monkey and caught the virus.
  • Brad: I wish Anthony Fauci was this pissed off at the authority figures he has to argue with to get the facts straight. 
  • Jim: I’m beginning to think the orange asshole watched this movie some time over the last 6 months.
  • Brian: It is just a bunch of people yelling nonsense, so it’s a lot like Fox News.
  • Brad: “It leaves its victims either dead or incurably mad” It’s just like our pandemic but the MAGAs were already uncurably mad. 
  • Jim: Bananas and ‘Ole Grandad—the cornerstone to any nutritious breakfast while hiding out from the army.
  • Brian: “Bitch shut up I need more Old Grand-Dad.”
  • Jim: The Shivers girl is basically a half-cooked Sissy Spacek clone.
  • Brad: The radio has music? That’s so weird. 
  • Brian: So JoBeth Williams’ group is running from the military. This group is made up of her, her unborn fetus, two neanderthals, the girl who sings, “There’s Got to Be a Morning After” in The Poseidon Adventure, and her molesting dad.
  • Jim: I’m starting to see some influencing of the movie Outbreak now.
  • Brad: I just learned that this one guy’s name is Clank. Colonel Clank?
  • Brian: Viet-fuckin-NAM!!!
  • Brad: Are they really going to herd in the whole town into the one high school? How’s that possible? How small is this town? Maybe they should just nuke it. 
  • Jim: This Colonel wants everyone dead. Must be a republican.
  • Brian: How can you tell who’s infected? You put them in a giant bag and throw them into the lake. If they float, they’re infected. If they drown, they’re ok.
  • Jim: Say what you will about his legacy, but when he wanted to, Romero could write damn good dialogue.
  • Brad: All this main scientist guy does is bitch, complain and point fingers. All talk. No action. 
  • Brian: Too much talking, not enough crazying.
  • Brad: This crazy priest is recreating that infamous Buddhist monk’s suicide by lighting himself on fire. Either that or he’s a big Rage Against The Machine fan. 
  • Jim: Wouldn’t it be great if all priests got into self-immolation?
  • Brian: This is pretty much a zombie movie without the zombies. Like keeping the social commentary of the zombies as oppressed people but this time it’s just people as people who you don’t really care for.
  • Jim: Dio predicted the state of things years ago:
  • Brad: I always thought The Crazies were a Patsy Cline fan club.
  • Brian: I guess the crazy stuff just makes you an asshole?
  • Brad: So apparently crazy doesn’t necessarily mean angry or violent. 
  • Jim: The crazy bitch sweeping the grass was funny.
  • Brad: Or maybe she’s taking Trump’s advice about raking the forest to stave off forest fires.
  • Jim: I’m getting Red Dawn vibes now.
  • Brad: You can’t take cover or stay out of sight under a tree in late autumn/early winter you idiots. 
  • Brad: What kind of helicopter is this? It’s not military. 
  • Brian: Aren’t these military guys just trying to help?
  • Jim: Only took about 40 rounds, but our heroes got that chopper down.
  • Brad: That was easier than that time Robert DeNiro shot the tail rotors of the helicopter in Midnight Run. 
  • Jim: That auditorium shot reminded me of the last day of senior year.
  • Brad: More mask wearing troubles. Wear your damn mask. 
  • Jim: Holy shit! That reveal of the woman doctor was the scariest shot yet.
  • Brad: This doctor sure is nonplussed about the room he’s stands in being shot at through the windows. 
  • Jim: That sniper was the cemetery zombie from Night of the Living Dead. You’re welcome.
  • Brad: Did those soldiers shoot a beaver in that pond?
  • Brian: Beaver hunt!
  • Jim: When did we get to Boggy Creek?
  • Brad: This film is dragging lately. Not that it was riveting before but now it’s getting late and I’m caring less.
  • Brian: I’m pretty sure this one military guy is the wimpy kid from Cobra Kai who traveled back in time.
  • Jim: That one army guy looks like Peter Serafinowicz were he a Romulan.
  • Brad: They’re still suggesting nukes. You know Trump is just itching to press the buttons of he loses next month. 
  • Jim: I smell dissension in the rebellion.
  • Jim: Clank is going Full Metal Jacket Pyle on us I think.
  • Brian: That’s what you get for trying to save the girl with the panther face.
  • Jim: If Trixie spreads across the country, I think it will lead to divorce proceedings for the Nortons. Buh-dum bump.
  • Brian: Why doesn’t this group just find another car and drive the fuck away?
  • Brad: Maybe they can hop a train. A CRAZY TRAIN!
  • Brian: If an antibiotic is enough to combat the crazy disease this is pretty fucking weak.
  • Brian: Is the president Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget? He would still make a better president than Trump.
  • Brad: Only the finest top shelf liquor in this house. 
  • Brian: There is more whiskey in this movie than at an Irish baptism.
  • Brian: Oh good, incest. Just the pick up this movie needed.
  • Jim: Creeped out by this clingy father yet? How about him making out and raping his own daughter – that should do it.
  • Brad: Must resist making joke about how badly Donald wants to fuck Ivanka. 
  • Brad: I mean his daughter is kinda hot. 
  • Brian: They said the dad was hung! And they was right!
  • Jim: I guess he won’t be “hanging” around this movie anymore right boys? Heh heh. Are we done yet? Can I go now?
  • Brian: Maybe that girl’s death would have mattered more if I even knew what her name was.
  • Jim: Kathy probably has the best death scene in the whole movie.
  • Brian: I think Trixie is just AIDS.
  • Brad: Silly rabbit Trixie is for kids!
  • Jim: Clank has gone Rambo.
  • Brian: Meet me at Don’s Place!
  • Brad: Whose idea was it to have an action gun fight scene where the soldiers keep talking but you can’t understand one word that they’re saying.
  • Brad: Clanks final words were “We’re gonna do us some drinkin’.” Those are my last words!!
  • Jim: A classic Romero gunshot to the head—the guy practically invented them.
  • Brian: Why are there so many scenes of radio problems? This movie is an A/V enthusiast’s worst nightmare.
  • Brian: This scientist chick is absolutely useless. I’m surprised she knows which end of the microscope to look through.
  • Brian: Dummies Guy had the cure but the crowd makes him drop it and then he falls down the stairs and dies. That’s just how we feel now.
  • Jim: There goes the potential vaccine and the doctor who created it. Fucking Romero movies.
  • Brad: I have zero doubt this sort of thing happened multiple times in this current administration. 
  • Brian: Oh no JoBeth Williams has it. This is worse than when Tom Hanks got COVID.
  • Brian: How did neanderthal David know the military would come precisely through this area?
  • Brad: In the time it took David to cover Judy in that cinderblock hideout they could’ve been miles away before the soldiers came.
  • Jim: Sealing your girlfriend up in a fort of cinder blocks doesn’t exactly scream hope for a better future.
  • Brad: Aren’t you a bit short to be a stormtrooper?
  • Jim: After all of that Judy is killed by marauding rednecks. 
  • Brian: JoBeth Williams DEAD!
  • Brian: Sounds like the crazy virus is in Louisville. This must be a prequel to Return of the Living Dead.
  • Jim: Transferred to Kentucky? I’d rather take my chances with Trixie.
  • Brian: Holy fucking crazyballs is this movie ever going to end?
  • Brian: GREAT song. “Heaven Help Us” by Melissa Manchester, who I believe also sang “There’s Got to Be a Morning After” in The Poseidon Adventure.
  • Brad: She also sang “Through the Eyes of Love”, from Ice Castles.
  • Jim: That was a completely shitty ending.

