Creature (1985)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Another terrible Alien rip-off.

Here are some of my observations during playback:

• I would like to start off by saying that I did not want to do this review, Rick Perry told me to.
• According to the title card, it’s USA vs. West Germany for space dominance. I guess by the mid-eighties writers were tired of having Russia always being the enemy.
• Finally, a shitty space movie that put some budget into the space suits.
• Ted and Howard are quickly going into John Hurt territory by fucking around with this alien artifact.
• A “take a picture with it for scale” joke? Foreground my ass!
• Yep, death by awakened alien for both of these bozos.
• Huh, this copy of the film is titled, The Titan Find. I doubt that will help it at all.
• One tiny little ship crashes into a massive space station and destroys it? Talk about bulls-eyeing womprats.
• Hey, it’s Ferris Bueller’s dad!
• Is that the cute blonde from Innerspace?
• Yes it is.
• This Bryce chick is a scarier version of Ursa from Superman 2.
• She is also Simone from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. This is already a mix tape of 80’s actresses.
• However, the doctor looks like the keyboard player from Duran Duran.
• This has got to be the weirdest set-up for a sex scene ever, or at least the one that doesn’t involve Michael Douglas.
• A truly shameless use of the sound FX of a Tie-Fighter shooting its lasers, and the engine of the Millennium Falcon as the crew lands their ship.
  

  Space Pet Sematary Zelda. Ecccch.

• As soon as the ship lands, the ground beneath it collapses dropping it into a cave. That’ll teach those assholes to steal all of the hard work Ben Burtt did for the holy trilogy.
• It looks like Ferris’ dad is going to be the Ash/Carter Burke archetype in this movie.
• So is Bryce an android? She hasn’t spoken yet she just smirks.
• If one more member of this crew shouts, “is anybody here?” I want Nicholson to run in and slam an axe into their chest.
• Boy, the chemistry between Fennel and Susan is right up there with Bogey and Bacall.
• Susan’s the last one to the airlock and the first one to be killed. Isn’t that always the way?
• Bryce finally spoke! Hooray.
• Hey everybody! It’s Klaus Kinski! This movie just took a turn for the meh.
• Uh oh, the movie froze. Tubi seems to be having problems. Well, I guess I can call it a night then?
• Shit, it came back.
• So what the German crew found was essentially a collection of aliens – now they’re ripping off The Alien Factor.
  

  If the Xenomorph and Godzilla had a go at reproducing.

• Susan is still alive? Nah, can’t be – this is either a drug induced dream or a diabolical ruse.
• Captain Davison could easily be Steve Harrington’s father.
• More stolen Star Wars sound effects.
• Susan lures Fennel out to the moon’s surface, gets completely naked, takes his helmet off to asphyxiate him; and then attaches something to him. Odd.
• I made a joke about him earlier, but Kinski is really raising the bar as far as acting goes.
• It’s weird hearing Pee Wee’s Simone say, “fuck.”
• Fennel wants the crew to come over to the German’s ship, however, it is revealed that he’s being controlled by a parasite on his noggin. This reminds me of something…
• This movie truly sucks and it’s beginning to bum me out. If only there were a clip of Rick Moranis singing to bring me out of my doldrums. Oh wait…

• What kind of computer keyboard has the letters in order? That would be really weird to type on.
• Whoa, Susan’s seen better days, she looks like Space Joker.
  
• Whenever the airlock door opens, it’s the sound of a Star Wars blaster and it’s beginning to piss me off.
• Fennel put a bandage over the parasite on his head, what an absolute card.
• The Doctor ripped some of Fennel’s face off. Nice.
• Every time a door opens in this fucking movie I keep looking for Stormtroopers.
• Booyah! Ferris’ dad blew Fennel’s head right off of his shoulders in true Cronenberg-esque joy.
• Even though I couldn’t think of her name before, I always had a thing for Wendy Schaal (the Innerspace cutie I mentioned.)

• Now that the shit is really hitting the fan, does anyone know where the fuck weapons-crazy Bryce is?
• All of the high-tech futuristic weaponry will never compare to simply stepping on the alien parasite to crush it into mush.
• Jesus, Scotty on the Enterprise didn’t say, “engineering” this much.
• The creature has Predator vision. Who cares.
• The creature can’t be dead with ten minutes still left in the picture.
• Why are you kicking the creature’s body stupid?
  

  These shots work best if Michael Ironside is sitting next to you.

• Captain Davison is just staring at Susan while she’s being hung upside down as if the Wampa captured her.
• Ferris’ dad actually went out a hero, we should definitely buy him a car instead of a computer.
• Bryce comes back just in time to blow up the creature, bon jour Simone!
• She actually admits that she got lost. Well, the movie’s over so who gives a turkey.
• The ship achieves lift off and our heroes head home. Fin.

Scare Stars: Not one in the constellation.

Gore Galaxy: Blood, a decapitation, and a massive head explosion.

Heavenly Bodies: Susan strips completely down on the moon’s surface.

Best Transmission:  “I saw a movie once, where a group of people were trapped in an ice station by a carrot from another planet.” My darling, this is more Corman that it is Hawks.

Best Visual: Gonna have to go with Susan’s shitty, yet welcomed nude scene since there is not much else you can say about another goddamn Alien rip off.

Worst Visual: Watching Klaus Kinski literally chew up the scenery giving the exposition to what has happened with his crew; while chowing down on food rations.

Damage Report: If this movie had just a tad more time and a tad more millions – I think it would have been pretty decent. Suffice to say I have had my full of Alien knock offs at this point. Last year it was cannibal films; this year it’s every 80’s B-grade sci-fi horror film trying to be Ridley Scott. With two more to go, I think I’m free from this wannabe genre. Knock on wood.

Kobayashi Maru Score: