Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Cenobites in space…space…space…space

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Directed by Alan Smithee? Everyone knows his resume, so I’m sure this will rock.
• This looks like deleted footage from an episode of Red Dwarf. That joke is funny to me because I have never seen one episode.
• Not even a robot in the future can solve the goddamn Lament Configuration.
• The commander chick’s name is Rimmer? How’d she get that nom de plume do you think?
• This flashback from 2127 to 1796 gave me a hernia.
• This scene of the construction of the Lament Box I trust is an homage to the very beginning of A Nightmare on Elm Street right?
• Holy shit! Adam Scott is in this and he can’t pull off a French accent to save his future Parks and Rec ass.
• He did get to kill Angelique when she was a mere French putan though.
• You just can’t have a Hellraiser movie without someone being flayed. It’s like waiting for Schwarzenegger to say “I’ll be back” or looking for the pineapple reference in a Psych episode.
• Why didn’t they just have Jacques’ master be the actual Marquis de Sade? It’s obvious that’s who he’s based on.
• Hottie Kim Myers is in this as well. My final connection to Elm Street 2 this month.
• Now it’s Manhattan in 1996? Can we slow the fucking DeLorean down a little and have some plot development?
• If your girlfriend is a demon from Hell, why in the risen fuck would you go out of your way to piss her off?
  

  Why is it they call you Pinhead exactly?

• A skyscraper based on the Lament Configuration would really kick ass.
• It sure was lucky that the box was sealed into the foundation of this building.
• Angelique got to say Pinhead’s trademark line first. Speaking of, where the Hell is he?
• Oh, here he is. Never mind.
• Those twin brother security guards had a far worse fate than the ones in T2 did.
• Another Hellraiser staple: a long dark hallway filled with blood, meat, and chains.
• Pinhead’s demon dogs look and sound exactly like Chatterer.
• John’s son is as cool as ice when it comes to being held captive by a cenobite.
• And we’re back on the space station again.
  

  Who doesn’t love a nun with a bad habit.

• You can always “oot” a Canadian actor with the classic telltale inflections.
• It seems the only reason for finishing the movie off back in space was to have somewhere to put all of the killing sequences.
• Even Pinhead with all of his mightiness, falls for the fucking “really talking to a hologram” trick.
• The space station transforms into the Lament Configuration in order to destroy Pinhead, it successfully completes its mission – but it ends up looking exactly like the Borg mothership.

Sit Ubu sit. Good dog.

Scare Level: I never found the Hellraiser movies that scary, I always thought of them as a sort of litmus test to see how much you could take. I like to describe them as “Existential Torture Gore” movies. I dunno, maybe it’s the Guinness.

Gore Level: It’s a Hellraiser movie – what do you think? Two great decapitations, lots of flaying, an exploding demon dog, and enough bloody chains to make anyone happy.

Nudity Level: Angelique does all her sex scenes topless. Which is nice.

Best Line: A tie between: “Hell is more ordered since your time Princess, and much less amusing.” and, “Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?” Say what you want about the later entries in the series, but Pinhead always has great lines.

Best Scene: John’s decapitation via Pinhead’s chains. Not the newest shop on the street, but not a letdown either.

Worst Scene: Adam Scott’s sex scene with Angelique. I’ve seen him in so many comedies it just felt weird to see. I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either but I needed something for this entry.

Level of Hell: Remember when Return of The Jedi was considered the runt of the litter? Well, time and a nine-movie saga heals all wounds.

Overall: Not the best movie in the anthology, but I enjoyed it. It’s another one of those movies that had a horrible time getting made; plagued with the typical re-shoots, pissed off directors, and changes being demanded from the studio. With all of the horseshit it went through, Bloodline isn’t that bad of a movie. You have to remember that only the first four of the nine were released in theaters, and this is nowhere as near as bad as Hellraiser: Revelations.

Score: 7 Such Sights To Show You (out of 10)