 

Was it Entertaining: 

Jim:

Brad:

Brian:

Any Good Gore: Jim: The typical bright red Romero blood from his early years, and a couple of decent gunshot wounds

Brad: It’s not Dawn of the Dead in gore levels but neither is Working Girl

Brian: Gore more years!!

Any Nudity: Jim: Judy treats us to a nude scene, so does the Colonel at the end for no good reason at all.

Brad:

Brian: She may not have actually been JoBeth Williams, but Judy’s 27-minute fully nude scene got my ghost.

Best Quote: Jim: “Move Nurse!” really made me laugh for some reason.

Brad: I’m sticking with my “We’re gonna do us some drinkin’.” only because I don’t recall anything else of note.

Brian: “I need you like a hole in the head.” 

Best Scene: Jim: I’ll say Kathy’s death scene where she just says “wow’ after getting shot and dies out in the sheep field.

Brad: The opening with the dad going nuts and burning down his house for two reasons: 1. it perfectly set up the movie and it’s really the only case of anyone really showing that they’re “crazy” and 2. it brought back memories of my dad.

Brian: I like the home invasion montage, especially when the grandma attacks with the knitting needle. It brought back memories of many Thanksgivings.

Worst Scene: Jim: Probably when the doctor with the vaccine gets killed in the redneck stampede. Romero just has to make things as bleak as fucking possible the closer you get to the endings of his movies.

Brad: The movie nose-dives mid-way through once our “heroes” basically give up and shack up in houses instead of trying to find ways out of town. I understand the whole town was under martial law and tough to exit but how many times did they breach the military’s defenses and then just stay put? And what was the whole point of bricking up Judy?

Brian: I agree with both, all heroes in this movie turn out to have basically pointless journeys. Same with Night of the Living Dead, but not nearly as good.

How Pandemicky Was It?: Jim: (in a Johnnny Carson voice) It was so pandemicky, the GOP is using it as the opening to all of their future conventions.

Brad: HIYO! You are correct sir!

Brian: It seems that Trixie just made you like a drunk dickhead.

Final Thoughts: Jim: Closing out ten years with this? M*A*S*H was retired with more dignity, and for that matter so was Dahmer. (Thank you Berke.) It’s already hard enough to believe that our tin/ aluminum anniversary (yes I looked it up) is in the middle of a fucking global pandemic for really reals. This movie did however eerily predict what’s going on now in some instances: mostly the uniformed moronic masses thinking that protection is a violation of one’s personal rights. Look, quarantine or fucking die. Wear a mask, and don’t be a fucking idiot. That’s my political humor. Good night folks.

Brad: The dead don’t die. Neither does Schlock. 

Brian: I knew we should’ve watched the remake.

Score: Jim: 4 Trixie Infected Pennsylvania Hicks (out of ten)

Brian: 4 Bottles of Old-Grandad to Use as Hand Sanitizer (out of ten)

Brad: (out of ten)

One thought on “Schlocktoberfest X – Day 31: The Crazies

  1. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest X: The Final Recap | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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